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Well I finally went an OD'd


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Oh honey.  Of course they gave you more meds.  You insisted you weren't trying to do yourself in, so they assumed you needed more.

Why don't you come clean with the pdoc?  He can't treat you for things he doesn't know about.  You're going to stay on meds that don't work if you aren't honest about what the hell's going on.  He can't treat moods you don't tell him about.  Remember, he's not psychic.

Yes, trying to off yourself isn't recommended.  And you may indeed need disability.  But your life isn't over if you get yourself treated properly and get on the right meds.  You can feel better.  It can work.  But only you can make it work by working hard with the pdoc and taking meds as prescribed.  Demand more than just survival--demand a life.  You're entitled to it.

Do you have a tdoc?  This is probably the right time to really get some help on how to cope with your BP and how to get better.

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Crsh, I'm glad you are here with us posting

and you are not a fuck up, you are hurting and trying to find a way to heal.

Nars is right. You need to be as honest, if not more so, with your pdoc as you are with us.

Just from my own experience, sometimes you just have to surrender and take things one at a time, with help from others.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Peace

spike

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Hey Crsh...

I really wish you wouldve stayed in the hospital. I know thats what really did it for me. I cant even say what was going on with my life, or what all was going through my mind, everything was so messed up in my world at that time, but the support and 24 hour observation and all the stuff I was able to just release was enough to get me on a program, and get me started on new meds...not mention give me break from the world....

I felt alot better afterwards...like weights had been lifted off, helped my epilepsy alot too...

Youre not a fuck up...you just need to get a handle on this whole BP thing...I know you can do it...Lisa

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Hi Crsh, I agree with everyone here.  I'm sorry things got so out of control.  You really need to "'fess up" for lack of a better phrase.  And don't be ashamed or feel like a failure for not offing yourself.  Contrary to what you may be thinking that is actually a very good thing.  At least I think it is and I'm sure everyone around here will say so as well.

Hospitalizations can be lifesaving when you are in crisis and I'm worrying that you still are my friend.  Okay, so you've managed to extricate yourself from a suicidal episode this time--at least I hope you have...are you still suicidal? If so, tell your pdoc and get back to the ER.  If not, if it happens again, please seriously reconsider checking yourself in. 

Now about the job stuff.  All is not lost.  I made my first suicide attempt (aka Zoloft induced mixed state hell) several years ago and was brought to the hospital for my first psych. stay ever.  At first it was terrifying but by the end of the two weeks I realized it was the best thing I could have done.  However, I also tried to go back to work too soon after and then about 6 weeks later I did my first cutting.  It was bad.  I then took about a 7 month leave of absence but it was too late.  The damage was done.  The ignorant, intolerant asssholes had me marked and decided to fire me.  They did it under the guise of some other excuse but I knew the real reason.

I was out of work for months, living on credit cards, very little social assistance...I got to the point where I couldn't pay my rent...was I going to be homeless? Who would take me in?

Luckily, opportunities arose just in time.  I was reuinited with a friend from the old job who had moved on who was stunned at what had happened and offered me a room in her apartment until I could get on my feet.  I got my current job and started making money again.  This place is awesome! They are knowledgeable and tolerant and I have since been hospitalized while here and NO repercussions.  Only the support and permission to take the time I need to get well.  I got my dx sorted out and got on the right meds.

Okay, this has gotten long but my point is, you haven't lost it all.  There is still hope.  It may take some time but if you work with your pdoc and be straight with her she can help you.

Take care and let us know how you're doing.

Karen

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Hello Crsh,

Sorry you fell so hard. 

Not making it at work? Not your fault.  You gave it the old college try.  The illness still has a grip on you that is going to take more time to loosen.

I would strongly encourage you to take up the hospital offer.  The shelter from raging life, therapy and intense focus on meds could possibly be a big help in sorting things out.

Hang in there, we want you around!

A.M.

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