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She's Just Gone

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Today at 3 a.m. I found out that one of my best friends, also my ex-girlfriend, had passed away of an accidental drug overdose. I've been crying all day but it's still not real, I'm expecting someone to tell me that it's just a fucked up joke and they were lying. That she's not dead.

I always loved her and I always will, you never really stop loving someone.

She had MI and I knew since I first met her there was a possibility that this could happen, MI and addictions don't go well together. I wanted to see her succeed, and you know, be adults together (we're 21.)

The worst part is, we were making plans two days before. If I had gone THAT DAY I could have seen her one last time, but I didn't because I'm usually too anxious to go out, ever.

Please, can anyone tell me what helped them when they lost someone important in their lives?

And what is the proper way to go about offering condolences to her mother? We had a good relationship when I was more involved in my late friend's life. I feel like I should wait at least a few days, but also to bring her comfort food.

Sorry if my post is inappropriate or something, not really in a good state of mind right now.

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Grieving is hard, especially at your young age. First and foremost, I think you need to take care of yourself. Resist any urges to abuse alcohol or other drugs during this period.

If you have spiritual beliefs, I would encourage you to drawn from those. If not, remember that we are all here for a short time. It is a shame that your friend's time was not longer.

Take strength and give strength with your mutual friends.

Taking comfort food to the mother is a very nice gesture. I would simply tell the mother the fondest things you felt about your friend, her best qualities.

Again, take care.

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You don't have to wait with the comfort food. If you can make her a casserole or something, label it with cooking instructions and the ingredients (so many people have food allergies) and put it in an aluminum pan that's disposable so she won't have to return it. Take it over as soon as you can---she probably has a lot of people coming by and it's great to offer food to share.

My boyfriend died when I was 19 and he was 20. I talked to his mother early on and just said how sorry I was and what a special young man he was. A month or so later, when I could think more clearly, I wrote a letter to her. I didn't want her to think that she was responsible in any way, and a lot of mothers blame themselves when their children die. In the letter, I talked about how much he loved his mom, and all the nice things he had told me about her. I related to her childhood memories that he told me about, and happy things like the year he got a bicycle for Christmas, etc. She wrote back and said that my letter was a tremendous comfort to her.

So maybe you could write down some memories of your friend, and share them with her mother at a later date. I'm sure the poor woman is in shock right now, so I would wait with it for some weeks.

If you have any mutual friends, maybe you could call one of them or send a text and talk about your ex-gf. It's very helpful to talk with someone when your grief is so new and painful.

Please also consider writing a blog here at CB. Lots of people read the blogs and some will respond to your posts. It might help you to write down something about when you met her, and what she was like, and why you loved her.

I am very sorry that you've lost your friend. You are correct that MI and misusing drugs is a deadly mixture.


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So very sorry for your loss.

I can't add anything to the strategies that Olga and Will haven't already mentioned.

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I lost my best friend almost 6 months ago, she died unexpectedly and her cause of death was never determined. I had spoken to her on the phone a few days before she passed. I wish I could offer you some advice but I'm still reeling from the loss of my friend, she was only 31. I know what you mean about expecting the whole thing to be a joke, sometimes it still doesn't feel real that she's gone. I'm sorry for what you're going through, it know it sounds like a cliche but grief does get better with time. Olga had some great advice, I was able to find comfort in my other friends who were also close with her and it was comforting to be around people who were going through the same thing.

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Thank you everyone for your replies. Olga and Will, I am going to try what you've suggested, it's been a weird week for sure.

I've got a crazy appetite, I think I've been substituting real self-care with food.

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This is saddening.

I have lost very good friends to different things... genetic illnesses, drunk drivers...

I think the hardest losses are ones where you feel like something could have been done.

Just please, don't blame yourself, give yourself some extra love and care... don't rush grieving...

If you find yourself really anxious or upset... do something relaxing or comforting... light a candle.... take a shower...

Share the good times with people. Don't feel guilty for laughing or crying.

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