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Embarrassed to call pdoc?


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Have any of you been too embarrassed to call the pdoc? I am right now.

Let me explain. I saw him on the 2nd and was doing well. Only talked about secondary issues I'm having and got med refills. Good visit. I did mention my intense anxiety, though.

Well the intense anxiety has bloomed into intense anxiety, agitation, emotional restlessness and unfocused behavior, and general irritability and intrusive thoughts and irrational and obsessional thought patterns. In other words, I'm on my way to a mixed episode.

But I was fine just 3 days ago! How will my pdoc feel or what will he think if I call so soon after seeing him and telling him I'm a mess? Especially since I was so calm and focused during my appt on Thursday!

Has anyone fallen hard and fast after an appt, and how do you deal with it? I'm pulling out, for the first time in several months, an entire full day's worth of Librium to try and just make it through today. It's a band-aid, but I don't have anything else I can do, and distracting myself isn't working.

Any inpu is appreciated!

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That's happened to me a couple of times. I always feel like an ass, calling like the DAY after I just saw the person, but if something's going on that they have to know about...well, they have to know about it. I think they'd rather know, on the whole.

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I have absolutely been in this situation and chickened out and didn't call my pdoc. That's not the advice I would give you, however. If you can muster up the courage to call, I think that's the best choice. I'm sure pdocs know that someone can go from okay to not okay quite quickly.

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well, first, it's good that you have a benzo to back up on.

second, i don't have any tips on how to cope with an oncoming mixed episode - i've never had one, but i have fallen apart rather shortly after a pdoc meeting and i used all of the cbt/mindfulness techniques that i've learned in order to get me through the day. i would sit by the computer in a quiet, not-too-bright room and listen to progressive muscle relaxation and guided deep breathing sessions (you can also youtube - there are tons on there) while trying to focus my thoughts on the progressive muscle relaxation and guided deep breathing as well as on the present so as not to think too much into the future or the past, which would surely send anxiety out of control in my case.

and third, yes, i've contacted my pdoc because, well, it's his job to help me, and i'd rather not be miserable for the next x amount of time and be prideful/ashamed/embarrassed to call rather than deal with the distress and feel embarrassed, especially if you aren't calling him/her daily. i'll bet that s/he'll probably be more than willing to help!

good luck! make the call!

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I always wait too long to tell my pdoc about changes, and then I'm always a crisis patient.

Mixed states are hell on earth, in my experience, so you should probably let him know.

Good luck!

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Thanks everyone. I will call Monday morning as soon as the office opens.

I can do ok in the morning while the vyvanse is in full effect, but in the late afternoon things get dicey, and at night it's downright terrible. I admit, the past three nights I've taken my trazodone really early so I can go to bed like around 9:15-9:30. It's a really poor tactic, but I have to do what I can to get by.

I think the embarrassing part is that I've been doing so well. I feel like a failure right now, like I had reached a level of stability where I fought so hard to be (and wanted to stay) and now I have to look myself in the mirror and say that my stability was just a myth. That in still as bad off as I have been for forever.

And it worries me, because I thought I was doing so well that I could handle the rigors of college. And I'm excited to try. But what if I'm not strong enough, and I can't do it? My dreams would be shattered. A dream I've had and planned for for more than a year. Then what would happen to me? To my mental health? To my sense of self-worth?

But thanks for all your advice. Hopefully I'll have a good plan when I talk to the pdoc tomorrow.

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Thanks everyone. I will call Monday morning as soon as the office opens.

glad you are calling. It seems like you are in good company with the needing to call fairly shortly after an appointment.

I can do ok in the morning while the vyvanse is in full effect, but in the late afternoon things get dicey, and at night it's downright terrible. I admit, the past three nights I've taken my trazodone really early so I can go to bed like around 9:15-9:30. It's a really poor tactic, but I have to do what I can to get by.

I've done that one as well. Sometimes it's just what's needed. Not that it's a long-term solution, but it's sometimes a good short-term fix.

I think the embarrassing part is that I've been doing so well. I feel like a failure right now, like I had reached a level of stability where I fought so hard to be (and wanted to stay) and now I have to look myself in the mirror and say that my stability was just a myth. That in still as bad off as I have been for forever.

The fact that it's been forever is wonderful and any symptoms you have now don't take away from the long period of stability. Plus, who knows...maybe you're catching it early enough that it won't be a full-blown episode. Even if it's not though, that doesn't take away from the period of stability you had. It's not your fault that every now and then the nasty illness bites you.

And it worries me, because I thought I was doing so well that I could handle the rigors of college. And I'm excited to try. But what if I'm not strong enough, and I can't do it? My dreams would be shattered. A dream I've had and planned for for more than a year. Then what would happen to me? To my mental health? To my sense of self-worth?

No need to assume you can't right now. You feel crappy. That's never a good time to make more long-term decisions. See if you can ride out the storm a bit, put in the call, and see where it goes from there. I know it's hard not to question everything, but I've always found that when I question everything, all that happens is I spin myself in circles.

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Gizmo, I have not been stable in five years, since the birth of my daughter triggered my PTSD and them post-partum onset Bipolar I with psychosis. It's exhausting and so hard not to feel hopeless.

I don't think your moments of stability are an illusion. They are a window of hope.

Making plans, especially big ones, and having to back off of them is very hard. I beat myself up about it a lot. But I also find that the more time I have to amp up, and the heavier the expectation, the worse I cope with it. That's part of my illness; I don't know if that is how it works for you. When I actually do follow through, things tend to be a lot easier than I thought, though.

My pdoc says Bipolar is a moving target. I like that metaphor, because it reminds me that we will always be aiming for stability, but not always hitting the mark. Things will shift.

I hope you are able to find relief soon.

And what Dancesintherain said, lol.

I, too, have medicated into sleep just to end each day. Just wanted to add that. It's better than a lot of ways of coping.

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And it worries me, because I thought I was doing so well that I could handle the rigors of college. And I'm excited to try. But what if I'm not strong enough, and I can't do it? My dreams would be shattered. A dream I've had and planned for for more than a year. Then what would happen to me? To my mental health? To my sense of self-worth?

Keep going after your dream, Gizmo. I know you can do it. I recently finished my prereqs for nursing and it was hard and I had two episodes, but I got through it. Take things slow, be organized, take time for rest and remember to breathe. I can feel your excitement for school, hold onto it! You may have to do things more slowly than other students, but you can still succeed. I really recommend getting involved with disability services at your school, just in case you do have an episode and need accommodations.

Also, I think you're still doing really well. You're recognizing a mixed episode right away and you're taking steps to counter it. Definitely give your pdoc a call. Your ability to recognize episodes and your self awareness are great skills to take with you to school, so that if something does happen, you'll be able to deal with it quickly.

I hope you feel better soon!

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Well, I called the pdoc first thing this morning, but he's out of the office today (why does this always happen when I really need him?) so I will have to make it through until tomorrow.

I went to bed at 9:30 last night and woke up at 4:45 this morning. I don't mind waking up early, but it's truly bizzare for me to wake up before dawn and not be able to go back to sleep. Considering the first 35 years of my life I would go to bed at 2-3 am every night if I could.

The three Librium allowed me to loosely keep my shit together yesterday, and I have three more for today. Hopefully I get helpful news from the pdoc tomorrow on what the hell to do, because my life really sucks, right now, from about 2 pm until I go to bed.

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I think that part of maintaining stability is more of an... active balance, an equilibrium. Things won't necessarily stay the same. Thins have shifted for you, you sound like you are doing what you can to manage, and you are trying to get in contact with your pdoc.

I hope you are able to feel better soon. I hope your pdoc has a nice quick med adjustment for you that sets you right again.

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You should never be embarrassed to call your doctor. We tend to lose sight of this, but they work for us, at our discretion. Much as they might like to think so, they're not gods or magicians. If we don't like how they treat us, we can find someone else.

And changes in your status can come on very fast, and your pdoc need to know. The sooner you get treated the better off you'll be.

If it makes you feel better, I had episodes throughout my college career. I was on meds, so they weren't as bad as they could have been (I mean, i dropped out of school three times before I was on meds), but yes, episodes, and I graduated anyway. Took a little longer than I'd planned and some of the classes I took are pretty blurry memories, but you can succeed in school even if you're not 100% stable.

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Guest Vapourware

I hope you feel better soon. It's good you made the call to your pdoc. I think MI can be really frustrating. I guess what is important is the idea that you maintain symptoms and know how to deal with them, rather than expect symptoms -or lack thereof- will be completely gone. Try and focus on what went right, like how long you were stable and how you have plans to make your life better.

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I hope your pdoc has a good recommendation. There is no need to feel embarrassed to call a pdoc, that's what they deal with, every day. Mixed episodes are hell and I'm that person calling my pdoc's office at 8am until I can get an appointment now!

Good luck and I hope things start working in your favour soon.

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I'm so sorry I never posted here about talking to my pdoc. Yes, I talked to him on Tuesday. He feels that my significant anxiety turned into extreme anxiety, and that was the root of my issue. He also thought the fact that I'd been seeing shadows out of the corners of my eyes for about a month to be a sign of extreme anxiety.

He has me taking librium three times a day and my propranolol three times a day in order to combat the feelings I'm getting. Honestly, I don't know how well it's working. I'm somewhat less agitated and not as anxious during the day, but the nights after 7 are horrible for me, anxious and agitated. Last night, I felt so bad that I went to bed at 8:15. And I woke up at 2 am unable to go back to sleep. Even with trazadone, I'm only sleeping about 5-6 hours a night.

I told the pdoc that a lack of sleep wasn't a big trigger for me, but rather a sign that something was going on. Well, this past week, something is definitely going on. I think I'm going to call him today and ask for perhaps a PRN med like zyprexa to take for a short term to help stop this episode. The only thing is that the zyprexa is very expensive, and I don't have the money for it right now. But I can't keep living like this, anxious and agitated and going to sleep earlier than my kids and waking up wide awake when I should be sleeping and then zoned out a bit when taking the librium/propranolol.

Yeah, I'm still a mess.

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I'm glad you talked to your pdoc, and have a plan. Zyprexa can be taken PRN (or is it that all AAPs can, and I didn't know)? My covering pdoc actually suggested Zyprexa on the phone, I see her this afternoon.

I hope you can get some good sleep. I finally got some good sleep a couple of days ago, and even though it was a couple of days ago now, I still don't feel quite as wretched.

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