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I havent been on here in about a month. I thought id won the 9year battle, i havent. Every freaking thing is falling apart. And i cant deal with it anymore.

I've been hurting myself again, everyday. I havent been looking after myself, and im sure i have an infection in my wounds. I just want to give up. I cant deal with it anymore.

I try to end it, then i stop, think and then feel so freaking guilty, that i cant do it. Then i feel like a failure, a wuss for not doing it.

I just need help, i cant talk to anyone about this and theres no where for me to go for help. What can i do? I feel so freaking helpless.

Help. Please.

Pickle

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Pickle, if you think you have an infection, you need to see a doctor or go to the hospital, because someone needs to look at it. I know it's really not a pleasant thing to have to do, but you can get some nasty infections from self-harming. Goes doubly if you are thinking you might kill yourself.

Why do you think that nobody can help you? I know there are probably very good reasons but I would encourage you to try. Being dead won't solve your problem and neither will SI.

The thing with SI is that sometimes there is no definitive "win" forever. But that doesn't mean you can't have victories. A month is a victory, and nothing can take that away from you. That shows that you have the strength to stop again and go another month.

Please put your tools away and try to find some help. At least go to a public place where you will be around other people, or phone someone who can come and be with you.

Keep us posted.

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You are neither a failure nor a wuss for not killing yourself.

Staying alive is not for the faint of heart. It takes hutzpah to look our troubles in the face.

You have nine years. Nobody can take that away from you.

When times get hard it makes sense that we revert to older habits. But that doesn't mean you have lost.

Please take appropriate care of your symptoms and injuries, including having them evaluated by a professional in person. You deserve to have appropriate care, no matter how you feel.

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Its difficult to help me with my problems because its all illness related, or other peoples problems. Theyre not even my problems but they are my problems. I feel like. Have nothing in my life and no one in my life. Im surrounded by people,but i feel so alone. Im not even making sense.

I cant see my doctor she wants me to go to the priory, and i dont want to go. I cant go to a&e cause they'll call my psych and my doctor.

I know i seem like im making excuses but i am all over the place and dont even know if i can leave the house.

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OH!

That makes so much more sense. I thought you were referring to a monastery or cloister, and was very confused.

Your doc thinks you should go inpatient/residential care.

You can decide if what you are saying are excuses. I'm not here to make judgment about that.

I do know that if you think you have an infected wound, it should be evaluated by a medical professional before it kills you. And yes, people do die from wound infections... or lose limbs. Not trying to scare you. Just giving accurate information about the risks.

I hope you decided to get yourself a medical evaluation of your wounds, and a mental health evaluation of your symptoms.

What's preventing you from wanting to go to a higher level of care?

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I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. This year, I relapsed after a 25 year recovery from self-harm. That does not take away from my years of "sobriety."

We use what coping mechanisms we have when things get very bad. If you can't stop self-harming, can you at least use harm-reduction techniques? I think there is a pinned thread with recommendations there.

If you go to A&E, and they call your psychiatrist, so what? Can they make you go inpatient (sorry, I'm mostly familiar with the American system)? If not, what is the worst that could happen? That you are referred back to your psychiatrist for further care? You will at least get your injuries treated so a bad situation does not turn worse. And you may get some help with medication or other support (I don't know your current situation).

Try to remember that the suicidal feelings are the mental illness talking. They are not permanent. You have felt better in the past and will again. Is there someone you trust who you can be with during this time?

Please keep us posted.

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I messed up again, i ended up self harming worse than i have in a long time, i ended up taking a 40min train ride to go to an a&e 20 miles from where i live.

They cant make me go to the priory, but its more the disappointment of people around me then the therapy and treatment.

Normally i have my fiance with me all the time, but his mum had a stroke and obviously, he hasnt been here for me like he always has been. I cant burden him with this and i feel so guilty for breaking my word to him...i just dont know what to do....

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