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i dunno...


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sometimes i wonder why i cant be so interesting...why cant they let me be who im supposed to be.

So if I have cancer I'm not supposed to get it treated because I'm supposed to have cancer?

Don't get me wrong, it's frustrating to deal with medications and their side effects, and I have in the past felt like a lab rat, trying all these meds in the hope they'll help without ruining my life.  So I empathize entirely.  All I can say is to keep working with your pdoc to tweak meds or change them so you feel better.  You know you have BP.  Don't let wishful thinking rule you.

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Want to go without meds?  Yeah, every day.

Made it 3 months without them, and then it all went up in smoke.  The stresses started building, family illnesses, obligations, need to move, need to find a job, what do I do for insurance, major insult from fellow volunteer, short on sleep, and probably a six pack of beer on the wrong two nights. 

I spun up like a top, couldn't slow down and the anxiety chest pains were killing me.

This time I dove into the lithium/lamictal headfirst begging for shelter.

I guess I can quit for good as soon as I solve all my problems, move, find a fabulous job with great pay and health benefits, and everyone in my family gets well.

Right? ;)

A.M.

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Very frequently. I rehearse in my mind a couple of scenarios. Like asking my pdoc, do you suppose we've made a mistake, that I'm just hiding behind meds to account for my tendency to do stupid things? Or, is this bp bs going in my permanent records? You know, I may run for president one day. Or, now that I think about it, if I had put in more effort, I think I could have controlled myself. Or, okay, I admit I've got the chemistry that makes me so similar to bps. But, I'm not really

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does anyone ever get feelings of just...stopping meds and seeing if theres REALLY really any hope?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yeah, I think about it, but I know better. It feels like a fight to get, and keep, the meds right, but to stop fighting is just asking to get hit in the face. Hard.

Todd.

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Jesus, I just finished mu weekly "dole out the pills into the little containers so you take the right things in the AM and PM" and I am so tired of all this and so tired of the expense--even tho the co-pay is low, with 5 or 6 co-pays, it adds up.  I want to just chuck them all and see what hapens.

Deep down, I know what will happen, but I like to thik that "its all gone" and I will be the cheery, funny, sarcastic, smart,cute, likeable person I used to be before I became a weepy and/or irritable/crazy mess.

No, you are not alone--but I just don't think it will work, at least not for me--but still, I think, maybe one at a time---just stop one drug and see what happens and then another, and another. 

But it wont work--cause the same, samart, cute, likeable person, I believe is gone--long gone, dead and gone--amd without the meds, there would be no one.

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does anyone ever get feelings of just...stopping meds and seeing if theres REALLY really any hope?

i mean.

blah.

ive been contemplating these thoughts over the past few months - like im second guessing everything that the docs have told me. ive been somewhat honest about everything thats gone on in my life, meaning ive told them a lot - not everything regarding symptoms. 

did i REALLY hallucinate that?? ive kind of enjoyed some, some were a bit disturbing.

was that REALLY a manic attack?

doesnt this happen to everyone?

everyone goes through depression...

MEH.

my doctors say no.

why the fuck do i have to be so fucked up?

sometimes i wonder why i cant be so interesting...why cant they let me be who im supposed to be.  i suppose the depression aspect needs to be treated. the suicidal ideation, cutting, drinking/drugs...etc. none of that is very good. heh.

i hate feeling like a failure a lot of the time. yet, i hate that no one can keep up with or understand my great ideas.

ive noticed that being on medication has numbed my abilities to think of things, that used to make me unique. those weird, random strange things...

im rambling.

thats enough.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Do I ever get this way? ALL_THE_TIME!

I absolutely love you for posting this, btw. So often I go through these doubts. What if this is all a mistake? What if I'm really normal but the way I describe things makes me seem nuts? What if it's not *really* all that bad? Didn't I accomplish (insert something seemingly meaningful) A person with BP couldn't have done that! What if I'm just being a lazy whiner? On and on and on... I hate it!

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It is absolutely true that we are not "ourselves" with our meds.  But unfortunately, that's the point.  I'M SICK TO DEATH of the handfuls I take every day.  I'm sick of not really giving a shit about anything and never getting excited over anything.  However, the alternative is to completely destroy everything around me including myself.  What a crap choice... they both suck.

I guess I'm just trying to say I empathize.  It's a heavy cross to bear.

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I can relate.  When my thoughts started to slow down I was a bit dismayed.  I felt

like I lost "my edge", part of my personality.  The good thing is that I've lost a lot

of the negative aspects too- the rages, paranoia, ruminations and things like that.

I am still trying to get comfortable with myself.  I did try to go the med free route

and I discovered it brought more of the negative traits back than the positive ones.

I guess I'm just saying that I understand.

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