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I'm sad and I'm angry. I feel like I've been forgetting part of myself.

I tried to do this part time job and it was so difficult dealing with something new and new people and all the complicated things and not having things written down and a specific way to do things. I basically just had things thrown at me, and fuck me if I didn't catch them. It was not systemized at all. And I was on a different register every day; there was no routine to things.

It was extremely difficult for me to get a hold of what was going on. Between the ocd and the autism I pretty much had a breakdown one day and had to quit.

But I can't tell people I'm autistic. OHHHHHHH no. So when I flipped out it was because I'm OCD. That's much more acceptable, right?

I didn't watch spongebob for a while, and it was really bothering me. like BOTHERING ME. But it's not important to have routines, so I dismissed it and instead felt uncomfortable and pissy and irritable and grumbly.

I finally started watching it again and immediately felt soothed.

I know it makes no sense probably to most people. If you are on the spectrum, just replace it with a routine or special interest and you can probably understand better.

I'm making a weighted blanket, but i can't tell people it's soothing for those who are ASD and that's the main reason I feel it will be helpful. I make up shit. "It's supposed to help you sleep better"

I have echolalia quite often, but I have to suppress it a lot, which is uncomfortable for me.

Why can't i just be who I am?

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I'm sorry. I have no advice, I can just identify through my son, who is 13. I can see him doing that, with the routine and sensory needs. I'm not sure how this will play out as he gets older. FWIW, I sleep better with a blanket on, no matter whether it's 90 or 30 outside. Maybe a different type of job would be more your style? I don't know about you, but my math skills suck and I mess up rather easily but I am good with jobs where I can stand and do more physical work. I'm not on the spectrum but getting a new job and learning the ropes is one way to cause a total meltdown for me. I dread having to find another job.

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Guest Vapourware

I guess something to think about is, why don't you feel comfortable acknowledging the ASD side of your life? It just seems to me from your post that you feel you cannot acknowledge the autism. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems you are trying to push the ASD aside. The thing with ASD is that it's pervasive. Whether or not you want to show it or acknowledge it still means you are on the spectrum and it'll still have a say in your life.

I'm sorry to hear you had a meltdown. It's horrid when a job makes you feel that bad. I've been there too and something I realise is that some jobs are just not worth going. It's nothing to do your ability/inability to do things - it's more about the job not fitting your skill set. Which is a common human thing, because not everyone is able to do <x> job and it has nothing to do with a person's worth.

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Luna, that job sounds like the opposite of a good job for Luna. But not all jobs are like that. There are jobs that involve being in quiet, structured, ordered places - in fact, are about order. Have you considered working at a library? I got my master's degree in library science. Talk about systemizing...

Luna, ASD isn't what you have, it's who you are. You don't have to apologize for it. It's suckitudinous that the world doesn't get it, and doesn't make allowance for it, but there it is. I totally understand the things you're talking about and how they affect you, including needing your Spongebob (though Spongebob drives me completely 'round the bend personally). I've spent the last eight weeks in an office not my own, surrounded by other people's belongings and faced with the daily choice - quite literally - of either freezing or listening to the closed air vent sound like I'm downwind of a jetliner about to take off all day long. In the meantime they've completely changed out the phone system, I had to change over to a new computer and software, etc. etc., so you have my undivided sympathy about dealing with chaos. I'm hanging on because I know that eventually I'll get to go back to my nice, quiet office where my things are. But if it was going to stay this way, I couldn't keep going. I know my limitations. And I know that if I do change jobs, I'm going to have to find something that takes my ASD into account.

But you know, that's no different than realizing that I probably shouldn't take a job as a math teacher, because my math is terrible. Or that I probably shouldn't sign on as a skydiving instructor because I'm terrified of heights. Or that I shouldn't try to become a professional athlete because I suck at all sports. Or that I shouldn't run a greenhouse because my thumb is black as coal and I can't keep plants alive (plus I don't want to be responsible for the deaths of snowmen).

You're hella smart. You'll find something you can feel comfortable doing. It's out there.

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