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Livid: My mom's abusive ex-fiancé still uses her.


adianoeta

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My mother's ex-fiancé lived off of her for 8 years, abused her psychologically and sexually, and tore the two of us apart. I am ready to stand up for her the way I wish someone had stood up for me. I found him on FaceBook and was ready to send him an email. My mom and I live together in what should be OUR home, yet several years later he is still using our garage as a storage unit for his motorcycle, his racetrack, and various other items in the attic. We are not a storage unit. He has had ample time to man up and remove his shit. My mom did not want me to get involved, but now that I am clean, I can see how livid I am about it. I've proceeded instead to give my mom until Monday to have him come get his things, otherwise, I am sending him this email:

Please stop using our garage as a storage unit for your motorcycle. My mom has done enough for you and we've both put up with enough from you. She may be too nice to say it, but I am not: Step up and get your shit.

I truly feel like you abused my mom every way but physically, and you tore the two of us apart. I don't like you, and that's an understatement.

My mom does not know I am contacting you and would be very upset if she did, but I don't care at this point. You need to remove every trace of yourself from our lives. You are not wanted, your shit is not wanted. You are a grown man with a job so buy a fucking storage unit and STOP USING MY MOTHER. I'm not having it anymore.

She may not get it, but I wish someone had stood up for me the way I'm standing up for her right now. She doesn't have to like it. She may not see that you are a sick, selfish, twisted human being but I do. You made my mother cry every day and you used her like a maid, like YOUR mother, like an object. Enough is enough. You can't even fathom the damage you've caused to both of us.

I don't want to hear from you or talk to you or see your face ever again. Remove all traces of yourself from our home. Man up and get your shit. We are done with you.

And so, I took a Xanax and a deep breath and instead gave my mom one last chance to handle it. She always says that it's not her home, it's our home. So why is his shit still here??

If he doesn't come to get it, I will trash everything. I will pull his racetrack down from the ceiling and demolish it like I would his face.

Nothing makes me angrier than someone taking advantage of my mother, who is just too nice to say anything. My mom is a very sweet, kind, generous, forgiving, nurturing individual. It's why she stayed with him for so long. She still does not consider the relationship they had to be a dysfunctional, abusive one. She is in complete denial, even though every member of our family, her friends, and my therapist have spelled it out for her. He never held her hand or showed her any affection. He sexually objectified her under the guise of BDSM. He once came forward and told me I was ruining their sex life. It was incredibly inappropriate.

I can forgive those that have abused me more easily than I could ever forgive him for hurting my mother. She didn't ask for it, deserve it, or know any better. Her love is unconditional.

I love my mom, and I'm angry. That's what this rant is all about.

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I see that you are very angry and it is understandable, but I would keep that one for ranting purposes and send him a clear concise message: you have x amount of days to get your shit ( and is there a key?) or you will put it on the curb, your choice whether to break it on the way there ;)

I think that sending that letter might fuel his fire and make it ugly for both of you. If you truly want to end the drama I would make it short and unemotional. Jmo.

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My first reaction was the same aswj74. You already know the guy is an asshole and has the potential to act in an extremely negative way toward your mom, or even you. I wouldn't want to fuel that fire.

A firm date is the way I'd go. Get the stuff or it's out of there or trashed.

And if you haven't already done so, I'd change the locks so he can't come back and cause any physical harm to anyone in your house.

Best of luck to you in getting him out of your lives. He sounds completely toxic.

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Sometimes, given the right circumstances, you can have police over to watch him remove his junk, but it has to be scheduled. At least that is how it worked in SF when there was domestic violence involved in a split, and I have had friends in other jurisdictions take advantage of this, as well.

However, the reason I know about this was because I was working on Domestic Violence cases, so it meant that these were people who were already involved in the court system. So I don't know if you can do this unless you have a restraining order already in place.

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I really would not send that letter. You say that it's "our house" but whose is it legally? If he has an arrangement, dysfunctional or not, with your mother to keep his crap there, you up and tossing it could end badly. Which is also a reason you should not do it behind your mothers back.

Also, even if he is a giant evil douchcanoe sending an inflammatory letter threatening to throw his stuff out is not wise. It could serve to worsen the whole situation.

What I'd do is talk to your mother and perhaps already have a calm, rational letter drafted, something like "We can no longer store your items. You have xxx days to contact us at xxx number/email to arrange a time to collect them" and if she agrees send it via registered mail.

Ultimately it's her decision and not yours.

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I did talk to my mom, and she agreed that she would have him pick up his stuff by Monday. She wasn't even angry with me.

Yes, it's a very emotional letter. I never had a chance to say any of those things to him. Just writing it helped. I thank most of you for your support and advice.

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Is this really about her or is it really about you and your experiences?

I feel like getting this stuff out of her house is something she needs to choose under her own steam. She is an adult who feels ok with storing his stuff. Who are you decide what should go on in her house? Did she need or ask for you to stir up what was a situation that she was happy with? I feel like what you're ranting about is how you feel about the abuse you have gone through, which is your stuff, not hers, and she shouldn't be hijacked in her life by your own issues. I know you won't like me saying that. But I feel like your agenda is less about what is best for your mum and more about what is going to make you feel better about what men have done to you.

Considering that I was there to witness the abuse, and her downfall because of it, I would say I am involved and yes, of course he hurt me, too. I am doing this for both of us in the house that while is under her name, will be willed to me. And that aside, I was tossed out of this house on to the street by this man, and my mother wants me to feel like this is now a safe place for me. There are a lot of family dynamics you don't understand, Titania. I am incredibly offended at your accusations and I think you are just plain WRONG. I love my mom, I love the bond we have now, and if I don't stand up for her, who will? I'm standing up for US as a family. For you to assume or suggest that my motives are completely selfish is really, really fucked up.

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Aside from the emotional issues you really need to research what you're doing. Calling him up and saying pick this up by Monday gives you very little protection and he could in some places take you to small claims court. Even if his name is not on the lease. I'm not a lawyer but I've seen both sides of this situation occur in several states I've lived in. I'm in the U.S. btw. Sending a registered/ certified letter giving whatever minimum time frame is legally required in your locality is your safest option.

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I know that there's a limitation of how long we legally have to hold onto to someone's property after they move out. It's been over three years. The only reason it's not in the garbage is because my mom still has some skewed sense of commitment to him, even though he's moved on and has another girlfriend, poor thing.

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You really should contact a lawyer or at the very least call the police department and ask them. After three years, there might be some sort of implied consent between him and your mother. It would be a shame if you pitched it all and then later found out that she had to pay the guy the value of the items because you didn't do things the "right" way.

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You really should contact a lawyer or at the very least call the police department and ask them. After three years, there might be some sort of implied consent between him and your mother. It would be a shame if you pitched it all and then later found out that she had to pay the guy the value of the items because you didn't do things the "right" way.

Thank you sylvan, implied consent is what I was trying to get at. Damn meds!

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Well, you are both right. I could've acted compulsively today by sending that letter, or throwing out his things, but instead I came to this forum for advice-- good advice, and I thank you. I certainly wouldn't want her to end up paying for it.

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i But

For you to assume or suggest that my motives are completely selfish is really, really fucked up.

Why? Didn't you ask for advice? She was pretty diplomatic. I actually agree with everything she said, even knowing things turned out the way you wanted them to.

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i But

For you to assume or suggest that my motives are completely selfish is really, really fucked up.

Why? Didn't you ask for advice? She was pretty diplomatic. I actually agree with everything she said, even knowing things turned out the way you wanted them to.

Are you also implying that my motives are selfish? On what basis?

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Look, I'm glad your mother is working with you on this. I really am.

But I also get that protective rage, the need to be strong in the face of abusive assholes when no one else is doing what one feels needs to be done. I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

I don't agree with everything Titania says, but she has IMO a real talent for cutting to the heart of something and expressing it directly.

I do see such angry-protector behaviour as tending to the selfish. In some ways being selfish is necessary when healing from bullshit like that, it's important to put your health and well being first. To a degree.

Others still have to choose for themselves, which is why seeing if she'd be on board first, rather than sending even a non-ranting letter without asking, is IMO the better thing to have done. You can't save people who don't see themselves as needing to be saved. If she had told you that she was still okay storing his stuff, what then?

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Personally I'm very protective of my mother. That said, she's a grown woman and she can make her own choices, rightly or wrongly. She lets abusive asshats stay with her sometimes, against what I tell her to. She's an adult and that's her choice and she can come to me for whiskey when she needs it. But her choices are hers. I'll still be there for her even if she makes poor decisions.

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I respect and appreciate that others see I am personally invested in our relationship. I talked to my therapist about it today, and he said that those things were trigger objects that may cause me to use again.

It's frustrating that my mom doesn't understand what I've seen her go through. I've come full circle in that I dont want abusive men in my life, like I once did.

So maybe it's about me, but it is from the heart. I can't stand him using her anymore. She doesn't seem to mind. I'll readily admit how much that upsets me.

I am very protective over my mom, and I didn't like the idea of anyone suggesting that I was being selfish in the matter-- especially that I would ever want to hurt her for my own 'agenda'. I think it was very ill put.

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Update:

Mom and I had a long heart to heart about this. I asked her if she would let me know when he was coming so I could make myself scarce. She originally said yes. She eventually confided in me that she, herself, was paying for movers and getting a storage unit for him. In the past, I would've been very upset that she would spend a dime on this douchebag. But after reading the sage advice on this forum, I realized that she needs to handle it her own way. SHE isn't even comfortable with him coming to the house. He will make it a nightmare for her. There would be more tears and most likely she will be mistreated. So in the end, I agree that she is doing the right thing in her own way by protecting herself from that drama.

She said she had a conversation with him about getting his things out, but did not want to share the details with me. I imagine he laid a huge guilt trip on her, because she was telling me how many sentimental items from his childhood and his children are in the attic. She even confided this to our dear friends: our neighbors. He said that if those things were so important to him, why didnt he come get them a long time ago? It was exactly what I was thinking.

So, her plan is to turn the key to the storage unit over to him, and if he doesn't pay for it in future months, it will be auctioned off. She hasn't even told him she is doing this because he would make her life a living hell.

The audacity of this man befuddles me still. I know my mom is dreading handing him that key, and I'm going to suggest that she drop it off somewhere for him so that she doesn't have to deal with him lashing out at her. But she is a grown woman and wants to do things her way. I think her plan is brilliant. My only fear is that she will end up continuing the payments on the storage unit. There is no longer a time constraint from me-- she is working on it as best she can, and I can respect that. I also promised her that I would not communicate with him. It would've ended up quite badly, because he would just take it all out on her.

I have every right to be angry at this man. He knows I don't like him, because once he came to pick up something he needed and he said hello to me. I just stared him down, swallowed my words, and walked away for the sake of my mother.

Here's the other thing: when they separated, she gave him the car, which is programmed to open the garage door. In the past, when he came, he actually used it to get into our place. Didn't knock on the door. And he still has access to our house. I don't feel at all comfortable with this. I think the next step is to change our garage door code, and I am not sure how to do that.

I was a little disturbed that my mom started out lying to me. I said, "Are you paying for it?" And originally she denied it. She lied to me... To protect him. But when she saw I was calm and rational about the situation, she told me the truth. But I am hurt that she would ever lie to me. But I think she still talks to him and lies about that, too. It is disheartening.

But nonetheless, the matter will be resolved shortly.

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It sounds to me that she was lying to you because she was scared of your reaction: that, in your protectiveness of her you'd get angry and that she'd see the anger as your being angry at her. After all, she was only able to tell you the truth when she saw that you could stay calm. For some people, anger is very difficult to see and to not internalize: this is especially true of many survivors of domestic violence, such as your mum.

I'm glad that you're growing stronger and better able to stay calm and keep control of overwhelming emotions. It's progress and makes you so much stronger.

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I would definitely agree that the garage door code has to be changed. Your mother (and you) will not be physically safe until he can no longer get into the house.

I'm sure the manufacturer's name is on the garage door opener. Can you google that name, contact the company, and find out how to change the code? Then you could turn that information over to your mother and suggest that she change it.

It is a good way she's handling getting rid of his stuff, and I think you are wise to not contact him. It's satisfying to slap someone verbally, but it never turns out well. As you point out, he would turn his anger on your mother and you don't want that to happen.

It might also be a good idea to change the locks on your doors, particularly the one that leads in from the garage. I'm sure he has keys.

olga

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It sounds to me that she was lying to you because she was scared of your reaction: that, in your protectiveness of her you'd get angry and that she'd see the anger as your being angry at her. After all, she was only able to tell you the truth when she saw that you could stay calm. For some people, anger is very difficult to see and to not internalize: this is especially true of many survivors of domestic violence, such as your mum.

I'm glad that you're growing stronger and better able to stay calm and keep control of overwhelming emotions. It's progress and makes you so much stronger.

That actually makes a lot of sense. I do have to be very careful what I say to her in general, because she does tend to internalize my emotions, as you so succinctly put it. So in hindsight, I think I agree with you there: she was probably just afraid of my reaction.

Being clean, emotions can overwhelm me. I've been a roller coaster! So learning to deal with them is a process whereas I used to just be able to numb out from them. Sometimes I feel like a total freak, but the more I learn to control my emotions, the better I feel about myself. I do think I am making progress. :) I just hope that this is more withdrawals and learning to deal with life, or else I may be bipolar. I've been diagnosed a lot of different ways, and it's a possibility that I am. But I hope not!

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I would definitely agree that the garage door code has to be changed. Your mother (and you) will not be physically safe until he can no longer get into the house.

I'm sure the manufacturer's name is on the garage door opener. Can you google that name, contact the company, and find out how to change the code? Then you could turn that information over to your mother and suggest that she change it.

It is a good way she's handling getting rid of his stuff, and I think you are wise to not contact him. It's satisfying to slap someone verbally, but it never turns out well. As you point out, he would turn his anger on your mother and you don't want that to happen.

It might also be a good idea to change the locks on your doors, particularly the one that leads in from the garage. I'm sure he has keys.

olga

I'm not the most mechanical person, but I like your suggestion of contacting the manufacturer. I hadn't even thought about changing the locks on the doors, mostly because the door from the garage to the house is unlocked during the day and I have no knowledge of anyone using a key. But I agree I would feel safer taking a few precautionary measures by switching out the locks on that and the front door as well. Abusive guys from MY past may even have copied the keys-- I wouldn't put it past them. Overall I think it's a really good suggestion, Olga.

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