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Teddy

I'm so fucking tired of doing this

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I'm so fucking tired of being depressed and anxious. I've told my pdoc about the suicidal ideation I'm having right now plus all the anxiety. I wrote a list of all the things I'm anxious about and it makes it sound like I have GAD and OCD at the same time. She said it's just the depression that it's probably just chemical.

But I'm not complaining about my pdoc, she's doing what she can. I'm complaining about this never-ending fucking abyss I'm in. I'm just so deeply, deeply depressed but it's not just that. It's the anxiety, too. I'm anxious about Owen, my six year old son with autism. He sucks the life out of me. He needs so much attention and concentration and vigilance and I don't have any. I just want to curl up in a ball and die. I should be sleeping every chance I get--I should've gone to sleep the minute the kids went to sleep but I'm staying up late because it's the only time of the day my stomach isn't heavy with dread.

I love my son but he's so fucking hard and it's already so fucking hard. I have bipolar disorder in the same way other people have antibiotic-resistant MRSA. Not all bacterial infections are the same. I don't usually come on here and post about how horrible and shitty it is. But I'm just so fucking tired. I cry all the time. I feel so alone. I feel like I can't even love my family because I'm too fucking tired to love them. I feel like I'm never going to recover.

My pdoc prescribed effexor today. She wants to try to lift me out of this depression and doesn't think we can do it with mood-stabilizers alone. Originally she'd intended to add lamictal if the depakote didn't help.

Ah, fuck, I'm just posting because I needed a goddamn shoulder to cry on, even if it's just an online one with people who's faces I never even see and who's real names I never even know.

I've been trying to be upbeat in my posts, however few I've made, but I am just in a big fucking hole. I need people who've been in these holes to remind me that we climb out again. That we do manage to climb out again because it feels like this hole has been eating me alive for a year now. It has to end sometime. I'm terrified of not getting better, of giving in to the temptation of suicide and then my poor, poor kids. Don't worry, it's not an issue right now. I'm not planning on how to kill myself. Just fantasizing about it the way I imagine arsonists fantasize about setting fire to empty buildings. That's a perfect metaphor--I'm just an empty building.

Today the "behavior specialist" at Owen's school called me. She just wanted me to know what was going on with Owen. He's reached that point in school where he's overwhelmed so he's doing the waiting game--how bad can I act before they kick me out? That's what all the preschools did and, quite frankly, there have been times I've emotionally abandoned him when he acted out. Being autistic isn't license for being a rude asshole (I'm paraphrasing Temple Grandin here). But I feel like I've been tired forever, that I've never stuck with consequences and stuff. And he is so much better than he was before, this is a hard adjustment for him but I just don't have the compassion in me. So I cried on the phone with this stranger for 45 minutes. I feel like I'm withholding info by not telling them, "Well, part of the problems he has with behavior is the fact he has a crazy fucking bipolar mother so that, compounded with the autism, really, it's a fucking miracle we're all as intact as we are."

Somebody told me it was heroic what I do, getting up over and over again, trying over and over again, considering I have bipolar disorder and am raising an autistic son. What happens if I can't get up anymore? And then I have the other one, the other kid, the NT one who gets neglected even though she always behaves and almost never complains and never fights. Such a good, good kid, so easy to like and the autistic one is so easy NOT to like and I KNOW I'm a good mother but FUCK...I need this shit to stop. I can't keep being this depressed.

God help me, I hope the Effexor works. I don't even know what I'm fucking complaining about anymore--being depressed and anxious, I guess. Just so full of dread and anxiety and sadness. Like my insides have been scooped out yet I feel so much, how is that even possible?

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It will get better. You will come out of that pit. It may take some time, but the beauty of our illness is that is IT cyclical. Eventually, every mood episode ends. The Effexor may be the med that pulls you out of it, or you may need to try a different one, but eventually you will find a med that helps you get out of this shit hole you're stuck in.

I am so, so sorry that you are feeling so horribly. I know the guilt that comes from being a mom with BP-- two of my kids have mild autism, and sometimes I feel so disconnected from them I do feel awful. But shit, this life is hard, and they make it harder sometimes. It's reasonable to feel some resentment. I feel resentment towards my other two kids sometimes, too, when they're being assholes. I think every mother feels this way sometimes. So try to give yourself a break and hold on. It will get better.

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Being a mom is hard. Being a BP mom is harder. Being a BP mom with kids that have special needs of their own is damn near impossible. But you do it and it sounds like you do a good job at it.

Im sorry that you are drowning in the swimming pool filled with shit. It is only temporary and it is going to get better. There is an end in sight.

I know that feeling of being scooped out. But you are not empty. YOU are in there.

Not sure if this helps at all but i feel your pain and i am sorry your struggling.

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This isn't going to last forever and I know that because I know that you are someone who will keep doing the positive stuff even when it is hard. Those people never get left behind. I'm not going to witter about how heroic you are because I know that means jackshit when you look at your life and wonder why you drew the hero card when everyone else is coasting. I get that.

Be careful what standards you measure yourself by sweetie, if you are doing the best you can for the people you love, that is *enough*, no matter what anyone else does or what you imagine in your head you should do. What this depression is sucking you of chiefly is compassion for yourself and when that runs dry, things feel so much worse. You are such a warm, kind and protective person, I know there may not be much left of that for yourself when the day is done, but you are very worthy of all that, as much as the kids and hub is.

I hope the effexor works swiftly and pdoc is right. Does hub know how bad things really are so he can advocate with you if they don't improve?

If you ever need to vent, you know where I am. I know that your kids are going to grow up full of praises for the tough job you did and this will be worth it, even though it may always be remembered as a shitty time.You are a mother who inspires me.

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I'm not bipolar, but I can tell you that with the right meds, you will climb out of the hole. I spent my entire life from the age of 12 on in the hole. But now I am mostly out. For me it was Abilify that made all the difference in the world. For you it may be Effexor. But if it happened for me, it can happen for you. Just don't give up hope.

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I am feeling mostly alive today. Thank you for all your kind replies. It was the first thing I did this morning, cracking open my laptop and checking the replies because I knew there would be words of encouragement.

I wish I could blame everything on Owen but the truth is being BP is largely the problem here. I worry excessively when I'm depressed, which compounds the problem. Can you believe I never noticed the anxiety before? This disease makes sure you never stop learning. I guess I thought it was "reasonable" until I wrote down the list of worries for my pdoc and realized how ridiculous they were.

I already took my Effexor today. I'm hoping it's quick acting too. I took it a long time ago when I was first diagnosed with BP. As I recall, it worked well. In fact I think I took it with depakote.

In a week I have to go get my depakote level drawn and we'll see if that needs to be raised any.

I honestly don't know how I wake up each morning. I guess because of the why...I wake up for them. Even though I am so used up.

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My pdoc gave me effexor and that worked for about two days then a week later, she upped it to 150mg and that worked for about two days but here we are another week later and I am just in the abyss all over again. Today I laid in bed all day while my kids were in school. I pop a couple klonipin after i drop them off so i can sleep because when i sleep, I don't feel anything. I can barely watch my kids. I can't stand my son, who's autistic and (we think) ADHD...he's a nightmare lack of impulse control and every day he gets in trouble at school even though they AND US are bending over backwards to help him. I have no interest in anything, not eating, not TV, not reading. I haven't even posted on here in several days because I don't have the motivation. I have nothing.

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Klonopin invariably makes me depressed. Though sleep is a blessed relief and it can be hard to force yourself to stay awake, taking the Klonopin and sleeping probably won't help you feel better. It could be exacerbating the depression you already have.

If the Effexor is helping for two day stretches, maybe an increase will get you to the point of relief. When do you see your pdoc again?

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I never thought about the klonipin making me depressed. I was just trying to get through each day without feeling anything. She said I could take it prn although it's diagnosed to be taken at night. And I've been trying before this week to not give in to the depression but this week I've just been laying in bed.

I don't see my pdoc until the 15th of October but I left a message about an hour ago so she'd get it first thing in the morning and asked her if she'd gotten my latest bloodwork on my Depakote level and that if it was where she wanted it to be, could we raise the Effexor and I told her I was just really really depressed.

I also have an appointment on Monday with Owen. His pdoc is the same as mine and both she and our tdoc thought he was ADHD this past spring but we tried the stimulant meds (Adderall, Ritalin) and it made the problem worse so I just said no more meds. But now that he's in school, he's just so out of control and of course I can't handle it. Being autistic doesn't help but that lack of impulse control that comes with ADHD, well...let's just say I'm ready to try meds again. The school is great, doing everything they can. I was helping him with his homework every afternoon, just making him do it, pushing (gently) but the last two days I just gave up, on me, on him.

Guess I better stop taking the klonipin in the morning, even if it does help me sleep. And yeah, I know laying in bed doesn't help. It's just that I've been doing so good battling this depression, for months now. And this week it was like I just gave up. You're right, I need to do something, even if t's just having a comforting cup of coffee and watching TV or doing an easy crossword puzzle. But you know how when they talk about one of the symptoms of depression being a lack of interest in previously joyful things? I have a lack of interest in EVERYTHING. I'm surprised I'm on here. I just kinda made myself do it, get on crazyboards. I've got to talk to someone; I've been blowing off all my friends and they're not quite sure what to do so they don't push. I've been blowing off my aunt who has been trying to get me into quilting and we started last week and I was really proud but this week I just gave up.

Okay, so now that I gave myself a week to be a quitter, i guess it's time to get up again, even though I have no fumes left.

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I am in my own funk right now but I will try to be somewhat useful. My son, who is 13, has Aspergers and ADHD with a side of bipolar. It is damned hard. It will get better, over time, with the extra help and his growing up. I do believe it is a miracle we all are turning out okay with his and my issues, plus my daughter had health issues all while I was untreated.

I get that it is SO draining, day in and day out. Every little thing that should be easy, like getting dressed or brushing his teeth was hell when he was little. Something was always not right, or he didn't feel like doing it. Or he would bite someone at school because they didn't like his book in 3rd grade. He is still that way sometimes, like he will decide in his head that he is going to wear a certain shirt and it's dirty or lost so let's throw a tantrum.

He takes Lamictal now along with ADHD meds, intuniv er to be specific (non-stim, stimulants made him batshit crazy) and is doing so great. You would never know he used to curl up under his chair and suck his fingers in 1st grade, overwhelmed.

I really hope the Effexor helps you, it is so hard dealing with all that plus dealing with your own stuff. I'm sorry you are stuck in the pit of depression. Do you have someone you can talk to about your sons special needs? It helped me to vent about it but not many people actually wanted to talk with me about it, I guess it made them uncomfortable. Sigh.

Edited by wj74

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wj74, we can vent to each other about our sons. :)

And, yes, the stimulant meds made him crazy. He kept telling me, "I hate this medication; it's messing with the computer in my brain!" He would describe the whole process of how the medicine went down into his stomach and then up to his heart and made his heart beat too fast and then went up into his brain and messed with the computer.

We're definitely going to try non-stimulants this time. I was thinking clonidin. I don't know how old your son is, but mine's only six so there's a limited supply of meds that are approved for his age. I think Strattera is one of them but (to be honest) clonidin is generic and we try to get generic whenever possible because we are poor.

I hate to admit it but I feel like I have to tell someone but sometimes I just resent him SO MUCH. I did everything for him, always advocated for him, even when nobody listened to me. I've been doing so good; haven't lost my temper in a month and then the last two days...today he called me a fucking bitch. I remember when he was three and he pulled a knife on me. That's why they thought he was bipolar but I don't think he is (at least not yet) I think the autism just makes his brain and body crazy and then you add that lack of impulse control caused by ADHD and he's just a walking nutcase. I feel sometimes like I gave birth to a chimpanzee with above-average human intelligence but without any of the innate social behaviors that come with actually being human. I love him so much; I hate myself when I lose it with him. After he called me a fucking bitch, I told him he was a horrible little shit. What a grown up I am, huh?

Rule #1 of having a kid with autism (or any other disability where they are prone to outbursts, tantrums, meltdowns, whatever) DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. But I did so much for this kid, neglected myself, my husband, my daughter, my dog. We were hermits for so long because I couldn't take him anywhere. Everyone (family) including husband told me, "He's fine; he'll grow out of it," and then here he is calling me a fucking bitch and saying, "Well, at least I like Daddy." I screamed at him and then went to my bedroom and just howled into the pillow, just this deep primal screaming/crying.

There's a topic on here somewhere called, "What were our parents thinking?" I haven't dared to read it because I think one of these days they're going to get older and they're going to remember everything I did that hurt them or confused them and they're never going to know all the times I was there for them, how hard I fought for them, how hard I fought MYSELF for them. We were encouraged to give him up for adoption to Ryan's sister and brother in law in 2009 when he was three. I had been hospitalized twice that year. But I told my husband no, absolutely not, that's what happened to me. My birth mother gave me up when I was four and I was a GOOD kid, so easy according to what everyone tells me. She told me recently, "I just didn't really want to be a mother," and told me even more recently, "I'm just not cut out to be a grandmother." I just want to smack her sometimes with her rich husband and her garden and painting and music playing and crocheting and all the time she has to "find herself" while I do the job with a special needs child she gave up on. It makes me feel like, well, it used to make me feel fundamentally unlovable but I realize now that I'm stronger than she'll ever be. And I got lucky; I was adopted within the family, by my grandfather so I was raised in a totally stable environment until I hit 13 and the bipolar struck. We didn't know what it was until I was 19, though.

I'm babbling now. I already took my bedtime meds. With this depression and all, I need lots of sleep--at night anyway. I get up at 5:45. Kinda miss those insomnia days sometimes where I woke up raring to go, lol.

I promised my husband I wouldn't feel sorry for myself anymore, that I would try tomorrow, even if it was just to sit and watch TV. That I would do something other than lay in bed.

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Are you involved in therapy? I really think that you need a professional ear to listen to your issues and offer you solutions you (and us) may not have thought of.

Like wj74 said, it's f-ing hard to have a little one with special needs, especially when those needs cross into behavioral issues. You really get no break, not even when they are at school, because you're trying to catch up on all the stuff you can't do when you are busy every minute he's home.

Add crushing depression to that, and it's easy to see why you just want everything to fade away. I've been there and tried to medicate my way out of it, and it's never worked. In fact, it's just made things worse. Others have pointed out that benzos can worsen depression, and in certain cases that is definitely true.

I hope you can talk to your pdoc tomorrow.

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Yeah, I think clonidine is in the same family as intuniv but I may be wrong so don't quote me. Fwiw, we tried Strattera and he had terrible tantrums on that too. He was suicidal on Concerta. But like I said, he's showing signs of bipolar so I guess those meds are gonna make him batshit. And every kid is different. He is 13, by the way, but has been on one med or another since he was 7. The concerta nightmare was this year :(

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Gizmo, I am in therapy. I am in everything!

I just gave up this week and didn't realize it until I posted here. And that's not like me, right? To just give up?

So I'm not expecting miracles today but hopefully my pdoc will call and I can bump up the effexor and my husband said even if I just watch TV, he thinks that's better than laying in bed. Which is true.

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That is true. Every little step up counts. I haven't managed to use my 2.5 hrs before work in the am beyond laying in bed this week. Frustrating because I know it can be better.

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I guess I felt I deserved a week of feeling sorry. This depression has been going on (in various forms from mixed states to this more classic depression that started in July) for a year now. A YEAR. Shouldn't I get a reward for not killing myself or something? I'm kidding. I don't want a reward for being, like, the most depressed person ever. I want what all of us want--to just not be depressed. To have energy and interest and joy. To taste food.

At least when my kids hug me, I feel something. At least when I snuggle with my dog, I feel something.

Fuck, I'm still just feeling sorry for myself. My pdoc hasn't called. I'm calling her again.

Edited to add: Well, I just talked to the secretary and she said my pdoc was with a patient and was this in reference to my earlier voicemail and I said yes and she said, "Okay, hon, I'll let her know again."

So, hopefully, she'll help me out here.

Edited by Teddy

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My pdoc's secretary called back. She said she won't raise the Effexor; it's too soon but that my Depakote level was 81 and she wanted me to go up another 500mg. I'm gonna need a bigger pill caddy. And I get to change my signature again!

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Well I am not a parent, I have a learning disorder and I well it was hard for my mom to fight for me she taught me to fight for myself. I'm in a hardcore graduate program and looking to a PhD or other Doctoral level degree. You are working hard to fight for your son till he can learn to fight for himself, your teaching him how to. Its an uphill battle but the view from the top is worth it.

I also worked at a program called Respite where kids with severe emotional disturbances, where we took them out for a few hours to arcades, bowling, dinner parks and the like. It gave the kids some time with other kids who where sort of like them and gave the caregivers a seriously needed break. Maybe your county department of social services(or your locals name) or agency's would be able to hook you up with this kind of service.

Best wishes!

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I iknow I am late to this thread, but I have had similiar feelings. My youngest has learning disabilities and ADHD, and there have been times when I just wanted to run away! Like I was fucking DONE! I have ended up in tears trying to help him with homework. I have to attend IEP meeting and advocate for him, even in the middle of a bone crushing depression or mean, dysphoric mania. I cannot imagine if he also had autism, it would be so much difficult. I admire your strength! I just had to let you know that you are doing a great job in a very stressful situation.

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thanks, scatty. We started him on intuniv yesterday but me (like an idiot) gave it to him this morning instead of giving it to him at night, which is what the pdoc said because I, in my infinite parental wisdom, thought, "NOTHING can make this child tired." so of course he had a terrible day because he was so tired. so we gave it to him at night tonight. My husband was, like, "Can we give him two doses in one day," and I said, yes, it will be fine. He needs to get on a regular schedule of taking it at the same time.

I just did something weird to this tiny little netbook I'm typing on and now I can barely read the type. and why won't the damn shift work to capitalize stuff!

I'm having a bit of a crazy day. I had some hypomania today. Oops on the Effexor.

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