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Christ! It's raining like Hell.


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I seem to have pissed-off

Mother Nature.

Every few years,

in some way,

SHE,

Either destroys my home

or disrupts my life.

Roughly half of the places I've lived in,

No longer exist.

Floods,Slides,

incredible storms,

Earthquakes and

the US government once.

What gets to me?

Rain.

heavy rain on my roof,

I won't sleep,

I'll pace the house,

round and round,

eat Ativan,

Fret,fight off

impulses to flee,

Last night,now today,

Fucking rain.

My wife lived through much the same

Disasters,

The difference?

Could be,

She always had lots of family,

tons of Uncles and cousins

and all that,

And close locally too.

I used to love rain,

good thing,being Northern Californian

all my life,

Oregon rain looks the same,just colder.

Bleh,maybe time for a snuggle,Stasis

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As I am writing this the sun has actually peeked out from behind the clouds. I am 90 miles north of Ducktown (Eugene) and it has been a deluge for two days. I am having a little fun watching NW cable news and the dickweeds driving through a foot of standing water at 60 MPH. There are fun things to do in the winter in the NW. Like planning a trip to ANYWHERE WARM!!!!!

Seriously, I have lived all over our country and the world and I always come back here. I think there is an understanding amoungst native NW citizens that we endure the cold, wet, endlessly dark months with the knowledge that in Spring all will be set right.

And if you think it is cold, wet, and dark here I spent ten years in SE Alaska. It is the most depressing place on the planet in the winter. Not even enough snow to make it interesting. Just dark, wet, dark, cold, dark, and dark.

Be safe

Bobby

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It's kind of strange.

Where I spent most of

My life,

was where the

warm,wet storms from Japan

meet the Cold Wet storms

From the Aleutians.

Bad weather,

Places I lived averaged

from 120"

to 60" a year.

I freaking out in

20-25"!!!

Getting older

and Crazier

At least up here,

it quits,

and breaks up,

before deluging again.

Cranky,how 'bout a mud fight

Stasis

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We really are crazy! I'm in Vancouver WA, so I totally understand the grumbles about the weather. It's not so much about the amount of rain.. It's the number of days that have rain in them. We get so many crappy gray wet days where it just drizzles all day. Doesn't accumulate much, but it sure it yucky. Why don't we move? What are we thinking staying here? Lol.. I don't know. I'm glad I'm not the only one though!

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Hey Breeze,

'96 was a good year for storms.

New years Eve morning,

we were getting an inch an hour.

But the best I saw was

the late Sixties,

we lived between Klamath and Crescent City,

high above the ocean on those steep slopes.

We saw funnel clouds,water spouts,huge lightning,

the surf breaking 1/2 mile from the beach.

the rain would just pile up on the ground.

Loved it.

But,I lost my home and

a way of life

that cannot

be replaced.

now hard rain,

makes me spin

inside.

I'm glad you enjoy it,though,I owe myself

a trip to the coast,been a long while since

I have been much North of Brookings.

Stasis

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Stasis:

OK. Then I understand why you would have "issues" with Mother Nature. I am sorry you lost your house. Not the same after something like that.

I'm glad you enjoy it,though,I owe myself

a trip to the coast,been a long while since

I have been much North of Brookings.

I LOVE Brookings. I would love to move there. I am in Cannon Beach. WAY north. But I have always loved Brookings and its solitude. Or I think it's still that way.......probably not.

If my husband were not so attached to this town, I would move. Not because of the weather - the tourists are what gets my anxiety going. Too many people in too small a space. And the Local Powers that Be (the ones with the money) want MORE tourists. Like....where are we going to put them?

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Hey Breeze,

  How you liking the wind today? I used to love a good storm by the ocean. I lived in Guam for two years. Went through 7 typhoons in eight months. Two super typhoons. Wicked. Direct eye passage twice. I actually miss those bad boys.

  My son was born during a typhoon. The drop in barometric pressure induced labor in his mom. Stayed in the hospital for 17 hours and watched the lights go out in Agana. In the morning the sun was out and so was my beautiful son, Ryder.

  Now he and I live in Vancouver, WA and we are watching the rain fall sideways. Makes me miss my tropical island and the warm sun that would rise tomorrow.

  Stasis, I'm up for a mud fight but no rocks or sticks, please. They sting. Nothing like a wet dirt clod in the back to remember my lost youth.  ;)

Love you all,

Bobby

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Bobby:

  You'll notice I didn't/couldn't post much yesterday. The power kept going in and out. Argh!

And Stasis:

Breeze,

I saw Cannon Beach

on the

Weather Channel.

This is a friend of mine who is a professional photographer. He captures all the storms, and rescues that happen here in town. So when I hear that, I know Dave has been busy.

One time I was in a hotel room in San Fransisco getting ready to come home. They had a "dramatic rescue" on CNN. It took place 500 yards from my house. I knew it before I saw it.

And Bobby - great story about the arrival of your son. I bet you miss the mornings after there in Guam. We are NOT having a warm sunny day here, although it did look good a moment ago.

But this is the Oregon coast.

Breeze

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  • 2 weeks later...

Every summer I think to myself that the winters aren't really that bad. 

And every November I relearn.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm in Seattle and the same is true.  The summer is so alluring and beautiful, and fall is magical, and then the first week of November it rains straight through.  And you forget about the rest of it because the next six months will be consumed by umbrellas, scarves, and mud puddles.

Weather sucks donkey dong.

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Waves from a Seattle kid

I moved to the Idaho panhandle

to avoid the soggy gloom

allergy to mildew was a real pain

the joke is on me

weather on the palouse is weird

Dry as hell and then wet and muddy

January brings the Chinook thaw

Raw, and rainy

I always hate it

So depressing

Sorry that You've gained the evil eye

of unkind Gods, Stasis

(and now I've snitched your posting style)

I've been at the mercy of earthquakes once too often

I understand

comiseration hug from The mad witch of Darby ;)

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Our weather on the east coast has been wierd -- it's 70F outside today! And this is not the usual weather for this time of year. I want to go out and play, but I have way too much work to do.  We've had an unusually warm fall, a week or two in October that seemed like real fall.

It's hot and sticky humid here in the summer, especially August. So I spend the whole time saying to myself, "but it doesn't snow! it doesn't snow feet of snow! it doesn't snow from November through April!" Sometimes, it's enough.

Fiona

(despite the temperature, I seem to have your dark gloom outside today

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Now look towards the southwest. See that bright, glowing orb up in the sky? I have heard from a mostly reliable source that the Fireball-In-The-Sky is actually the Sun! Good gosh, how I do love living here.

Panz-

  You mentioned earthquakes and I couldn't agree more. I hate those things. On August 8, 1993 I got to experience and 8.2 quake on the island of Guam. Seemed like it went on forever. And it was the feeling of utter helplessness during the quake that triggered my PTSD. I made a deal with my God that if He didn't make me go through and earthquake again I would stop driving on the sidewalks. Worked so far.

Peace

Bobby

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Having lived not far

From Cape Mendocino,

where the

San Andreas fault,

lays out to sea.

and

Close to the

Cascadia Subduction Zone.

Earthquakes,were a life feature.

'92

3 6.9-7.0s

Lots of fun that time.

My wife and 3 yearold son

were in the

Scotia grocery store

I couldn't run,the ground

you know.

when I found them,

knee-deep in stuff.

I grabbed kid and

split.

Dear Spouse,

still brings this up.

Hey,she could walk.

Later most of the

town burned.

I still find entertainment

in earthquakes.

I hear,the Cascadia will destroy

Portland,Seattle and everything else.

anytime,too.

Is it gonna rain?

Stasis

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I hear,the Cascadia will destroy

Portland,Seattle and everything else.

anytime,too.

Yeah yeah. Every 300 years, and it's been like 299. I have heard this too. bye-bye me.

We have tsunami warnings. They are rather frightening since they moved the speaker that was by our house and we didn't hear the last one. The earthquake in Eureka last spring. I was a mess by the time we got out of here. They actually announced over the loud speaker (once I zeroed in on it, after a phone call from the neighbor who's house we were supposed to be at) "we are expecting a wave of devastating proportions" HOLY SHIT! They had never said that before. I moved swiftly and without panic ( and I have a panic disorder) in order to get the kitty and the husband into the car. All we took were: a huge flashlight, a quilt, our clothes ( we were in our jammies at the time) and our meds. When we were safely at the top of

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It's raining

it's pouring,

the ativan

had me

Snoring(loud,too)

it's

also cold as

Hell(for us coastal guys)

And I'm

comfortably Numb.

And finally can see,

those beautiful mountains

(when it's clear)

They have

Snow.

I always just saw trees

back home.

no Mts Hood,Jefferson,Adams

or St H

No PTSD today

Stasis

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back home.

no Mts Hood,Jefferson,Adams

or St H

And those are great mountains don't ya thnk? When they are out? I heard the funniest thing on CNN the other night.

" This is breaking news! Mt. St. Helen's is blowing a plume of ash so high, they can even see it in Portland Oregon!" ;)

It was one of those crystal clear days last week, when Stasis must have been out and about.

Stasis: It goes away. It does stop. And look at all the beauty it brings us. I know you have trauma that goes with rain. But if you could re-learn that - that was rare. It doesn't happen every time it rains.

but i don't feel I know you well enough to comment on your loss. So I'll leave it there.

Wish you could heal from this.

Breeze

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Breeze,

It Was,

very clear,

I got out before

the haze settled in,

on Hiway 22,

there is a place,

I can see,

All those mountains.

I hear about

a peak,hard climb,

you can see,

Shasta to Rainer,

20 years ago,

I'd a run up it.

I need a trip to some woods,

a little rain pattering,

build a fire,

smell and listen,

get cold and wet,

take a hot shower.

snooze.

Hey,the last two,

available now!

Stasis

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Stasis:

a peak,hard climb,

you can see,

Shasta to Rainer,

20 years ago,

I'd a run up it.

My dad died at the age of 64, training to cllimb Mt. Shasta. He loved mountain climbing and climbed them all - excpet that one.

My step mom trained and a year or so later , climbed to the top and sprinkled his ashes from the very top. It is so cool to him dad flying away in the wind.

Yeah - you need that cabin in the woods. The slience and hopefully the trees all around you would make you feel safe. Hopefully.

Breeze

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It has been raining COLD rain. I feel like I have got a chill in my bones and it won't go away. I really can't get warm. Never felt like this before. Strange.

I just turned 44 last Monday and it hit me like a shovel to the face. This last year I have lost nearly everything I cared for. This effing rain makes me want to smoke my gun. I gotta go where it is warm before I hurt myself.

Christ, this sucks.

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It has been raining COLD rain. I feel like I have got a chill in my bones and it won't go away. I really can't get warm. Never felt like this before. Strange.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I know this feeling all too well. I hate it. My bones ache, I always have the chills. Sometimes a warm bath helps, but not a good solution for me when taking APs because my body temperature reguilation gets screwy and I get dizzy from the hot water.

badbert,

I hope you are feeling better today.

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bobby:

It has been raining COLD rain. I feel like I have got a chill in my bones and it won't go away.

Sweats, and one of those cheap down comforters from Costco, good book or movie, hot coco, you'll be fine.

At least that's what I do.

Breeze ( and it's chilly down here too!)

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Ericka, Breeze,all,

  I am really in a bad place and really don't know what started it. I can't stay with my thoughts very long, lately. So I can't pin down whatever it is that is freaking me out. I saw my tdoc today and about 15 minutes into our session I suddenly had to trade seats with him so I could watch the door. I expected to have the door kicked in at any moment and was in 'battle mode', ready to rip the throat out of whoever came in. Scared good ol' Dr. Zahm out his mind.

  It has something to do with the crappy weather, something I went through is doing it's best to come aout and be noticed. I have this overwhelming urge to fly to St. Somewhere and go into hiding for a while. Once again I think the USN SEAL training has me knotted in the FUBAR net.

  I had my mom come over and take my keys to the gun safe, keep them hidden until I get my act together.

  At this very moment I am drenched in COLD sweat and can feel SOMETHING welling up inside me, trying to get out, be acknowledged, be dealt with. For the longest time I have HATED this time of year. I would like to be a bear and hibernate through the winter.

  Sorry this is so long. I am really scared right now and NOTHING ever scares me. Lord, help me, I'm scared.

Peace to us all,

Bobby

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Bobby:

  Yep. PTSD, but then you know that. Do you have a p-doc? can you get a benzo for this time? It certainly sounds like you could benefit from some.

  I am starting EMDR for the 4th time. Down in Springerville, under my thread "MY Mythical Anxiety disorder" you will see my running diary of my weekly sessions. Yesterday was Day one. I am describing the process for others to follow along. I believe that strongly in EMDR.  We are doing, with me, exactly what you are describing. We are getting to the "demon within" that is causing my PTSD. We have a specific target - which really helps. I say this because this therapy could really help you with the right therapist. How about driving to the beach once a week? Her office over looks the ocean, it is so peaceful and wonderful when you arrive......let me know in a pm if you are interested. I'll hook you up for a consult.

  In any event, you need to 1) get some meds for this interim period. 2) consider a therapy such as EMDR to help you to get this out. EMDR is so safe, and my t-doc is so good at it, that it would be worth the drive.

  Hang in there Bob. Going to St. Sunshine, will only put this off. Your "stuff" goes with you.

Breeze

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I am really in a bad place and really don't know what started it. I can't stay with my thoughts very long, lately. So I can't pin down whatever it is that is freaking me out. I saw my tdoc today and about 15 minutes into our session I suddenly had to trade seats with him so I could watch the door. I expected to have the door kicked in at any moment and was in 'battle mode', ready to rip the throat out of whoever came in. Scared good ol' Dr. Zahm out his mind.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Bobby,

So often people who suffer from PTSD get in a bad place without knowing which road got them there and don't even remember getting in the car in the first place. We all have different triggers to stimuli in our environment, and when we encouter a trigger, consiously or unconsciously, then BAM - we are instantly in fight or flight mode. When our bodies enter the fight or flight mode it is hard to think about or concentrate on anything because our bodies are running in auto-pilot and our survival is all that matters. It is a defense mechanism, it helps to keep us safe, but at the same time it keeps us from recognizing triggers and the memories we have buried, the very memories we have to bring to the surface in order to get out of the dark spaces. 

It has something to do with the crappy weather, something I went through is doing it's best to come aout and be noticed. I have this overwhelming urge to fly to St. Somewhere and go into hiding for a while. Once again I think the USN SEAL training has me knotted in the FUBAR net.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I better understand what you were saying about the weather now. Sorry, if I seemed to offer a simple solution to a complex problem. As you know, the crappy weather seems to be a trigger and whatever is trying to come out is most likely an event that occured under similar shitty weather. I find it intersting that you mention the SEAL training because survival skills under extreme duress were, I assume, part of the training. 

The urge to flee is normal. Unfortunately, the only way to get out of a really bad place is to confront the fear head on. One reason why dealing with and treating PTSD is so painful is because in order to gain control of the memories of traumatic events, you have to talk about them. It seems backakwards but the more you talk about a traumatic experience the power it has over you decreases.

I had my mom come over and take my keys to the gun safe, keep them hidden until I get my act together.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Good, good, good! I am so glad to hear that you have taken measures to ensure your safety and that your mother is there for you. 

At this very moment I am drenched in COLD sweat and can feel SOMETHING welling up inside me, trying to get out, be acknowledged, be dealt with. For the longest time I have HATED this time of year. I would like to be a bear and hibernate through the winter.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

As scary as it is, the overwhelming feeling of something trying to get out may be an idication that your psyche is now strong enough to deal with whatever that something is. This time of year is difficult for many of us for many different reasons. You say that you HAVE hated this time of year, past tense, rather than saying you still hate this time of year. I hope that whatever demons you are battling will loosen their grip this winter and that next winter will be even better.

As you know, hibernating is the same as reaction of wanting to flee. Hibernating might bring temporary relief, the same as continually trying to avoid whatever is overwhelming you at present, beause Spring will come, you will come out of your cave only to return against next year. If I can further the bear and hibernation metaphor, let me add that bears are powerful mammals, they can use their strength to protect themselves and their cubs, yet the are also peaceful mammal who are happy to forage for berries and nuts. Perhaps, you can summon up some "bear strength" in order to fight for yourself, use the courage to make the enviroment safe for yourself.

But you need a safe place to confront your feelings right now. Your current situation and overwhelimg fear, and the triggers in your current environment - like the weather - a nice warm den seems an ideal place to hide. Is it possible for you to talk to your doc and to schedule some extra sessions right now to get you through this difficult season? Create a safe, warm den within your doc's office, a place where you feel safe to explore that SOMETHING that is tring to get out.

Sorry this is so long. I am really scared right now and NOTHING ever scares me. Lord, help me, I'm scared.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Please don't ever apologize for the length of a post when you need support and are struggling to try to make it trough times like this. We are all here to offer comfort, for whatever good that comfort may offer.

Please keep us updated with how you are doing. We are always here to listen. We do care.

Erika

PS. I will check back later. I apologize but I am running late for an appointment.

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The training I received in the navy was designed to allow me to complete the mission despite whatever stressors were present. Call it compartmentalization, if you will. You would recognize the situation without actually dealing with it. Use your fear to strengthen your resolve. Never give up sight of the objective, even if you are neck deep in horror.

Unfortunately, there is no way to stop the memories from becoming reality years later. I mean there was no decompression, no way to safely work through the terror that has been supressed. At least, none was offered when I left the service.

I have said before I am visited by the ghosts of my previous life (post SEAL life). Not real ghosts in a metaphysical sense, but undeniably real to my psyche. I believe that what I am experiencing today is trying to come to grips with a sense of GUILT I carry. Guilt because of my causing death and to defeating death, temporary as such victories are. My pdoc and my tdoc both agree with me on this point.

One thing I have come to terms with is the fact that I could be trained to kill by order. And not question the order, just do it. I am a truely kind, caring, empathetical person. I cry every time I see a dead bird, fror God's sake. I feel everyones' pain deeply and personally and would do anything to relieve the hurt. So the juxtaposition of the two extemely different Bobbys is striking to me. And to my long-time freinds and my family. When my mom asked me what I did in the Navy she shook her head and said "No way, not you."

I have mentioned EMDR to my docs and they are looking into finding someone locally for me. My tdoc in particular thinks it would really help me in a very safe way. And I got a script for Xanax XL today and I will see if that takes the edge off.

Writing about this is helping. It is getting my mind and my thoughts in order. I can see the duality of my life and I can accept it as being part of my wholeness. I know I can't run from this and hibernating is just an escape (temporary). Still not sure why winter kicks my butt but I am going to figure that out also.

Thanks for the caring feelings I get from everyone, I need them.

Peace

Bobby

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Bobby:

  This is good. And you are right, starting to write about it really helps. I really hope you get a good t-doc for the EMDR. Ask questions, and if you want, ask ME questions about it. It really is the safest way through this, because you are an observer, not a participant. Real important difference.

  Hope the xanax helps too. I know when my PTSD kicks in, I really need the extra help, if only for awhile.

  take care, and keep writing.

Breeze

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  • 1 month later...

I am back from the crumbling edge. Took a long look at the bottom and jumped. But dammit, I had tied a rope to my ankle for just such an occasion. Pulled myself up and won't do THAT again.

I made it though the "Season" with all my shit in one sock. Tried EMDR. That is some COOL stuff. I had no idea of the depths my mind could bury traumatic events. Not just one but dozens. And reliving the events objectively and from a safe, almost detatched viewpoint was life altering. I am beginning to understand why I have felt I was two distinctly different personalities.

The memories I have compartmentalized weren't of just the actions I hade performed in the military. I had actually hidden MYSELF, my true self, as not to be a witness to things I would normally consider horrible and beyond description. The thing I had felt coming at me was recognition by my true self of the deeds of my 'other self'. And I wasn't ready to face the truth alone.

I have my Mom, my sister, and my docs to thank for recognizing the trouble I was in. I couldn't even talk about it, I was so scared. I am feeling so centered at the moment. I know I, we, have much work to do to be completely health. But I fell I recognize the man in the mirror, and really do like him. So much easier to get up in the morning when you know you are worthy of the gifts God has given and are not dissapointed you didn't die in the night, screaming with the ghosts.

I have missed you all! I LOVE the rain! I know the sun(Son) will rise and bathe us all in warmth. In due time. THe spring WILL come! I wish you all to find peace and I am sending out psychic hugs to everyone.

Love,

Bobby, the Real One

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badbert, Bobby,

Congratulations. I am so glad you feel better. Keep it up.

I just wanted you to know that by posting your problem, you helped something click in my head. Hubby's been having rage issues since leaving the military and has tried AD's before. Hasn't helped. It never occured to me to try EMDR. I will definitely recommend it for him. I'm glad it's helped you.

Croix

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. Tried EMDR. That is some COOL stuff.

RIGHT ON BOB!!!! I am so stoked that you 1) tried this and 2) found someone who does it well.

I just did it again for some PTSD issues and they are *poof* gone. EMDR is amazing and you describe it so well. I am very happy for you.

I am about to try this again from another angle for a different issue. It is the fastest best therapy when you are ready and have the right t-doc.

Congrats!

Breeze

and, uh, it looks like blue skies here today for a change. ;)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Croix,

The rage issue is one I can really identify with. The military can really mess up your head - dosen't matter which service you served in. I pray you and yours can find some peace. Tell your hub I'm pulling for him, he dosen't have to live with the shit.

Erika, Breeze,

 

Thanks for the kindness. I never was afraid to try new things, treatments, therapies. I was just afraid to leave the house.  ;)   I can't say enough about EMDR, I didn't judge my actions or the actions of others. I just saw them for what they were and dealt with them on an unemotional, intellectual plane.

  Oh,yeah. I stopped trying to eat myself into a grave. I have lost 37 pounds and my clothes fit now.    :)

Stsis,

It sure is good to be back and reading your posts. You are right about hell, it is different for everyone. And it pours, man it pours.

Love,

Bobby

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