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I figured me out


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I  took a long time yesterday after Milo was gone and just thought about my life.

And i finally realized something about me that I never knew until now. I don't know what  to call it, but it is a big problem in my life, one that has led me astray

since I started liking guys. I cannot distinguish, when having a new encounter

with someone showing  me kindness , courtesy, between him wanting friendship or being interested in me as a partner.

I usually(almost always) take it wrong . If i am interested big time I will pursue till the end until i capture and snag. Guess what ? It has always been a huge mistake.. My blinders are on and no matter what they like,do, are interested in. Its a go. The cause is a terribly neglected childhood always looking to be loved and told I was good and smart and pretty but never hearing  but the opposite.

I feel really bad now knowing my self revelation and all those I have probably hurt by my neediness. It was not fair to them.  I wish I had known this in my youth

My life would have been so different. I guess this is my way of apologising to anyone past or present that came across my path and got hooked by my claws.

sorry frosty

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frosty,

i can relate to many things you said just as i am sure a lot of people on the board can.  it is not your fault.  many of our problems are beyond our control and mess with our perceptions and reactions to things.  recognizing the problem and trying to do what we can to get help and be treated is the best thing we can do.

you're a good person, frosty, dont think otherwise... 

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Yes, I can relate a lot.  When I was a lot younger I went through periods where I would set out to "snag" men just to see if I could do it.  I was an attractive woman but had such poor self esteem I was always astonished that I could do this but would come away with the very messed up belief that I hadn't really hurt anyone.  But I had.  Some of these men actually loved me.  I figured they were only interested in sex and for that reason my cavalier attitude was excusable.  I think it's clear I had a really messed up attitude towards men in general.  Part of my escapades were the result of bipolar disorder but part of it was surely about BPD and childhood abuse issues.

When I calmed down over the years I realized I had hurt a lot of men - they had really cared about me.

I feel real lucky to have been able to apologise to some of them years later and you know what?  They appreciated it and gave me valuable feedback and a number of them already understood what was going on with me.

I still have similar troubles today but less inclined to get romantically involved.  What's real messed up is that I still believe no one actually likes or cares about me unless I have something to give them.

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