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PLEASE, ya gotta help me!


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Right. Here we go.

Just over a year ago I got into a relationship with Guy 1. We met at my work, were chatting coyly for weeks and then finally got up the courage to go for a drink together....and when we did it was great, we got on fantastically and so started our relationship.

At the beginning I was a bit reluctant to get into anything serious with Guy 1, because I knew that a few months later I would have to move away to university in another city 2 hours away. BUT we worked so well together that we couldn't help it, and fell in love hard.

Guy 1 and I grew up in the same area, we both love the same music, movies etc, we can chat for hours endlessly about nothing at all, just love hanging out together and making each other laugh! We can also connect on a really deep level, he understands me completely, and I can be more honest with him than anyone else in the world. The same goes for him. I feel safe with him, protected, happy, special... like the whole world is perfect when we're together, and nothing else even exists, just me and him.

We just feel completely compatible, emotionally, physically, sexually (he also happens to be who I lost my virginity to... yes, im 20, was 19 a the time, it's quite late for a 1st serious relationship, but whatever lol).

As much as I adore Guy 1 though, my family and some friends are not exactly enamoured by him, as he does not currently work. He used to own a building company, but got hit by a car and severely damaged his back. Since then he has been living by state benefits.

This doesn't appear as an issue to me, but my mother for example doesn't approve. I brush it off, but I do kinda see how he could make more of an effort to get into work, cz having little money isn't good. It's been hard for him coming to grips with his new injury-limited life, but he's getting there.

Guy 1 used to low-level sell drugs for extra cash. He stopped when we got together cz he thought I wouldn't like it. (Though I have absolutely no objection to that - everyone does drugs sometimes, I don't see selling as bad.)

Guy 1 and I continued our relationship long-distance whilst I was at university this year. Everything was wonderful, we visited each other as much as possible, talked ALL the time and were really happy.

Towards May though, the distance started to get to Guy 1 a bit. We tried to find him a house near me at uni, but couldn't. He became increasingly lonely away from me, tried to cope with it through drinking, got really messed up 1 night, and slept with his best friend. I didn't know about this then, but general distance-caused tension between us was upsetting me too, and I was considering ending it.

He couldn't deal with what he'd done and couldn't lie to me, so called to break up with me, exactly when I planned on the same thing. I didn't know he'd cheated at the time, just thought the distance was too much.

So we split, and I was destroyed. I honestly thought my world was going to end, I was in so much pain, I loved him SO much.

Enter Guy 2.

After about a week of bed and crying I felt better enough to go on a night out with friends. On this night out, in my incredibly drunk state, I kind of latched onto Guy 2. We'd been friends for a good few months, and I guess I needed a rebound fuck.

Thing is, Guy 2 actually really liked me. And so somehow it turned into a relationship. Guy 2 told me he loved me after having been 'together' 4 days :huh:

Guy 2 is sweet. He goes to my uni, he's a massive geek, we both like anime, he's quite funny. He's also ridiculously in love with me, so makes me feel special! ...He wants sex too often though, that's annoying. We're not very compatible there at all. He's also very safe - no drugs at all there, he's very straight-laced. Emotionally we get on well though, we're both quite deep-thinkers. Although a huge issue now is Guy 2's anxiety. Guy 2 has social anxiety trouble and has panic attacks. I feel for him of course, and try to help as much as I can. I hate to say it, BUT I can't take much more though. He winds himself up, and honestly I (and other friends) feel he plays the victim role a bit too much for attention, winds himself up, and makes himself worse.

It's just getting a bit much now, because I can't enjoy any social situations, as Guy 2 invariably feels anxious, goes all moody and uptight and either we have to go home, or he's so awkward that I just can't enjoy staying.

Whilst this isn't his fault, he could get help, and doesn't, and he won't open up to me at all, so I can't help. It's odd, he doesn't even open up to ME, im his girlfriend. I feel sad too because despite his initial rush, he doesn't like saying 'I love you' now. It seems really difficult for him... Really the whole relationship is feeling a bit of an effort.

Now. Recently, whilst feeling odd about Guy 2, myself and Guy 1 have been back in contact.

After talking for a few days, we both admitted that we'd never stopped loving each other. He told me about the friend he'd slept with, and that they'd since tried being a couple, but had split cz it just didn't work. I was of course shocked and hurt... But I love him so much!

I realised through the strength of my renewed feelings for Guy 1 that things with me and Guy 2 had just moved too quickly. I shouldn't have got with him at all really.

I went to see Guy 1 again last week. Spending time together again was WONDERFUL, it felt like coming home. I spent the night at his place, and we slept together. SO technically I've now cheated on Guy 2.

BUT I don't care.

It's such a weird situation - I can't feel bad, because I just feel that Guy 1 and I are soulmates. We both think that we're just meant to be together. And so we each have a free pass morally....

So Guy 1 thinks we're back together, whilst Guy 2 has no idea about any of this, and I'm freaking OUT.

Something in me thinks that me + Guy 1 shouldn't get back together... Just because other people think he's a bad choice. And really I think a small part of me doesn't really see a successful future for the relationship. BUT the larger part of me thinks FUCK being sensible, I love Guy 1, and he loves me!!

And I know I shouldn't be with Guy 2. We got into a relationship too quickly, when I was hurting and confused and not ready. I should end it with him. BUT I'm also very reluctant (scared?) to be alone. It's convenient (as horrid as that sounds) to be with Guy 2. He'll cook for me and get me stuff and is someone to cuddle, it's not long distance. And I feel soooo bad breaking up with him! It'll be so awkward after, we have mutual friends.

So please, someone help me!! What do I do?!

Which 1 should I be with: 1, or 2, or neither?!

Thanks for reading such a long rant too :blush:

Love,

Chloe

xx

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Please, do "Guy 2" a favor and break up with him. You cheated on him and you're using him because of what he can do for you and give to you. You sound really insensitive to his issues with anxiety and from everything I've read here...honestly it sounds like a terrible relationship. As for "Guy 1", I would never want to be with someone who cheated on me, and wouldn't really find a guy who uses/sells drugs all that attractive either, but I guess that's just me. Also, In my opinion, I wouldn't care if a guy I really loved had "little money" because that's not important to me, and also if he truly is injured and limited then I don't see a problem with him having the benefits. Granted, I obviously don't know every detail, but I've read what you've presented me with and this is my opinion on your situation.

I honestly think both of these relationships sound bad and you could use some time to work on yourself. I know the terrible feeling of loneliness and how much it can suck being alone, but I've learned that it's better to be alone than in a messed up relationship. In the end, though, you've got to make the decision you think is right for you, whatever that may be. I just hope you don't continue to string guy 2 along.

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Thanks humanoid.

Trying to see this from a perspective that's not emotionally attached is helpful.

I don't think I was clear before - I know I've definitely gotta end it with Guy 2, I'm just waiting for him to be back from holiday so I can do so face-to-face. It's not right that I haven't before now to be honest, but as I said, I just don't want to be alone...

As much as I do love Guy 1 immensely, that's probably not the healthiest either.

So maybe I do just need to be by myself for a while...

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You wanted an opinion---here is mine.

I think you should break up with both of them. Guy #1 is not trying to find work, he isn't going back to school to learn a new profession, and while you are in school, he is too far away to have a day-to-day relationship. Plus, he sold drugs. Let's face it---this is against the law. And he also cheated on you with another girl. I'm trying to see some good qualities here, but they don't outweigh the negative.

Guy #2 is a convenience. You don't love him, you've cheated on him with #1, and you are being selfish by staying with him. He could go find a girl who would be his one and only, but he won't do that as long as you are around. The right thing to do would be to level with him that you don't love him and he should get on with his life without you.

I think you're burning the candle at both ends, which is a dangerous game. Suppose Guy #1 got an STD from his best friend, he passed it along to you and you passed it along to #2? It's not fair to guy #2 and I think you should let him down easily and stay away from him.

It's one thing to date two different men, and that's perfectly acceptable. But it is not fair to either of these guys to let them believe you are in an exclusive relationship.

olga

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I honestly think both of these relationships sound bad and you could use some time to work on yourself.

Quoted. For. Truth.

Being single can suck sometimes, it did for me sometimes during my last period of it. My current period of being single is awesome, I alao live solo now with no room mates, and I appreciate the time to focus on my work and spiritual studies. IMHO, it's healthy to be comfortable being single and knowing what you want.

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Thanks everyone. I realise I might have sounded like a rather massive douche with this situation if you don't quite know all the details (and man, maybe even if you do :() I've got very mixed up in my emotions and let my heart pull me around a lot... The last thing I'd want is to hurt either of these boys though!

So I think being by myself is probably best.

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I just don't want to be alone...

While I empathise with this, acting out based on these feelings can be unhealthy and even dangerous. I've had casual flings that stayed casual, for fun not because I was lonely, but not everyone can separate love and sex either and that's okay. Seeking relationships to avoid loneliness can often result in overlooking many things and too-maleable personal standards. It can result in staying with someone who doesn't treat us very well or highly, or themselves for that matter, just to avoid that lonely feeling.

Learning to prioritise myself and what I want out of life has been a blessing. I am not alone, I have friends, a job I love, cats, my sister and her family, and my mother. Looking for someone to keep away loneliness only meant I was looking for anyone to fill a spot in my life, not an actual person. I have higher standards now, based on what's important in my life and what I am and am not willing to compromise on.

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Thanks everyone. I realise I might have sounded like a rather massive douche with this situation if you don't quite know all the details (and man, maybe even if you do :() I've got very mixed up in my emotions and let my heart pull me around a lot... The last thing I'd want is to hurt either of these boys though!

So I think being by myself is probably best.

Sorry to keep posting! Just wanted to add that I've done my own share of douchey things in this field, to others and to myself. They may very well be hurt by a choice to be single, or any other choice you make really. But you do sound like you could use some time to sort out your own feelings and standards, with or without a tdoc.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Just an update:

I broke up with Guy 2.

I feel better, because it's fairer on both of us really.

I think he's ok. As far as I know he's at a couple of mutual friends' house right now...probably bitching about me. But that's ok.

Guy 1... I don't know. We haven't spoken in a while.

I'm going to try my hardest to use this time for me.

Thanks for everyone's support.

xx

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Good for you. That took courage, and it seems like you are pleased with the resolution, even if Guy1 is still a question. We have all done things we are ashamed of, but you are taking affirmative action to remedy it.

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Guest Vapourware

I think it was very strong of you to break up with guy #2. I guess now is a good idea to work on issues you have regarding your feelings of being alone.

Sometimes, someone can seem to be THE one for you, but they are not good for you. I think that describes guy #1. He doesn't sound healthy for you. I've been in a relationship where I thought I had met my soulmate and it took me a while to realise it was a fucked up relationship.

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