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Did medication make people inside go quiet?


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Triggery? I don't know.

This past year, after a couple of people showed up that I thought were dead or lost, I tried to listen to and work with them. They were important, really important because they hold years, wishes, memories, needs I can't remember. Especially my sexual feelings which I really, really want back.

But all the medication changes and AAPs and mood stabilizers made things go quiet inside. This year was scary. I had mania with a psychotic break, which is when my 19 year old boy came back from the dead (god, had I grieved him - so much pain!) and did some insanely dangerous things. But when I crashed into this crushing depression, everybody disappeared except my crying baby and help screaming five year old. Everybody else is mumbling or whispering or too far away. They are talking, I think. I don't think it's a hallucination. It's INSIDE, kwim? But rarely there anymore.

I recently got off the AAPs and then tegretol, which was killing me psychologically. I stopped Topamax for my migraines to try to get my cognitive abilities back.

I'm still waiting for folks to come out of hiding. I can't do this without cooperation. I can't do this if I can't FEEL or HEAR or SEE folks. It's like .14 of me is present. Where is everybody else?

I stopped therapy in February after my therapist fired me. She does EMDR and said she wasn't helping me. I'm waiting for a new trauma referral. I know we have to go back and keep working through. Meanwhile, I have bipolar group and my psych.

I'm still dissociating, a lot of depersonalization, but also losing time. To whom? I don't know.

This is all over the place. Sorry.

Has anyone had medication do this to them? I'm sorry if I've said too much. This is so hard to talk about.

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Not quite like that - but then, we haven't tried such a heavy med regimen.

I know that if I take something (okay, I'm going to go with tylenol/paracetamol + codeine for this example) it affects some of us differently than others. If I'm taking it, but the pain is coming from Mae or Lilac, then they still feel the pain; the pain relievers don't affect them. But, me, I'd get the woozy stoned feeling from the codeine. It's sort of a worst-case scenario, really, every time, which is why I prefer to take as little medication as possible. Even with alcohol, if I'm drinking with Cody he will get drunk, but I'll just feel sick and woozy but not be drunk - I've even tested this with a breathalyzer! (friend of friend is a cop, and we play with it at parties).

I'm not sure how this works with psychotropic medication, though. I've never really tried and since I find easily-acquired medications to be so bizarre in their effects, I can't imagine what more would do.

I imagine that folks are just hiding/scared or maybe feeling ignored and neglected and you'll have to lure them out again. Do you remember how to do that?

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I don't know how. I can't let go of the control, I think. I am bound so tightly against shattering because I'm tired of the chaos and the fight against the PTSD. But I know I'm fighting myself.

Someone wrote "we're not safe, we're not safe, we're not safe" over and over again on another forum a couple years ago after that Sunday school teacher molested and killed that little girl. We suffered MDSA as a child, so any kind of female on female SA is very triggering.

A number of us came out then. Then quiet. Then finally Daniel came back, though we thought he was dead, and we had more than most of ourself again. Then medicated to the gills.

Wow, more than one is typing here. I never write or talk about it to anyone. I'm still waiting for my new therapist. Maybe this is part of it. Words speak people.

Why can't I let go? We feel alone, even here. Nobody talks anymore.

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Yes. I'm a control freak as well. I have so much trouble "letting" us switch because I'm scared of what could happen (which, because it's unknown, is pretty scary!) Fighting selves is so tiring, though. Can you have a structured break, even for a little while, so that you can get some rest?

What I did was I got my co-host to go inside and just start knocking on doors and yelling down hallways "hello? Is anybody there?" Sometimes he got "hi..." back. Sometimes he got a piece of paper with "GO AWAY!" on it. Sometimes he got kids crying, and another time he got a potted plant. Then I tried the same thing. Eventually a few people would say hi, and that would encourage other people to. I'm still learning about who is here and new ones are still saying hi.

I hope that a new therapist is helpful for you. It can be so hard to manage without. I know that no one talks here anymore and it makes me sad. There are other forums, but I like this one. But it's quiet. Sometimes that is hard. But we are here and we are listening.

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Thank you for listening. I appreciate you sharing your journey. Sometimes I feel so awkward/silly/weird trying to talk about the problem we're having.

I'm reading a couple of DID blogs. I haven't looked much at Mosaic Minds. I like reading back in this forum. I wish these people were still posting.

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I've never been to Mosaic Minds either. From what I hear I won't like it. I just have a group of about three or four others and they made a little forum for us all to hang out in.

I feel funny talking about it too, sometimes. There is a lot of concept that I don't think makes sense to singletons. I think that the funny feeling is there to keep us safe and to keep us from revealing it.

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  • 3 months later...

Okay, I know this is from a way back but thought I'd put in my 2cents...

I have definitely encountered the kind of quiet that comes from medication. For me, I think it was klonopin that seemed to either quiet the voices or make everyone go into hiding. I stopped taking it a couple weeks ago and started losing time again, although the voices have been really, really slow coming back. I want to echo that this is hard, and confusing, to talk about. As well as the feeling that you're not all there when the rest of yourself is being silenced.

Also, Antigone, I don't know if this is appropriate to say but it's kind of sadly, horribly reassuring to hear from other survivors of MDSA. The repercussions to boundary and self are so specific and I often feel really lonely and misunderstood in general SA groups.

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Avafox, thank you so much for replying. I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner. Yes, MDSA is it's own special kind of abuse and we are in a group we never wanted to be in, but find comfort knowing one another. I get that.

I talk a lot about being DID and MDSA in my blog, in case you're interested. You can find the link in my signature.

Thank you so much for sharing. I have another multiple friend who had to go off of a mood stabilizer because it made everyone go quiet inside and she started having conversion symptoms and other kinds of retaliation inside from those who could no longer speak.

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