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please be honest - under these circumstances how pathetic is it that i'm still a virgin?


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male, age 24. i have never been close to anyone. the only time was when i met a girl in a mental health outpatient facility - she clearly showed interest but i didn't reciprocate because 1. i had transference issues with a counselor there so i wasn't that interested .., and 2. i just didn't have the mindset of "i need to start "meeting" people. she wasn't unattractive though. i just wasn't concerned with connecting with anyone other than friends, to some extent. that was when i was like 20 and looking back i regret it.

Others have shown interest in the past even before that; a girl at a friend's party to whom i taught a song on guitar i was embarrased to have been so eager to hug her in front of everyone before leaving.. and of course i didn't follow through.

so yeah, iv always been frightened of "commiting" to someone yet at the same time I'm desperate for a connection with someone. I am quite certain there is nothing "wrong" with me physically - but my demeanor is too awkwward and uncomfortable for most people - people don't want to talk to someone who's emotionally disconnected and spacing out all the time. it's just too weird and uncomfortable for them. and i'm sure a lot of people assume that i'm stupid because it looks i'm not thinking.. iv never personally met anyone who is also weird and unusual like that. it's one thing to be shy and anxious. but it's quite another thing to be shy, anxious, reticent, consistently awkward behaviorally and verbally and extremely spacy. not to mention that my frequent memory lapses compound the discomfort and awkwardness for both myself and others.

looking back i absolutely regret those choices. in fact, i regret the last three or four years wasting my life on MI. I don't want to be concerned with it anymore other than for when the concern is necessary.. The fixation might have served some need in the past but iv either abandoned that need or unknowingly substitued it for another fixation. i am only concerned with recovering (maybe that's it) and, idealistically, coming out of these issues in a sense "reborn." maybe I'm romanticizing a bit here..

i didn't think this would get deeper than an issue of virginity... anyway, don't take this as "i need friends, help!".. that is an issue now, but i'm just looking for opinions here.

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I've read this twice. I can't figure out what you want an opinion on. I'd be happy to give you one--I'm full of opinions but I can't figure this one out.

It would have helped if I'd read the title.

So, for my opinion. Nope this doesn't make you a loser. If it did then I'd be a loser as well and I know for a fact that I'm not.

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Guest Vapourware

I was around that age when I lost my virginity. I think what has helped me is to not compare myself with others. Having your virginity at <x> age doesn't really matter, because everyone is different. Before that age, I was simply not interested in having relationships.

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Not pathetic in the slightest.

I haven't been one for a long while, but it's not a contest. (For the record, there was a gdoc visit, bc pills, condoms, and a 'what happens in case of pregnancy' chat all in place beforehand,) I despise any sort of pressure put onto people to not be virgins. It's your call. It's always your call.

I wasn't able to focus on your whole post, stims wore off I'll try again tmw. But you seem to be upset yourself, wishing you had done this or not done that.

Well, you're here now. I over-analyse things too, sometimes, I can get bad panic/anxiety attacks from those chains of thoughts. But all I can really do if I don't want to be paralysed with fear is focus on the here and now. Take an active hand in managing my health. Getting out and meeting people could be in interest groups, like a writer's group, a fitness club, or an online video game - seriously.

I'm pretty spacy myself, less so with the stims but still pretty ADHD.

Really, it sounds like some health management you could benefit from is working on some of your self esteem. Do you have a tdoc currently? They should be able to help you start figuring that out. You've listed all these negative aspects, and I'm sure there's more to you than that. Though, I can't see sig files, so maybe you're in a depressive mood episode for all I know.

Anyway, long winded reply is long! No it's not pathetic to still be a virgin at your age, of your gender, or for people of any gender any number of years older. Yes, popular culture likely disagrees. But I really think that pressure to 'lose one's virginity' as early as possible can be quite damaging, for everyone.

My last ex, mid 20's at the time, he wasn't a virgin but he'd been purposefully celibate for six years. It blows people away when they hear it, but he's pretty open about it. I had a customer at my work last month, 30+ years of age, not a Christian, still a virgin, waiting to be married, and purchasing a toy (I work in an adult store.) And he's not the first such similar customer I've had either.

Pressure exists all-around to be these hyper sexual beings, and it's pushed even more strongly onto us guys, but really many women are that too and many men & women aren't. Virginity is not pathetic in the slightest, and I can get angry when I hear others claim that - not you, nor people like you, just to be clear. I mean others who say such things in a patronizing manner, as if they know everything about human sexuality just because they have had sex. Pfft.

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If I am attracted to a guy who is a virgin, it's absolutely my pleasure to teach him! I don't think it has the stigma that people think it does anymore. Experience doesn't always equal skill or style.

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There you go. You are not a loser if you are still a virgin. It varies a lot. Although sometimes it can feel like you're the only one in the room. By the way, it doesn't matter if you are the only one in the room.

As for "wasting" your time on mental illness, it's not exactly a choice that you made.

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Tdocs can really help with working through these sorts of things. I can relate in my own way to such regrets, as I said before anxiety and all... and my heavy depression in my teens. I did a lot of those 'cool' things then but scared off a lot of people I wanted to be friends with, used to get lots and lots of regret pains from it. Sometimes it still hits me.

If I am attracted to a guy who is a virgin, it's absolutely my pleasure to teach him! I don't think it has the stigma that people think it does anymore. Experience doesn't always equal skill or style.

I wanted to Quote For Truth here, for me it's a person of any gender. I've found that many people with lots of notches on the bedpost have bad habits and never learned to listen to a partner as a unique individual. I've NEVER had that issue with an inexperienced partner. And I can be pretty spacey m'self.

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it's just the constant reminder of everything i miss out on and have been in young adulthood. it's difficult to accept a lot of what has been said, but i did ask for honesty..

Hey, you're still young. It can all still happen. (Truly!)

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My future hubby was 25 when we first had sex. He was a virgin. I didn't see the big deal in it. We came from a very small town where everyone knew each other. He hung out with all his make friends during and after high school, and his primary interest was playing the drums. So he was busy practicing all the time. He just never met or had time to look for a girlfriend.

Hell, the only reason he met me was because I worked at his favorite fast-food restaurant!

I like the fact that we are the only ones for each other, and that it's always been that way. Just makes me feel all that more bonded to him. He was also the first and only person I dated, so that kind of helps that feeling as well.

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i'd just like to add that this is about more than virginity even though the thread topic suggests differently. the virginity thing is on my mind a lot. but so are other things related to that. it's also about expanding social life, cultivating intimacy as a young adult, and simply allowing myself to have fun in life, as im sure a lot of us with MI have a difficult time doing. i don't expect comments on this now, i appreciate the input you've all given, i'm just putting that out there. :)

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I would agree that mental illness does cause you to lead a different life. I often feel that in some ways I am behind other people my age in terms of social maturity, though I think that in other ways I am ahead of them. But I have always felt out of step.

I try to focus on my therapy and treatment because I have a lot of hope that I will be able to recover and have a more normal, healthy life. And I think that there are some areas in my life that are just fine, so I try to focus on those too. I don't know if you feel like that.

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i definitely have hope that therapy will change my life significantly, but for me, with good therapy there is a lot of pain to work through. i just have a hard time staying with it. but no, i don't focus on the positives, i focus on what could be. i should though...

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Pressure exists all-around to be these hyper sexual beings, and it's pushed even more strongly onto us guys, but really many women are that too and many men & women aren't. Virginity is not pathetic in the slightest, and I can get angry when I hear others claim that - not you, nor people like you, just to be clear. I mean others who say such things in a patronizing manner, as if they know everything about human sexuality just because they have had sex. Pfft.

Miron, kudos; that is an evolved perspective, and well stated.

There's nothing pathetic about it. Virginity is a thing. Like any other things. It either is or it isn't. If it is, it is. If it isn't, it isn't.

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I've been in and out of therapy for years. It's a big learning process.

I have also gained much from books, like the CBT workbook 'Mind Over Mood.' I have my eye on a DBT workbook too. The books forum here on CB has good suggestions and reviews, and other suggestions on CB's bookstore link.

I wasn't able to switch from negatives to positives, not directly. Through therapy, stuff I learned in my workbook, and just lots of practice, I've been learning to first identify my negative thoughts. Seeing them, because they were so pervasive and automatic. There are other baby steps from there. Some steps down is the 'counter' thought, which for me had to be... neutral. Or just less negative.

It's tough going. I've been trying to turn that into positive thoughts now, baby step by baby step.

I still get pangs of regret, anxiety, anger, sometimes. For me I try to recognise that this is my anxiety, and then look at my selection of tools for dealing with my anxiety. It may or may not be different for you of course, you need to find what works for you.

For me it's a lot of trial and error. I'm pretty stable so out of therapy, but there are things I work on. I currently liv alone and am single, I focus on my work and certain family members. Occasional visits with friends. I'm also involved in religious studies with a local group, where I have met some really wonderful people, and I find what I am learning to be very fulfilling.

What I'm trying to say is, yes it's hard. It's so easy to fall off the wagon. Somehow ya just gotta keep plodding on. I try to look at the 'small' victories, make sure I pay attention to them and give myself credit for my accomplishments no matter how seemingly small. My house is a mess, I shower rarely, and I interrupt all the time when others talk? Well, I cleaned the catbox, awesome. I caught myself interrupting right after I did it one time, apologised, and shut up to let them finish, good for me! Seriously that last one is hard.

And post to CB, we are good for kicks to the bum and for encouragement. :3 Or so I've found.

(And thanks, Darkchylde.)

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I agree that there is a pressure to have this perfect kind of sex, that has come about with the idea that exists that sex is a commodity or product that can be rated or packaged or measured up against others. I find when I am with someone with whom I share an attraction, there is a certain amount of intuition about it. Yes, first time sex can be an emotional and awkward experience, but it's amazing that the body *knows* what to do because it's a primal thing that has been going on since the dawn of time. That it can be done 'wrong' or in a way that is unacceptable, is a fairly new idea. Cultures over time have tried to improve and deepen sexual practice for those who wanted to explore that, but I don't think sex has been analyzed the way it is now.

Provided it is consensual and you are considerate of yourself and your partner, I don't think is much to get disasterously wrong. And if you are with someone whom you crack up laughing with when it does go comically wrong, all the better.

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Yeah, everyone is different, even from time to time... I'm used to my needs being more unique than what my partners have tended to encounter (though, knowing I'm transgender I finally get why on some of it...) so I never presume I know how another person relates to their body. First time with anyone new can be awkward, less so if neither are trying to get it perfect I think, I much prefer to just make it a game of exploration. :3

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Somehow ya just gotta keep plodding on. I try to look at the 'small' victories, make sure I pay attention to them and give myself credit for my accomplishments no matter how seemingly small. My house is a mess, I shower rarely, and I interrupt all the time when others talk? Well, I cleaned the catbox, awesome. I caught myself interrupting right after I did it one time, apologised, and shut up to let them finish, good for me! Seriously that last one is hard.

And post to CB, we are good for kicks to the bum and for encouragement. :3 Or so I've found.

i'm going to start acting on this focus on the positives thing, i have been feeling depressed on and off. and yeah, i like how people here come across as honest. but please excuse me for not having much to say, it takes a lot longer to get my ideas out and i just can't see the significance in things like i used to.. regardless, thanks everyone. :)

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i'm going to start acting on this focus on the positives thing, i have been feeling depressed on and off. and yeah, i like how people here come across as honest. but please excuse me for not having much to say, it takes a lot longer to get my ideas out and i just can't see the significance in things like i used to.. regardless, thanks everyone. :)

Yeah, focusing on positives is a lot of work,especially while being depressed. Getting out of bed, having a shower, those can be victories for me. And trying to take it day by day, rather than comparing to previous days.

There have been times, esecially when I started out, that it felt like I was telling myself lies. But I'm stuborn like that. Meds have helped a lot too, but yeah I did have to and still am chang/e/ing my thinking.

As for the last bit, I understand. I tend to the wordy myself, but I have been in a similar place before.

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Progress not perfection, Flylady sad i and I live by it. It's not necessary to do all the things now, lol, but just one or two a day will set a routine and make a big difference. I find I cannot hold down a routine under a great deal of pressure from myself or others to completely change the habits of years of chaos. I got this way over several years for good reasons because I was trying not to die, as opposed to trying to keep a tidy house!

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