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adianoeta

I guess this is depression.

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You don't care for her tone! Your tone has been petulant and and self-unaware. You don't truly want advice, you only want advice that makes you feel good.

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Pianos are well and good, but if you wish to avoid burnout, if you wish to achieve balance, IMHO it'd be a mistake to solely rely on it. Baby steps need to include other areas of caring for our health. This can and likely should mean therapy and/or meds. And if finances for those are a problem, then baby steps must include financial aid. Seeking out of answers. E-mailing local tdocs to see who may do sliding scale payment. Inquiring about local community health centres and what options are available through them -- some such places may be able to aid you in locating affordable professionals, financial aids, and other such services.

It doesn't have to be done *before* you practice on the piano, not at all. Something like learning an instrument can be a wonderful outlet while investigating and pursuing avenues of health care.

The "all or nothing" is... not something I think of as being related to my being bipolar. If anything, in me such tendencies are a manifestation of my obsessive perfectionism - where if I cannot do it all, I do nothing. Which creates insurmountable mountains. Hence: baby steps.

I have been in therapy most of my life. It has helped me through addictions, bad relationships, bad decisions, family problems. In a way, I'm burnt out on therapy. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I just want to move forward without always having to rehash old memories and that is what my latest tdoc always had me do. I need someone who can give me tools to be more emotionally stable. The idea of shopping for another tdoc who can do this is daunting, but given my current slump, I guess I should look into it. Thank you for giving me some starting points as far as where to look for help while I struggling financially.

"The "all or nothing" is... not something I think of as being related to my being bipolar. If anything, in me such tendencies are a manifestation of my obsessive perfectionism - where if I cannot do it all, I do nothing. Which creates insurmountable mountains. Hence: baby steps."

This sounds just like me! It seems you describe it better than I ever could. I can't be perfect. So I do nothing. I need to take those baby steps and find my happy medium.

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Pianos are well and good, but if you wish to avoid burnout, if you wish to achieve balance, IMHO it'd be a mistake to solely rely on it. Baby steps need to include other areas of caring for our health. This can and likely should mean therapy and/or meds. And if finances for those are a problem, then baby steps must include financial aid. Seeking out of answers. E-mailing local tdocs to see who may do sliding scale payment. Inquiring about local community health centres and what options are available through them -- some such places may be able to aid you in locating affordable professionals, financial aids, and other such services.

It doesn't have to be done *before* you practice on the piano, not at all. Something like learning an instrument can be a wonderful outlet while investigating and pursuing avenues of health care.

The "all or nothing" is... not something I think of as being related to my being bipolar. If anything, in me such tendencies are a manifestation of my obsessive perfectionism - where if I cannot do it all, I do nothing. Which creates insurmountable mountains. Hence: baby steps.

And this. I got distracted talking about myself, lol, and forgot this important point. It's taking care of all of you that creates balance. And while I talked about my bipolar, and medication has helped, this was definitely a therapy issue, the all or nothing, must be perfect or not try at all problem. The grandiosity and failure to live up to potential dyad.

So, yeah.... Figure out what financial assistance you are entitled to. Find a therapist. Take a shower. Get a used keyboard from craigslist or learn to read music by getting a Dummies guide. Small, sustainable, balanced steps....

Very good advice. :) Thank you both.

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You don't care for her tone! Your tone has been petulant and and self-unaware. You don't truly want advice, you only want advice that makes you feel good.

I'm sorry, I disagree. Feel free to not to bother with me if this is the way you feel.

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I would like to take a moment and apologize to those that feel I have misunderstood their intentions. Words on a screen can be misinterpreted rather easily. I have no qualms with anyone, and just because I don't take someone's advice doesn't mean that I am being disrespectful. There seems to misunderstandings and I am open to hearing anything said calmly and politely from one adult to another. Thank you all for taking the time to help me and despite any communication barriers, I err on the side of believing everyones intentions are for my health and well being.

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I just wanted to say thank you adianoeta for starting this thread and being so honest in it. It's helped me get more insight into my own grandiose dreams from when I was younger and my own feelings of failure right now. I, too, was one of those people who scored highly on tests in school and was always told I had a lot of potential and I really clung to that for far too long, even when it was clear that I had problems with -- and was neglecting -- basic living skills.

I think your dreams are hampering as much as they are helping you, in that the bar is just so high that you're really paralyzed in doing anything at all. But it's also obvious that they serve a vital purpose for you that I wouldn't want to take away from you either.

I am glad that you are taking the advice about baby steps and self-care because it's so important.

and my amazing mother just today basically forced me out of bed, took me to a piano store, and bought me a piano. She says she believes in me and knows that I can do this. It made me cry tears o joy because I know we can't afford this. But fuck therapy, I have a piano!! I have a reason to get up everyday and play and sing.

I dunnno. I just found this incredibly poignant.

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When I was younger I was considered to be a "high-flyer" with much potential - school was easy, I had many talents etc

And I spent YEARS striving to fully "recover" from my illness and become great in some way.

But now I have accepted that, while it doesn't define me, my illness is a major part of my life and who I have become.

I am never going to achieve much in society's terms. I can't hold down a job and I have proved unable to complete a course of study.

But I have let go of those dreams now and am very much at peace. I appreciate all the small wonderful things in my life - even something so simple as a good cup of coffee in a pretty mug.

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Guest Recluse

The difference between someone's perception-of-self and their reality can be a hair's breadth, or a wide and yawning gulf. While I don't write this reply out of spite or a sense of offense at something you've said, it occurs to me that having your situation cast in a different light or put beneath a different lens might be of some use to you. I've pulled a few quotes from your posts to try and demonstrate the point I'd like to make.

It's a burden to know that I am gifted, intelligent, creative, talented, beautiful, articulate, meant for greatness.

I know I am special. I could do anything. I could be someone. It's torture, really, knowing it. It's absolute hell. I can sing, dance, act, write, compose, teach, have a genius capacity to learn, a magnetic way with people, fashion sense, street sense, potential...

It's not like I chose to be gifted. And I only brag because I have nothing to show for it, but I do have a lot of things going for me. I am an artist and a writer (scored in the 99th percentile in the state in high school) and I can sing.

I have wisdom beyond my years and would like to convey my story and inspire others as musical icons have inspired me.

Of course, most people hate me for that.

While I am happy to compliment others, they don't dare say anything nice to me. Because I know I've got something, and they want to bring me down a few notches.

Very few people will be driven to flatter someone who is already adept at flattering themselves.

When I meet someone face-to-face who touts themselves this vocally and without a shred of humility, I find that I have little to say to them because I simply don't want to be around them. I meet people with this attitude at every writer's workshop I attend or teach, at every writer's group I visit, at every signing I go to, and the point of view illustrated above is sadly common.

For a young artist, musician, or writer, this is incredibly self-destructive.

Here is the truth: That sense of 'people hate me for my greatness' and all of the hostility, jealousy, envy, and anxiety that you project onto other people? It belongs to you. You are envious, jealous, hostile, and anxious, but rather than confront those emotions, you assign them to the people around you regardless of their actual thoughts.

They have gone out and done what you have not. For all the potential that you feel you have, for all the greatness you believe yourself capable of, those people have fought for it and worked for it and gotten themselves involved while you yourself have not.

The mantra that I read in your posts is that you already believe that you -are- these things, an artist, a musician, a writer, a visionary, an icon, and these are part of your view of self whether or not you have actually achieved them. The core of your problem here is that occasionally you are forced to confront the fact that no, you are none of those things yet, are 28, struggling with mental illness, and living under parental support.

Your vision of yourself and your reality are two different things.

That is your true burden, and I think repairing this will help you greatly.

You are not an artist, a musician, a singer, an author, or anything else until you do it. Until you see your work on a wall or a shelf, until you see people listening to your music or singing your songs, until you have a check in your hand, you are none of those things.

I also can't give up the idea that I am meant for greatness. I just can't. Maybe that's completely what's wrong with me.

No. Your problem is that you can't give up the idea that you are already supposed to be great, without doing the work of becoming great. You want to be that immediate success, that one special snowflake that is discovered like a diamond in the rough and never has to really struggle to be what you want to be. You won't -let- yourself be a novice, a newcomer, or even imperfect...and that's really what's killing you.

You need to be a nameless drop in the ocean before you can be a beautiful, unique snowflake.

Get busy.

Edited by Recluse

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Oh, thank god, Recluse did it before I was going to force myself to do the exact same thing. Probably way better. YAY!

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Guest Vapourware

I agree with Recluse. The more I read, the more I realise you expect your "greatness" to come to you, without you doing any work. In the real world, that doesn't happen. Quite frankly, that attitude is pretty arrogant and conceited.

Personal example: I found photography to be very interesting and I thought I could take good photos. That was 2008. So I went out and bought a DSLR. It took me four years before I started exhibiting. I ran around taking as many photos as I could for various street magazines, for free. Why? To learn from others more experienced than me, and to learn about my own craft.

Sure, I could have just sat around and told myself I was great at taking photos. That wouldn't have gotten me anywhere because I wouldn't have learnt anything. That's the problem when you are arrogant and think of yourself as this "great" talent. Fact is, there will always be people who do things better than you. You can either be intimidated and downcast by that idea, or you can watch and learn from them.

The reality is - you're not "great". Nowhere near. I'm not saying this to spite you; I'm saying this because it's reality. That's the reality you have to change. All these grandiose ideas you have of yourself is a nice little daydream, but it's not going to get you anywhere. You have a choice - you can sit around, tell yourself that you're "great" and that everyone else is jealous and hate you, or you can go and actually do something with your potential.

It's your call.

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"You need to be a nameless drop in the ocean before you can be a beautiful, unique snowflake.

Get busy."

Oh, yeah.

How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

Practice.

olga

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I just wanted to say thank you adianoeta for starting this thread and being so honest in it. It's helped me get more insight into my own grandiose dreams from when I was younger and my own feelings of failure right now. I, too, was one of those people who scored highly on tests in school and was always told I had a lot of potential and I really clung to that for far too long, even when it was clear that I had problems with -- and was neglecting -- basic living skills.

I think your dreams are hampering as much as they are helping you, in that the bar is just so high that you're really paralyzed in doing anything at all. But it's also obvious that they serve a vital purpose for you that I wouldn't want to take away from you either.

I am glad that you are taking the advice about baby steps and self-care because it's so important.

and my amazing mother just today basically forced me out of bed, took me to a piano store, and bought me a piano. She says she believes in me and knows that I can do this. It made me cry tears o joy because I know we can't afford this. But fuck therapy, I have a piano!! I have a reason to get up everyday and play and sing.

I dunnno. I just found this incredibly poignant.

Thank you for recognizing that I am just being honest with myself rather than bragging. I am truly just frustrated with myself.

"I think your dreams are hampering as much as they are helping you, in that the bar is just so high that you're really paralyzed in doing anything at all. But it's also obvious that they serve a vital purpose for you that I wouldn't want to take away from you either."

I wholeheartedly agree. I am paralyzed, but I am garnering the courage to move forward one small step at a time. It is my calling, and even if the world falls down around me-- which it has, many times-- that will never change.

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When I was younger I was considered to be a "high-flyer" with much potential - school was easy, I had many talents etc

And I spent YEARS striving to fully "recover" from my illness and become great in some way.

But now I have accepted that, while it doesn't define me, my illness is a major part of my life and who I have become.

I am never going to achieve much in society's terms. I can't hold down a job and I have proved unable to complete a course of study.

But I have let go of those dreams now and am very much at peace. I appreciate all the small wonderful things in my life - even something so simple as a good cup of coffee in a pretty mug.

Same. I can't hold a regular job and have yet to obtain a degree. I know I have emotional issues, and agree that that doesn't define me.

If I could let go of my dreams, I imagine I would also be at peace. I could just live every day for the beauty of the moment. But I think somewhere between going for my dream and enjoying the journey along the way lies the answer.

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I recently found this thread and site from a google search. I decided to join the site.

I have gone through similar issues in my own life. I am diagnosed as major depressive but I may actually be bipolar.

I was identified as gifted in elementary school as well. I have had a career as an engineer and been interviewed and published at international level. I have never been able to keep it together long enough to reap the rewards of the hard work. Grandiosity, fantasy and ego were the things that held me back. I am now in my early thirties and recently have been declared disabled (receiving SSDI). I am in immensely in debt; lost my kid, home and many possessions due to a nervous breakdown. My point here is that raw talent does not equate to success. I have been struggling with this for a long time. Success is about the whole the package. It is about the hard work and more importantly the discipline. I think it takes more discipline to succeed if you suffer from a mental illness than if you were a person without such an affliction. I am now seeing that my journey is as much about dealing with mental illness as it is about a successful career.

Being "gifted" is exactly that, a gift. Having a gift of talent in no way entitles you to success. Considering all the talent and intelligence that you have, apply it to overcoming you illness.

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.

Wow, it must have taken a lot of time for you to pull all my quotes together. I could easily do the same, showing the other side of the coin. Maybe I will sometime, but it seems you have very selective reading skills. And honestly, you've given me nothing to think about and just wasted your time. Sorry.

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I'm getting really tired of repeating myself. I think I've bravely and honestly conveyed my mental state. Some people recognize that, and I greatly appreciate it. Others are simply preying on what are already my obvious insecurities, and my response to that is they should read and reread very carefully. They will find that I do not love myself. They will find that my self worth does not lie in what I'm capable of but the lack of what I have done with my potential. They will find that I have reiterated time and time again that I do not think I am a star, do not tell others that I could be one, and that this thread is a rare peak into my very soul in which I am baring my insecurities about what I have NOT done with the gifts that I possess. No one in my life knows an inkling of this, and I do not dare to tell them. If I went around saying I'm this and that, that would make me the ass that some people on this forum make me out to be.

I don't know what I expected. I'm just being honest with myself and that's the best I can do right now. I still believe in myself. And I always will.

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...

Being "gifted" is exactly that, a gift. Having a gift of talent in no way entitles you to success.

I agree completely. No one is going to knock on my door and hand me a platinum record, and the ache that I deal with daily is the realization that I have done nothing near the hard work required to achieve my dream.

I am not entitled. I think that's where some of the conflict lies with others here-- that they think I think I am. My worst fear is dying never having given it my all. Never having really tried, given myself a chance. I vent about all of my potential and its utter uselessness if I do nothing with it. I am fully aware of this reality.

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"You need to be a nameless drop in the ocean before you can be a beautiful, unique snowflake.

Get busy."

Oh, yeah.

How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

Practice.

olga

Action is the dignity of greatness. Jose Marti

It's déjà vu all over again. Yogi Berra

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Okay, taking a step back here.

I can see how I may have come across as thinking I am entitled. Yes, I have potential. But as I've said, it means nothing and is worth nothing if I don't do the hard work required to make something of it.

I do not run around telling people about my potential. It just came out here. It is actually something I keep completely to myself in my everyday life. I started out venting, and I can see how that makes me sound like an ass. I apologize for this and I hope that any further responses will take this posting into account.

It is frustrating to have talent and not have the motivation to do anything about it. Throughout this forum, the general consensus is that I need to take baby steps.

As far as those who think I just want to be patted on the back, it's not that so much as I seek to be understood. And if I don't feel understood, I can't take that piece of advice seriously because they just don't have all the information.

Thank you all for your input, and I hope I've made it clear enough that I do not think I am entitled, despite my words being taken out of context.

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