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I love you, I want to propose.


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I have never felt as healthy, as loved, as accepted, and as happy as I do with my boyfriend of over a year. I have never trusted someone so much, been so compatible, been so attracted, or been so in love as I am with him. We help each other with each other's illnesses. He has Aspergers, ADHD, Generalized Anxiety, and Depression. I have Bipolar I, ADHD, Generalized Anxiety, and PTSD. We complement each other so very well. We've discussed marriage and plan on getting engaged when he finishes his Masters and gets a job. I am currently between teaching jobs.

I wish I could let him know that when I get upset, it's not his fault (or has yet to be- we've never argued). It truly is bliss and more than I deserve. I'm also tempted to propose myself, but he's so hung up on it being "romantic" and "traditional", when were in no way traditional. I think it's his social obligation, he thinks, and I don't want him to be crushed under the expectations people have of the men in a heterosexual relationship. I don't think he would mind if people wouldn't be on his case about it.

Thoughts?

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I proposed to my ex fiance, I could have written your post. I think it is awesome when ladies propose, however your guy has been clear that he wants to do it on his schedule. My advice is take him at his word and give him time. Don't do what I did and ask when you know he isn't ready.

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I proposed to my ex fiance, I could have written your post. I think it is awesome when ladies propose, however your guy has been clear that he wants to do it on his schedule. My advice is take him at his word and give him time. Don't do what I did and ask when you know he isn't ready.

The fact it's your "ex" worries me a bit, to be honest. Did things go past-tense because you did propose? Sorry if I'm probing.

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Umm, yes and no.

He was all like 'I want to marry you' for months and we hashed out a lot of future stuff. We had an issue that we didn't resolve, mostly because he was dragging his feet. I was naive enough to think he may resolve it in his own time if I was hands off for a while. We had been together two years, same values, great relationship (idyllic really) when I proposed he admitted he had picked out a ring to propose to me with this month (I proposed in May.) We seemed very much on the same page.

Honestly, I feel like I made a decision on the information I had, which was that he wanted what I wanted and was ready to marry. He wasn't, and whether I overlooked some important red flags, I guess that is true. No relationship is perfect, so I thought maybe we would have to struggle through the issue, because plenty of couples don't have everything figured out when they get engaged.

So for us, engagement was the period where we really talked about our concrete plans for the future, and he decided he didn't share our plans after all and dumped me. It was successful in the element that we didn't have a wedding that we shouldn't have had, or get stuck in a marriage we didn't want to be in. Plenty of engagements end without marriage, because that period is one of testing and refining. I don't want to be all cynical and bitter and tell you that proposing was a big mistake. I don't think it failed because I did the asking, I think it failed because we weren't ever going to make it, no matter who pulled the ring out. I asked him on good faith, I trusted him and that is all I could do in that position.

There is no reason why women can't propose, in a equal relationship without traditional gender roles, there is nothing different than a man asking. My point is that:

1. He doesn't feel ready, men are very into being financially secure, because getting engaged means they feel they will be financially responsible for you, and for funding the life you want, even if you're a raging feminist with a better job than them. It's a conditioning thing. ou don't have a job, so he will feel this doubly.

2. He has told you he wants to be traditional and ask you. If you go along with your idea, he may accept, but he may also feel like you cheated him of a chance to do something romantic for you. You may find yourself wondering what his proposal may have been and regretting it.

Society puts a lot of expectation into proposals, they seem to be a big indicator to others about what kind of relationship you have and what your role is. Right now, you're a couple with very little expectation placed on you. When you get engaged, you are suddenly public property and people will judge and interfere. That was the hardest part of being engaged for me. Everyone and his dog had an opinion on when/how/where we should marry, people who had little interest in my life before seemed to feel they had a claim on what we did next.

I do honestly feel that my ex fiance got some hassle from others who saw my proposal as pressuring him or emasculating him etc. I think that probably was hard for him. He was big enough to laugh it off and not take it seriously, but it really didn't do his ego any good. I also felt really vulnerable to other peoples reactions to our engagement, doing the asking made me feel responsible for how other people saw it. I understand why men don't rush to ask, it is a big scary thing to do.

If your relationships works and makes you happy in this moment, take my advice and don't try to make it into something else. I proposed because I loved him, also because I wanted the security of knowing we had a future. I think sometimes that security mattered more than he did, ugly as that is to type. If you want to ask him to marry you, do it with eyes wide open that it is a risk, you stand to lose a lot. He could trun you down (what then?) and the rejection drive you apart. Or he could accept out of pressure and back out later.

If he is the man for you and you love him, trust that he will ask if and when he is ready. Don't impose your agenda on him.

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I realized I wanted to propose to my husband about a month before he proposed to me. I felt like I was at a huge disadvantage, because he was supporting me 100%, but we really love each other, and were so compatible. I didn't even know what the word compatible truly meant before. I was too afraid, because I was afraid he would think I was a gold-digger.

During that month, DH got a job offer on the other side of the country, and he asked me to please go with him, and I said yes to that. I am a compulsive planner, so one thing I was obsessing about was health insurance. In Pittsburgh, all my doctors treated me for free (back in the days of professional courtesy, and no insane insurance companies). So I was brainstorming, and I asked him if his company offered health insurance to domestic partners? Do they only allow gay domestic partner couples, or were we eligible? And he said, "Or we could just get married." we both kind of scared ourselves, and thought it over for a few days. His mom called, and he said in to her on the phone in front of me, "We're talking about getting married," so when he hung up, I asked if that meant I could tell my family too? He said yes. So it was Dec 13, 2000 that I consider our engagement date, although we started the conversation that led to it about three weeks prior.

To be honest, I know that when people think "proposal," they think of some kind of romantic or carefully thought out event, with champagne and chocolates, and rings hidden in dessert, or whatever. But I don't understand that. If you have agreed to marry, why do you have to through this ritual routine to ask if the other person wants to marry you. You have agreed you want to marry. He may want to put off the "official" engagement, but I don't understand the difference between reaching an agreement to marry, and having a big proposal routine.

I really am asking. If you have agreed to marry, aren't you engaged? I thought you were. But it seems like there is some extra step required before the engagement fairies right your names in their magic book.

By the way, I'm crazy. I don't mean to be insulting if it sounds like it, I've always wondered about this. I mean, I'm not telling you you aren't allowed to be insulted, I am just saying there is no intent to that, and I would honestly like to know..

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I kind of agree with this ^^^^^^^^^ this idea that it has to be a ritual often makes things harder. We had a conversation, very simple, no rings, on a Wednesday night.it was pretty adult. I didn't really want to be taken to Disney land or find a ring in a glass of champagne etc.

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With DH and I, I guess technically I proposed first. We had this weird courtship that is a long story. Finally, one evening he mentioned that he wished he knew that he was special to me, compared to previous boyfriends. I told him he was the one I wanted to marry. He asked me if I was sure. It sort of evolved from there. By the time he did the official proposal with a ring and everything, many of our friends knew, and we had the date set, the church booked and a caterer on board. All that being said, DH is quite non-traditional in some areas, and had a strong female role model growing up, so me driving things along didn't really bother him.

In some ways, I wish I had waited, not really pushed to get things nailed down, just to have more of an element of romantic surprise. Your SO sounds more traditional than mine. Sounds like the job thing in particular may be delaying things, because as previously mentioned, men have a thing about needing to be the support of the family. My DH was technically in school at the time, but he also had a full-time job.

I know it's hard waiting, but I bet you'll find it's worth it in the end.

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I think by saying he wants to finish his masters and get a job, he's saying he's not ready yet, but he sees the relationship headed in that direction. That's a good thing.

I also pushed hard in my first marriage for engagement, and it was really for the commitment and stability than it was for the relationship and person.

My current husband was my high school sweetheart and we dated for six years before breaking up (I was away at school) and marrying other people. Sixteen years later, we saw one another and the love had never gone away. From the very first few weeks, we knew that we would marry. He had a young daughter and this was clearly part of it as well.

We waited six months for the actual proposal/ring part, but our families knew we would be getting married (we grew up together in the same church and our families were already "family" iykwim). So, when the time came, he took me to pick out my ring, and after it was put together and and sized and appraised, he had it in the safe for a bit. He planned a picnic proposal, but his daughter got sick and we took her to the doctor instead. So, that night over fish sticks, he proposed. It was great!

But we were really engaged a long time before that.

You will know when you are engaged. It won't be about asking; it will be about knowing. It sounds like you know he isn't there yet. I wouldn't push it.

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