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Imfkiller tries to explain...


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  i'm new.here and to the world of actually dealing with MI.Struggling with it i got plenty experence.

what you have is someone who is Really at step 1.Ive learned SO much on this site in a few days that Im kinda overwhelmed,but a hell of a lot more informed.I feel Very fortunate that way.

the basics are I just began looking into help last month.I got a Bipolar1 diag,which im ok with .it fits pretty well.

Im also unemployed and pretty much unemployable at this point.I have to go thru state agencies for any help and this I have NO faith in.If you've ever had to do this you probably know what I mean.Ive been Up Down and evey place inbetween for the last 2 months and Im supprised I havent just offed myself while waiting to get on some kind of meds.Ill take anything at this point if theres the slightest chance it will give me ANY relief.

    I dont have a f**king clue what meds will or wont do for me.Right ones ,wrong ones,if the people at the place i got to will mess me up worse thru meds or just letting me fall thru the cracks.Will I actually have a doc to see on a regular basis,therapy,etc.

  I have been going to a "group" for bipolar people for a month at this clinic.Ive been so miserable that my participation is pretty minimal.The "leader"of the group implied that me attitude sucks.Is That any f**kin wonder?Im not even on meds!!

The idea that this  is a lifetime deal is not comforting(if I cant work how will i maintain meds?Will they zombify me and send me to the streets?)

  I currently stay with my dad who has the opinion that if your mentally ill,you are just plain crazy and shold be put away,and anyone else is lying and should quit making excuses and get a job.Its Black or White.You can imagine what that does for my anxiety.I could be on the street at any moment if i quit acting "normal".

  In Short, it sucks and Im pretty scared.

Im clinging to hope that somehow this will work out,but my experence is that everything falls apart,sooner than later.

  Oh and im 40 yrs old.ive had this on me for at least 10 years.I cant really believe Ive survived this long with out being institutionalized.or offed myself.I must be a masocist....

Thats my intro,nice to meet ya....

I think I'll get some meds thursday...I can only pray...   

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Hi Imfkiller,

I don't really have any advice.  Just wanted to let you know that I hear you.  And urge you to keep trying. 

Getting into the 'system' is hard, even when you do have insurance (you still have to jump through a series of hoops and it takes time to figure out how to work everything)  Of course, this is exceptionally hard when you feel like crap.

I'm sure you will find some support and ideas here from people who've been where you are...

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Hi Imfkiller,

I don't really have any advice.  Just wanted to let you know that I hear you.  And urge you to keep trying. 

Getting into the 'system' is hard, even when you do have insurance (you still have to jump through a series of hoops and it takes time to figure out how to work everything)  Of course, this is exceptionally hard when you feel like crap.

I'm sure you will find some support and ideas here from people who've been where you are...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Im not really seeking advise,Just trying to join the community..thanks for noticing me.

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I got some meds.I put them in my sig,like alot of people here.(I'm such a club-joiner)

I feel some relief but its really too early to tell.

I actually feel hopeful that my life wont completely suck to the end now.Im gaining a little faith in the local mental health outlet,for poor folks like me.

Man,did I feel alone until I found this board.You all have helped me so much just by reading your posts.

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hey Killer-

I was dx'ed @ the ripe old age of 42 three years ago. I feel like I've lost the last three years of my life but I am grateful for them. I finally realize how sick I was for so many years. It just seemed 'normal' to be that way (in some twisted sort of way). It was really the only thing I knew. I'm sure you know where I'm coming from.

Anyway, I hope everything works out for you. It'll be o.k.

Peace-

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Hi IMFK, welcome!

I'm 45 and wasn't dx until last year, and it took 6 months to get the right dx.  I'm just at the point where I'm pretty much ready to look for a job. Not having a lot of support from the family makes it a bit tougher.  But hopefully you can get some of that here.

Hopefully the meds are starting to slow your brain down a bit.  Be patient, it will slowly get better week by week.  Don't give up on the support group, every bit you do will help. It takes 6-8 weeks for new neurons to grow, after that your brain can begin to change how thoughts/emotions are processed.

Be sure to check these out:

The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide 

Book you can get at Amazon or locally

Dr. Phelps Bipolar website,  for BPII, but still good for BPI

www.psycheducation.org

See you around. A.M.

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Hey, killer, glad you found the place. I know feeling miserable can make you....more miserable.

I really hope the meds work for you. After almost a year, mine are. I was only dx'd in march.

Anyway, welcome welcome.

energ

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hi imfkiller,

coming to grips with being MI can be really freaking hard. it took me over ten years of secretly suspecting something was seriously wrong with me before i FINALLY got some help. oh how i could have lived my life differently if only i'd confronted it sooner. my loss.

you have a doubly hard time because your dad is one of those black and white people. i am sorry for you that you have to endure that.

it's fantastic that you're starting meds and have found this site. regardless of whether you want advice i would suggest that you try to get talk therapy as well. living with undiagnosed BPI has possibly left you with a lot of issues and maybe some poor coping mechanisms that you could get help with via talk therapy. a person example is that i have major depression so my self-esteem is utterly shot. and i need to address that and try to build it via talk therapy.

welcome,

grouse.

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