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My stupid brother


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Sorry this is long, it's ranty.

I'm pissed off at my brother. He sneaked a kitten into our house in the middle of the night, despite my mother saying NO he cannot have a cat. We already have two cats, two elderly cats who don't adjust well to change. So, I reasonably expected my mother to flip out and tell him to get rid of the cat. My mother is always going on and on about how she's sick and tired of our cats anyway. Well, nope. She didn't flip out. She just let him keep the cat here until he moves out. I am furious. I don't want another cat! And my brother, of course, promptly left the kitten with me and my mother and went to his girlfriend's house for three days. So, here I am, stuck caring for a kitten I don't even want.

I have nothing personal against the kitten, I adore him, he's so cute and cuddly. It breaks my heart that he's going to have to leave, but he has to. The kitten's presence is causing my male cat to spray urine all over the house, and all over my books and bedroom. That's disgusting! And my mother just doesn't seem to care.

I confronted her about this and she said she doesn't want the kitten and she's annoyed at my brother but she doesn't want to start a fight with him. I told her that sometimes a fight is inevitable. We can't fucking keep another cat. I feel like my feelings are completely invalidated in this whole situation. I feel like everyone is making me out to be some giant stick in the mud for not wanting the kitten. I have good reasons to not want the kitten! It's making my cat spray, it's another mouth to feed, my brother doesn't even take care of it, my sister is allergic, it's upsetting our current cats and I just don't want it. Isn't that enough?

My mother keeps saying "well you talk to your brother!!" NO. I am not the parent in this situation. When I said that my mother said "When does parenting end??" And I said "When my brother grows up."

Am I being completely unreasonable in this situation? FYI, we are basically adult children, I'm almost 22, my brother is 19 and my sister is 17. So, I think we should be able to handle ourselves, but apparently my brother can't. Should I lay off and wait and see if the cats adjust? I'm just worried my cat will spray urine in the mean time.

Mainly, I'm sick and tired of my mother putting me in the parent role. She always wants ME to "deal with" my brother. I expected her to be angry about the kitten and when she wasn't, I felt so let down. She had a chance to finally put her foot down about something and she blew it. She constantly says she doesn't want any more cats, but then just allows my brother to keep this one?

The kitten can go back where it came from, the guy said it's okay. I just need to know, am I being completely unreasonable? I cried for hours over this, I feel bad for wanting the cat to go. I feel like such a bad person.

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I think your being quite reasonable. It's upsetting your current cats and your mother already said no. I don't see anything unreasonable there.

I want another cat but the one I have is very attached to myself and my boyfriend and very protective of her personal space, also our apartment is quite small, so I'm not getting another at this stage. These are decisions we have to make, you shouldn't feel like a bad person.

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I think you are right about your mother. As we say around here, it's time for your mom to grow a pair and deal with your brother and tell him no.

I mean, she'd rather let her daughter get into an argument than she would, even though she feels getting kid of the kitten is the right thing to do?! That's absurd. I'd argue with my brother, but I'd tell him that your mom wants the cat gone too and is firmly on your side in this matter. Then let her deal with the fallout.

I have a cat who is urinating outside the litter box right now, so I understand exactly how you feel. It is gross and disgusting, and if something can be done to correct the situation, it should be done. I mean, no one wants to live in a room smelling of per (I know this one personally and with a passion!)

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I have a family like that, I tend to be the one who has to lay down the law, my little brother gets away with all sorts of stuff. If you feel like confronting your brother would make you feel better, in the sense that you had said your piece, then find a good way to do it. In DBT I used the DEAR MAN technique:

Describe the situation:

You bought a kitten without checking with us, it causes a lot of problems:

Express your feelings:

I am angry that it causes so many problems and issues for us as a house and you don't seem to take that board.

Assert yourself:

I will not be looking after the cat for you and if you cannot look after yourself, I will take it to a shelter/Please get rid of the cat.

Reinforce why you want what you want

Everyone can relax and the other cats will be a lot happier if the kitten is no longer around.

Be mindful (use the broken record technique, refuse to be drawn into arguments, just state the above, repeat if needed.)

Be Confident (don't use apologetic or nervous body language or tones)

Negotiate (is there an arrangement you can both feel happy with that is some kind of compromise)

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Ims and Gizmo, thank you for the validation! I'm sick and tired of my mother putting the responsibility on my shoulders to deal with my brother. On top of that, I really wish my brother just act like a decent human being and then this wouldn't be a problem. Ugh. And Gizmo, cat pee absolutely is the worst thing in the world. I'm sorry you have a cat doing the same thing, the smell never leaves.

Titania, I will be using the DEAR MAN technique in the future, and probably when my brother finally gets home from his girlfriend's house. Thanks for suggesting it. I hate being the one who has to lay down the law. My authority (what little I have) is undermined by my mother's flip flopping and passive aggressive approach to parenting. So basically, my brother can do whatever he wants, my mother privately seethes and I'm stuck cleaning up the mess. It's such a joke.

Thankfully, I think I convinced my mother to talk to my brother about the cat. I think my male cat spraying urine all over her favourite bag was what finally got her to see what a bad idea this kitten is. So, I have to wait till my brother gets home from his girlfriend's house and then me and mother are going to set him straight on this issue. Or rather, I HOPE my mother will help set him straight instead of running off to avoid a fight.

Thanks for giving me a space to discuss this guys, it's really stressing me out.

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