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What I Know About Who I Am *Maybe TW*

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Hello everyone,

I've been around this forum for ages, just scoping it out and never posting... Official n00b here.

Aside from physical health problems, my craziness has... I don't remember not being crazy. In the sense of kind of always being terribly pessimistic and dark, kind of fed up of this world, I don't know, along with having a sense that somehow everyone's going to hate me already. I kind of am in awe if they don't, though I'm supposedly 'popular'. Somewhere along the line, I stopped believing I was a human. I don't think I'm a human, sort of. I look like one, but feel like I don't think like one or really like humans very much.

I officially became crazy earlier this year when I realised that all day suicidal thoughts weren't normal (in retrospect, haha). Three months or so of solidly sitting indoors, sleeping weird hours, eating loads, wishing I was dead, sometimes self injuring, made me eventually see a doctor.

Finally I got diagnosed with depressive disorder not otherwise specified by a GP. I deferred university but I only have work and exams left so no real reason to go back.

I got put on fluoxetine, but it didn't somehow help me much. It also totally wiped me out for a couple of weeks. I am not longer taking it.

I saw a psychiatrist once, but she didn't find anything except 'moderate' depression. And maybe brain damage. I thought it was an odd thing to say since I've been tested a lot (physical health stuff) but she must have had something in mind, I suppose. I was advised by a GP not to pursue this line of enquiry unless I didn't mind getting upset (I was kind of upset that it was 'obvious' to her, enough to say that after one hour of meeting me [she didn't actually tell me that to my face, only in letter form]). The psychiatrist told me to take citalopram, but I don't take it.

I don't know if I'm keeping myself in this mindset because I'm in the middle of nowhere with no friends. I only talk to my family, more or less. I sometimes drink a lot. I can't feel motivation to do anything. I can still do most of the minimally strenuous things required by my life (no job / no responsibilities / no urgency), but I don't know where the line is. Mostly I feel really bad, my emotions are really reactive and I still sometimes self injure.

I think my parents think that psych meds make you fat and slow, but not necessarily better. I don't want to disappoint them, in a way, by taking them. I would like to think that if I got myself here, to this crazy, I can get myself away from it, but in a sense I don't know where it starts and I end, so I don't know if I can do that. In my unprofessional opinion, I think I might have something more, but I'm trusting it will be found, because self diagnosis isn't always a good idea.

Sorry for the essay.

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Hi and welcome aboard! We look forward to you posting. Psych meds can be a big help if you find the right ones. They sure beat suffering. If your parents love you, I'm sure they would understand.

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Hello Sir, glad you're here! I'm quite new also :) It's a friendly and solid place to be. I agree with the prior post, finding the right meds can drastically change your world and quality of life. It's well worth trying at least. You'll have all the support you need here.

Look forward to reading more of your posts! ;)

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