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Stuck in the US until further notice, meanwhile my depression is taking me over.


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I currently live in New Jersey, but my heart is in North London. That's where I need to be, that's where my support system is, that's where I am home. I just got back from a month long holiday in Finchley back in June and my depression is getting worse again. Every day I see my friends uploading new pictures of them hanging round the pub or taking the kids to the park and it breaks my heart that I'm not there with them now. I knew from the time was daughter born that I wanted to be living back there by the time she starts school, since the educational system is vastly different and transfering is a pain in the ass. But this last trip has really made me realize that I need to be over there as soon as possible.

I'm stuck here. I'm going nowhere in life, doing a dead end job that I love, but it pays shit. I can't find a better job in my field because there are none with openings. I want to finish uni, but I can't afford it here and I can't get FASFA to overturn my rejection. (My last semester I dropped two classes due to health issues. I have medical excuses and doctors notes, but they keep fucking around) I have no friends here, there's nothing to do with my daughter except walk around the mall as there's no real parks in the area, the only thing here is some family, and my family and I don't get on well at all. They're close with my daughter, which is the part that kill me about moving, but at the same time, my mum has been talking about leaving the states for a while. I have a strong feeling that if I moved she wouldn't be far behind.

I have things set up in Finchley. I have the most amazing support system and I can land a job really easy as I've got quite a few connections. Believe it or not, the colleges and unis I've looked at are cheaper than here, and getting a uni loan is a lot easier and a lot safer than in the states.

My daughter would have other children her age to play with, she'd have a happy mummy, and we'd be able to live a lot more comfortably. My mood is so different when I'm there, it's like the world could be falling apart around me, but I'm home, and that's enough to keep me going.

I can't take waking up every morning and having to drive to the shop, drive here, drive there, spend a fortune in petrol because our public transit is shit and everything is too far away to walk. I miss my Rubicon and branston pickle cheese sandwiches. I miss the shit weather and wearing a jacket in the summer. I miss my best friend, and her mum making me marmite toast when we come in at 2 in the morning. I miss everything.

I'm going back in January to find a job in the area, since it's too risky for me to move with my daughter before securing income. So it makes me feel a bit brighter that I'll at least be back for a short while in 6 months. But it's just waiting until then that's killing me. I can't go before then as I won't have the money, and I really regret not looking for work while I was over there. I don't know why the hell I didn't put my CV in then.

I'm not on anti-depressants as I have borderline personality disorder and have been advised not to take them, but I'm running out of ways to manage it on my own. I can't afford therapy anymore (I have no insurance), and I have so many stressers right now. I feel like I have to force myself to get out of bed every morning and I hate that. I lost my second daughter during pregnancy back in March and I really haven't been right since then. I feel like my life is some sort of sick joke. I battle depression, I'm recovering from anorexia, I'm a recovered addict, I'm a sexual abuse and domesitc violence survivor, and I've got an angel baby. Really? Am I really supposed to manage all this on my own? If I didn't have my daughter, I honestly don't believe I would be here. She's the only thing that keeps me going.

How do I manage without medication or therapy? Are there any natural remedies to help with depression?

Sorry this is a bit of a rant, I'm not really comfortable discussing the extent of my depression with my partner because I've got this irrational fear that he'll think bad of me. He wouldn't, as he's proved that time and time again, but I feel like if I open up I'm just being a drama queen. Really, it's just left over scars from my past experiences. I recognize this, but I don't know how to change it.

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Have you investigated local social services? If you have a low income, you might be eligible for counseling on a sliding scale fee schedule. Call the county Dept. of Social Services and ask to make an appointment.

You might also check to see if there is a Mental Health Association in your area. I am not familiar with the services and organizations in NJ, so I'm sorry I'm not more help.

I would also check to see if there is a chapter of NAMI nearby. They might have groups meeting that you could attend.

There are also generic meds that are pretty inexpensive. I don't think you can treat mental illness without the help of a medical professional, so you need to see a psychiatrist. It's possible that the county has services you could use.

olga

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I go through the county to get my healthcare. I have no insurance and am unemployed, and they do charge me on a sliding scale. At least you have London to look forward to! Try to focus on the future since the present and past suck so much. I would absolutely try to see a dr about some kind of medication. There has to be some variety that's safe for borderline personality disorder.

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I have no advice to give other than what's already been said above, but your post quite nearly brought tears to my eyes, and I really feel for you. I, too, am away from home, have been for the last seven years. I know what you mean by saying the world could be falling apart but it would be okay because you're home. I feel like that so much. I really hope things turn up for you, and that you can go home soon.

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