I've been depressed and have experienced suicidal thoughts for a long time. I've tried to kill myself multiple times but I've stopped from actually doing it because I fear death. I've always have since the very beginning.
I don't know how I feel about religion. I don't know which side I should join. I don't want to kill myself because I fear the idea of "oblivion" and nonexistence. The idea of "being asleep" forever without dreaming (Or how else someone might describe it) fears more than anything else. I want to die, but I want to exist too. Call me wishy washy because I am. Whenever someone talks about why they choose to live it's always something like family and responsibility but I simply have little to no connection with anything in the world. It's selfish, I know but I feel kinda alone and left out that apparently no one else I know has the same motivation as me for noting choosing to die.
Sorry for this dumb post. I just wanted to vent.
When you are splitting, do you ever engage in fantasies about the person that you are hating at the time? In one particular case, my fantasies included ways this person could die. Mind you, this is a person who is very close to me, err hmm partner. None of the ways he died in the scenarios were by my hand or entailed murder committed by me, but they were all things like being hit by car or knocked over by falling tree, having a stroke, or any other crazy thing you could think of. It was like a malicious screwed up form of escapism, but it makes me feel very guilty. And I have wondered for a while where it came from. It's not something that you would ask someone about, you know? I didn't even know where to begin with that level of craziness.
When I get angry or enraged about something, I feel he has done to me, it is quite easy for me to move into this territory. For example I can put myself to sleep at night fantasizing this way. I haven't done this lately but it is definitely something I have done in the recent past.
I don't yet have a BPD diagnosis but I am very sure that I have it and that I was misdiagnosed as bipolar 2 or that I have SAD or bipolar 2 in addition to BPD and ADHD I. Reading the criteria for borderline personality disorder explained so much about my life and I fit 7 of them for sure. I would appreciate any responses if anyone has experienced similar because I'm just wondering if this is something way beyond what a borderline person might experience or if it is something that could be part of splitting. These fantasies are about the same guy that I put on a pedestal and gush about endlessly at other moments.
My mom died recently. She was young; I am still in my twenties and she was in her fifties. She was my best friend.
There's a quote or something (or I possibly made it up, who knows) about how when someone dies, for the rest of your life they will only be further away. I can't deal with that.
She was my best friend. And she died so painfully, so horribly, so needlessly.
I am beginning to cry a little writing this. Sometimes I feel like sleepwalking. Sometimes I think I'll hear her voice and I'll look up and she'll still be there. But she never is.
She was gentle, beautiful, sweet, unassuming, generous, strong, and selfless. She was everything I have tried (and failed) to be. She loved life more than anyone I ever met. When I was psychotic for four months she took care of me without an ounce of selfishness. She loved people more than anything, more than anyone.
I didn't get a chance to say good-bye.
Perceiving value in your life is not a thought form of perception (awareness) at all. Rather, it is an emotional awareness. In other words, our emotions do not have some sort of mind control effect on us where they force us to perceive, through our thinking, our lives being good or bad to us. It is purely the emotions themselves that allow us to see values in our lives. Emotions are actually a sense like sight. They allow us to see the values that things and situations hold in our lives. It is only our positive emotions that allow us to see the positive qualities of life (i.e. the good values) while it is only our negative emotions that allow us to see the negative qualities of life (i.e. the bad values). Having neither positive nor negative emotions would be no different than a blind person. No value judgment can allow this blind person to see just as how no value judgment or mindset can allow us to see the values in our lives.
My partner died 3 months ago of a heroin overdose. It was extremely traumatic, as you can imagine. He is not my first partner to pass away in this manner. He and I unfortunately only got to be together for 3 months and it was unlike any relationship I had ever had. I let my guards down and allowed myself to be loved and I truly loved him. Our relationship was amazing until he relapsed. It was recognized to me by many people after he died that our relationship was very unique and that not many people get to have something like that ever. He was my soul mate. I was with a man for 5 years and never felt that kind of connection.
His death has left a void. I acted recklessly, hooked up with people, reached out to people who didn't respect or care about me, and of course never felt connected (obviously unhealthy behavior).
I was also sexually assualted by someone I really trusted just a month after his death and am in the process of court cases.
But I met this guy and it was weird. He's perfect and has been wonderful and understanding in the short time we've been involved, but it hasn't been very long since my partner's death. I've questioned all of my motivations as well as his and feel insecure, but ultimately we have genuine well-intentioned feelings for each other. I worry I need more time alone, but he makes me feel happy in the capacity that another person is able and we have a wonderful thing going.
Now I feel extremely guilty. Every time I realize I'm happy, I just stop and feel overwhelming guilt.
I also have developed incredibly low self esteem since my partner died. It is so hard for me to accept that this man is genuine and cares and desires me and isn't just going to abandon me as soon as open up and I trust him.
I feel conflicted. I want this. I do. And he knows what's going on and has been completely accepting of me. He even is willing to go slow and give me space to grieve. But I feel like I'm abandoning my dead partner even though in reality he abandoned me.
Feedback, love, and support would be great.