By Simba Cub
Perhaps it was more accurately described as Sleep Paralysis?
I was with my dad taking a LOT of medications, heavy ones. Like, a LOT. And I was so fogged up I was trapped and couldn't even speak coherently. I was trying to convey to him that I wanted to take less or even none at all, that I was pinned down mentally. It was like extreme dementia. It was terrifying.
And I couldn't do more than breath heavily, impossible it was to actually make a noise or move.
Anyone else ever come across sleep paralysis? Call it a sleeping hallucination.
This place has helped me so much. So, first, thank you all for being here.
I'm having trouble because I'm not sure if what I'm experiencing are loud thoughts or hallucinations. My psychiatrist calls them voices and has prescribed an anti psychotic, but I'm just not sure. Could you help?
Yesterday I was walking outside, saw a shallow pond and heard "You should kill yourself." This isn't a thought I have a lot, and felt inside my head but not necessarily my own thought, if that makes sense. But it wasn't a separate voice from my normal head voice, and was more annoying than anything else.
The more disturbing thing that happened yesterday was a strong feeling/visual that there was a crack at the top of my head and a nail should be hammered into it. Again, I knew it wasn't happening and wasn't afraid of doing that to myself (although I have been afraid of other visuals like this before).
Are either of these things hallucinations? Are they psychotic features? Or is it possible that I'm so paranoid that I'm going crazy that I'm amplifying my normal, albeit disturbing, thoughts.
Well one thing about me is sometime in September or October of last year, I was diagnosed with papillary thyroid cancer. For me, It's no big deal. Thyroid cancer is fairly easy to treat and not quite as bad as other cancers unless you have the rare type or are older. Everything has been gravy so far...
It all started out a year or two ago when I felt a lump in my neck. Of course I was curious and decided to look up reasons. Such reasons include goitre and nodule...simple stuff. Then I randomly came across stuff about thyroid cancer and my hypochondriac side kicked in. After a while, I started getting a strong feeling that I had it.
I knew I had it.
After finally getting my thyroid checked out and getting a biopsy done it, I was still positive even though the results were benign. The ENT that had done the biopsy said I needed to get surgery because of how big it was and that it would only get bigger and be more difficult to manage. He wasn't comfortable doing it so referred me to another doctor.
New Doctor was hesitant at first. I swear after waiting a month or more to see him then noticing that he seemed to think I shouldn't get surgery, I was livid. Then I mentioned a couple symptoms I forgot and he decided it was best to remove the enlarged half.
Imagine his surprise when it turned out cancerous lol. He told me when I went for my follow up a week later. I had to stifle a laugh because...I was right....I trusted my gut and was right. I was victorious! I can imagine how he felt knowing he almost sent my packing. Like I said, thyca is pretty easy to treat compared to other cancers but if you are older (say 60's and 70's) it is more difficult and exhausting. I would have said screw it and went god knows how long with that nasty crap inside me.
So yadda yadda...had the rest removed in another surgery. I had to get radioactive iodine (aka swallow a pill and stay in the hospital for like 3 days in isolation). Then I got a full body scan and...well I'm waiting on the results for that. I see my radiation oncologist next Monday so I assume he'll tell me then.
The only negative side for me so far is since I have no thyroid gland at all, my body can't produce the hormones that are needed to help you functional...normally. They help control weight gain/loss and energy. If your level is too low or high, it can make things hell....depression and anxiety...no energy at all to function...high/low blood pressure, diarrhea/constipation, can't sleep or sleep too much. These hormones also help most of your organs run properly as well. I take pills to replace them but sometimes it's hard getting the right dosage.
I am taking quite a bit right now...225mg I think since I am a fatty. If I forget to take them, I turn into a raging pregnant woman.
I have nothing else to say...It's just weird to go from never seeing doctors to needing to see one every few months. Especially my endocrinologist so we can see how my hormone levels are doing and if my dosage needs to be lowered or bumped up.
Just started watching a new TV series called The Black Box about a bipolar world-renowned female neurologist (referred to as the Marco Polo of the brain). She is non-compliant with her medications and other than her psychiatrist and her brother, no one knows she is bipolar, including her boyfriend of one year.
Thought I'd mention it in case anyone's interested. I'm curious to see what anyone else thinks of it.