Schizoaffective newbie, advice, please!

[Reija]

Hi! I'm Reija! And here's the best I could do at a semi-quick rundown of fun times:

For ten years I was misdiagnosed with Depression only, then Borderline Personality Disorder, then Epilepsy after having several pseudo grand mal seizures that were later correctly associated with PTSD (stemming from severe sexual abuse as a child). Long f*cking sentence, jeez. During the same time, I was on and off of almost two dozen different meds – nothing worked or worked for long. That would put us at around seven years ago when I finally received the correct diagnosis of ADHD and Bipolar Disorder. Everything in my life finally fell into place and I was in control for the first time. I finished school, held down a corporate job, continued to go to therapy and see my psychiatrist on a regular basis. Then, stress induced, two years ago things took a really bad turn and not only did my old symptoms resurface and were much more severe, I had started to develop new ones such as auditory hallucinations, paranoia, and became completely delusional at times.

Long story short, I went bat shit crazy, was “baker acted” for the fourth time a year ago due to my first serious psychotic break. My perspective, or reality, of a situation, compared to how things really went down was drastically different at best. Oh, the issues that did indeed arise. Looking back, I still can’t clearly decipher between what actually did happen and what only happened in my head. The hallucinations were so wild that I had a hard time believing they were naturally induced – in which paranoia happily stepped in and took over at that point. In hindsight, I had experienced much milder breaks over the past couple of years, but I dismissed them with some other explanation or another. I was discharged with a shiny new diagnosis of Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar Type, ADHD and PTSD.

Which lands me here with you fine people! Quite desperate, to say the least, to connect with other creative types or anyone that might be able to help with and feedback at all - particular, more elaborate, posts will be up shortly in regards to the following. In short: finding options/solutions that will enable me to go back to work as soon as possible is critical. The meds I am now taking (which is the best combo I’ve ever been on, took almost 20 years) have completely destroyed any ability to continue with my career and deepest passion. I’m a motion graphics artist, therefore I rely on my creativity heavily. Antipsychotics completely wipe out any and all creativity I have, as if that part of my brain has been shut down entirely. I can’t compromise my career, nor can I quit my finally successful treatment and meds…SO…there’s that.

With a diagnosis that seems to have very little information available, I’m still not entirely sure what it is I can now expect from this point on. I’m really hoping to learn a lot from those of you that have been around for awhile. Thank you for taking the time to read this!

[Octopuppy]

Welcome aboard, fluffy bunny Reija.

I'm glad to hear you have working treatments that keep the MI in check, but I honestly feel for you losing your creativity. I had to take up a different career path when my creativity came to one grinding halt, but I still keep up creative hobbies so I don't get rusty with the hope of getting back into the dream path. So I can completely empathise with you there.

I hope you enjoy your stay and find the support you're looking for.

[Guest Vapourware]

Hai and welcome. You're right, there isn't a whole lot of information out there for schizoaffective people. There's a lot of schizoaffective people here [CB seems to attract us like bees] but in the general mental health population, we're a minority.

As for creativity - that's a hard one. Some APs I have tried have damped my creativity, but with my current combination, I find that I'm fairly creative. I'm a photographer and a musician, so I understand the need to have creativity. How long have you been on your current combo? I also find it can take a little while until your body adjusts and things go back to normal - or, as normal as can be.

[koa]

Hi,

Wow, sounds like you've had a wild ride. I've been there, too (another schizoaffective here.) I think that with time (and possibly with the help of therapy) it becomes easier to recognize your delusions and maintain a clearer sense of reality. At least that was the case with me. I'm at the point now that when I have psychotic breaks, I recognize at least partially that my thinking is delusional, but it doesn't really help that much neccessarily other than that I'm more willing to get help.

I am also a creative person. I'm in an master's program right now for art. I am also on risperdal. I'm not sure that my creativity is affected all that much. It is hard for me to say. I think I used to be "inspired" in art by some of my delusions, but of course now that I'm not delusional that isn't the case. I also find it harder to make time for creative pursuits because I sleep so damn much on antipsychotics. However I would encourage you to try keep up some kind of creative pursuit, even if it is a different one than what you're used to.

[vandeeje]

I'm sorry you've had such a struggle. Maybe this will help for info about schizoaffective disorder:

http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevision/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=144#

It's the proposed definition of schizoaffective disorder for the DSM-5. I haven't found any meds that are better than creativity than others. I used to try to coax it out by doing creative things, painting and drawing. I wish I could give you more advice but really nothing seemed to help me.

[Reija]

Hi Octopuppy, thank you for your kind well wishes and warm welcome!

I had to take up a different career path when my creativity came to one grinding halt,

Made my heart stop. This terrifies me. How did you come to that decision? I admire your strength in having to make the exact same one, just considering the possiblity has my head completely spun - obviously.

Being a designer and constantly creating is my one true passion, the one thing that makes me feel alive. That's why the hell I went back to school to be one. How ridiculous is that...

lol...

Whatever the Universe is up to, I am no longer amused.

Hello Vapourware

I feel like a I've hit a gold mind of crazy in the schizoaffective dept. Grateful, is an understatement.

How long have you been on your current combo? I also find it can take a little while until your body adjusts and things go back to normal - or, as normal as can be.

It's been almost 6 months on these meds. I tried Zyprexa briefly, but started gaining major weight overnight. Seroqoel didn't seem to do much, if anything, and abilify...didn't bother, knew I couldn't afford it.

Hi Koakua

I am also a creative person. I'm in an master's program right now for art. I am also on risperdal. I'm not sure that my creativity is affected all that much. It is hard for me to say. I think I used to be "inspired" in art by some of my delusions, but of course now that I'm not delusional that isn't the case. I also find it harder to make time for creative pursuits because I sleep so damn much on antipsychotics.

I can further develop projects already in development and I know the software like the back of my hand. But coming up with a concept from scratch - sketching, brainstorming, pulling inspiration from other places - executing that idea into a final product - Nope. It's not even possible anymore. There's nothing there to tap into. I used to paint, constantly draw, work on my own projects outside of work - that stopped the day I started taking APs. I think Lithium had somewhat of an effect also before that. All desire is gone, the constant flow of ideas and inspiration that endlessly filled my head is also gone. I hate it, more than anything. I feel like a part of me is dead...or in a coma.

Hello Vandeeje

I haven't found any meds that are better than creativity than others. I used to try to coax it out by doing creative things, painting and drawing. I wish I could give you more advice but really nothing seemed to help me.

Thank you for the link! It's not that I don't understand the diagnosis, it's just so vague. For example, since I had the last serious break that earned the dx, I haven't had any depression, as if it changed the rapid cycling I had always known before. Among other things. It's strange.

Again, thank you all again for taking the time to post. It's very much appreciated - I no longer feel completely in the dark It's been comforting the past few days, reading what I thought were unique hallucinations or things I didn't even know were symtoms in other member's posts and experiences.

[lwamikids]

It's so nice to see a fellow Floridian. Yeah, we're the only state that refers to "baker acting" LOL. So nice to meet you. Long story short but I am diagnosed with Bipolar I and Anxiety but I also have a 5 year old son who is diagnosed as Bipolar I with psychotic features (doctors feel it will later be schizo-affective), Autism, and ADHD.

I do understand the tragedy when you can't work. Working for me was everything but ironically working makes me manic which mania is when I can become very dangerous and psychotic at times. But the good thing is that I love helping others that face mental illness or autism so I made a website. We have just had to kind of play by ear. This is my true passion. It doesn't brings in thousands every month but our bills are paid!

I have a blog below if you wanna check it out. Look forward to seeing you around.

[Reija]

It's so nice to see a fellow Floridian. Yeah, we're the only state that refers to "baker acting" LOL. So nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you as well, thanks for taking the time to say hi.

That's awesome that you were able to create a website and something positive after realizing you couldn't work. Inspiring. I'm still in limbo...it's a double-edged sword...taking meds to improve my quality of life, that those meds in turn kill the one thing I'm passionate about, along with my career. I just don't know. I'm not trained to do anything else and if I wasn't buried in student loans from going back to school to be a designer, I would love to join the Peace Corps...actually do something with purpose, so that all doesn't feel lost. It sure would be nice if the government forgave student loans in special situations like this, for creatives with MI, that can no longer pursue a job in their field due to their meds and disorder. It might actually create some room to be trained in something else. Though, they're going to need to medicate me even more if I try to do anything else...just so that I'm so numb I won't jump out of the window everyday when I go to work.

I'm sorry your son now deals with it too. I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy. I finally gave up the hope to adopt after this last episode...can't do that to a child...especially only for the selfish reason of wanting to be a mom. It's great, that in spite of everything, you have your family to hold at the end of the day. If anything else, it's a reason to wake up every day.

Best of luck to all of you...XO

[hammock]

HI!!! I'm the same kinda nut flavor as you. Welcome to the friendly place

[Reija]

HI!!! I'm the same kinda nut flavor as you. Welcome to the friendly place

Hello dear hammock, It's great to meet you! Thank you so much for the kind welcome ...I'm grateful to be in good company.

[g8orgirl]

Welcome to the boards Reija, I have schizoaffective too and have been Baker acted numerous times as well. I think you'll find this is a very friendly place where you will gets lots of good advice should you need it.

[Reija]

Welcome to the boards Reija, I have schizoaffective too and have been Baker acted numerous times as well. I think you'll find this is a very friendly place where you will gets lots of good advice should you need it.

Hi g8orgirl Thank you love, very happy to be here and to learn all I can! To find others that actually get it and are dealing with it first hand helps so much.

[wj74]

Great, so we just need someone to spit on our heads?! Yeahhh.

[wj74]

Ummm did that post get deleted or is that my crazy coming out?

[WinterRosie]

It got deleted for being spam.

[wj74]

Ok lol it was pretty nuts, even if this is CB.