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so i've been fairly depressed with racing thoughts, impulsive behavior, not sleeping, etc. all these thoughts racing in my head are pressuring me to self injure, thoughts of suicide, etc. how to do it, where, when, how to hide it - fun stuff like that. it's to the point where my anxiety is high from trying NOT to do these things. in all honesty, i would do it, but society says no as does my family and doctor so...

i called my pdoc and left a message explaining everything, he called back and left a message saying i could up my gabapentin to anywhere within this range - depending on what worked for my symptoms. i got all worked up because to my impulsive mind that meant "take a few handfuls - or the whole bottle!" i called him back in a panic, crying that although i didn't intend on acting on anything, i didn't know how long i could hold out and that he was basically giving me license to do whatever. he called me back (gotta love phone tag) and said to take a fixed amount of the gabapentin (900mg 3x/day) and make sure to take my trazodone (which i have PRN and rarely take) at night since sleeping has been an issue.

i took 600mg in the afternoon then 1200mg at night (i had to refill my prescription, so i took the extra pill later. dr said it was ok), it knocked me out for a while and the racing thoughts have calmed down a bit (i think bc i'm sedated).

it's calmed down but it's still there. i still want to down a bottle of pills just to prove i can, bruises, cuts, whatever. it goes away a bit when i'm engaged with people, but when i'm alone it's awful. and i don't want to take the trazodone. i HATE sleeping pills - to the point where it's almost a fear. combine that with the fact that for the next two days i have to be up early and on my toes - i don't want to tempt fate with a trazodone hangover.

pdoc said i could call tomorrow if i need him and i see him thursday, but ugh. i don't even know what i'm looking for with this post, just some solidarity i guess?

thanks for reading this long thing.

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Call your doctor tomorrow. Promise!

If you feel unsafe in the mean time, go to the ER, get a friend or family member to take you, or call 911 and they will help you. Take your med bottles with you.

I can't tell you anything more about the meds, other than follow your updated directions. If you aren't comfortable doing that, then follow your standard med dosing schedule.

Is there a friend of family member you could stay with?

I know things are scary and upsetting now. You will feel better once your meds are adjusted. If you feel overwhelmed remember that all you have to do is reach out and ask for help.

best, airmarshall

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i'm at home with my husband. i'm not going to do anything. right now i'm just staying up too late. i'm not going to take the trazodone. i don't think it'd work well with what i have to do tomorrow.

i just feel so done sometimes. add that to an insistant urge to hurt myself inside my head and it's not a good idea. i'm just not equipt to handle the fallout after doing something like that which is strangely the thing the that's keeping me from doing anything.

people just don't get it. i wish they did. i wish i didn't have to listen to their decisions and wants and needs when i have all this stuff just running constantly in my head and they don't give it a second thought...

thanks. sorry for the rambling. i guess i should go to bed now.

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I think you are more important than what you have to do tomorrow, and should take your trazadone.

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I think seeing your pdoc is important right now.

Personally, I use traz as a welcome relief for when the thoughts in my head won't allow me to sleep. Sometimes, you just have to do the lesser of two evils just to make it through the day. And don't worry about tomorrow, worry about making it through today.

I hope you can get through this episode. I know what it's like when all you want to do is chug a bottle of meds to try and feel better.

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