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I'm introducing myself... or trying to.

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So I'm a 31 year old female.

Mother of 3 beautiful children. Married for nearly 14 years.

Now on to the crappy stuff. I'm diagnosed as bipolar one with schizoid tendencies. I finally got diagnosed in 2004 after I had my second child, a suprise, and was in severe psychosis. They went through med after med after med. You name a anti psychotic, or mood stabilizer and I've tried it. None of them did much. I finally got a brief period of "light" when I started to get ECT's. They were like a miracle drug. Problem was once I didn't respond to the anesthesia they gave me but I did the paralytic (sp?). So I was awake the entire time but couldn't even open my eyes. I couldn't even breathe till they got the tube down my throat. I literally thought I was dying. So since then I haven't been brave enough to get the maintenance ones I need so badly.

So I'm not the best patient in the world. I don't think the drugs do enough to constitute their side effects. I stick with them for small periods of time at best. The only one I've stuck with is Klonipin. I do however want to get off it now. I don't feel it helps anymore. Right now they are trying to get me to take risperdol, klonipin and seroquel. I've taken all of those before but my pdoc would like me to give them a fourth or fifth go. I don't want to.

But mainly I suffer with hallucinations both visual and auditory. Daily suicidal thoughts. I rapid cycle. I tend to stay closer to manic than to the depressive side. I like to collect, spend money and get involved in other not good things when I'm having good days. I have severe insomnia.... It's 8 am and I still haven't been able to get to sleep. My anxiety is rediculous and I would love getting control of it. I have the usual generalized anxiety disorder but also severe people anxiety I call it. Going to visit my mother is very hard even. I have sensory integration disorder as well. . . this makes life interesting because I hate clothes even touching my skin. lol Unluckily I also got gastroparesis and Crohn's disease. I won the lottery! So they all kinda play off each other and make each illness even harder to deal with and handle. It's a fun cycle.

Well you get the drift. I always just feel so alone. I know other people who are bipolar but usually they can't even understand or empathize with me. I know I'm a tough case because I've had pdocs turn me down saying I'm too complicated of a case in real life! lol. That is hard to deal with too. Right now I like my pdoc and I have a new therapist that I think I can learn to get comfortable with. She wants me to try this new therapy that is like ECT's but doesn't require sedation. I can't remember it's name very much but I'd LOVE to hear about anyone that's had both and if they think the new treatment really does help or not. I'm told it won't with my manic problems but it's been shown to help with both depression and anxiety in "complicated" cases. So that is promising right now.

But anyways, I'd really like to find a refuge or a safe place I can go where people understand me. I know I'm barely scratching the surface but I'm sure you get the drift. Pleased to meet you all and I look forward to joining your community!

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We have a few boards you might find useful, Bipolar, ECT and the relevant med boards. It sounds like you have found treatment really difficult to adjust to and it sucks to be in that position. We're all about educating ourselves and working with pdocs to figure out the age old puzzle of how to treat our MI's. So you will hopefully find honesty, support and some very real challenging here, I warn you! We don't do cyber hugs and platitudes, but you can be honest, not have to censor and be among your own kind.

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