Am I really addicted? Or is it all in my head? Or is it both? And should I really care?

[Smedley]

Here is my story, coming from the mind of an OCD freak who struggles with obsessive thoughts and ruminations, and takes medication for it.

For a while, I've been taking 1mg of klonopin as needed (PRN). However, in the past several months, stressful events in my life evolved to the point where "as needed" eventually became more frequent, until I was taking it 2-3 times per week. Fearing physical dependence, I made absolutely sure to never take the drug two days in a row, always wary of the long half life. I also swore to never raise the dosage. So far, I have been consistent.

I would find that on days that I didn't take it, I could handle the stress of life just fine. I wouldn't find myself thinking "I need to take it" just to handle whatever stress was going on that day. If anything, the idea of taking it on a day after I took it would horrify me, even if I was EXTREMELY stressed out, so I was effectively addicted to the idea of NOT taking it. But I also noticed that TWO days after not taking it, the stress would become so bad that "as needed" would be, in my mind, completely justified. So I would take it again. Then follow the same process.

OCD sufferers obsess with their schedules. This has to happen that day, at this hour. The next day this has to happen at this particular time? Why? Because the day before this will happen and it will impact what happens three days later. When the cycle syncs up just fine, I'm in heaven. When the cycle is interrupted, I'm in Hell.

Tuesdays and Thursdays are days that cause me "as needed" levels of stress because of all the crap that goes on there (thankless job, crazy girl I'm in love with at that thankless job, and this girl is at the root of my obsessive thinking), so that's the routine I've been on for the past two months now. For some reason, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays never stress me out so bad that I feel I need to take klonopin "as needed", no matter how stressful they are. Saturdays and Sundays are weird. That's when more than two days have passed that I've not taken a klonopin "as needed," and during those days the stress that comes from the obsessive thoughts and ruminations (originating from the crap that happens on Tuesdays and Thursdays) becomes so bad that in my mind I say this is "as needed as all hell" and I take it for ONLY one of those two days, usually Sunday. Then Monday comes and I can handle the stress.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I can always find a reason to take klonopin, because I'm usually stressed out to the extreme by the bad situation those days. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I go out of my way to find a reason to NOT take a klonopin, no matter how bad the stress is. On either Saturday or Sunday the stress gets so bad that I need to take it one of those days.

I've told this scenario to my doctors, and asked them if I was suffering from withdrawal on the days I don't take it. They don't think that I'm suffering from withdrawal. They think that I'm just under a massive amount of stress due to my life situation, and on the days I take the klonopin I'm less stressed out, and on the days that I don't take I'm more stressed out. That's it. They're not even sure if I've developed a psychological addiction.

I'm not sure if I'm addicted to klonopin, or if I'm simply addicted to my schedule, of which klonopin has become a part of.

Next week I take a paid vacation, so I'll be away from that job, away from everything else that causes me stress. I don't know what will happen. If I find myself trying to find reasons to take it on Tuesdays and Thursdays, does that mean I'm addicted? If I use this vacation to go cold turkey and see what happens, and if I start getting nasty anxiety and insomnia, does that mean I'm addicted?

And if I am, so what? I'm not sure if the klonopin schedule is helping or hurting. But if I'm psychologically addicted, what's the best way for a schedule freak like me to take it fewer times?

[notfred]

I've told this scenario to my doctors, and asked them if I was suffering from withdrawal on the days I don't take it. They don't think that I'm suffering from withdrawal. They think that I'm just under a massive amount of stress due to my life situation, and on the days I take the klonopin I'm less stressed out, and on the days that I don't take I'm more stressed out. That's it. They're not even sure if I've developed a psychological addiction.

Good. There is your answer, move on.

There is a big difference between tolerance, dependence, and addiction. You are at best describing only tolerance.

[bpladybug]

well...I think you are ruminating and obsessing about this

It was hard for me to read your post

but you are only taking 1 mg K a few days a week??

no big deal

if you find yourself wanting a K while on your vacation

sitting on the beach or whatever I would not call that 'addicted'

trust your doctor's opinion on this subject

I have used a vacation as a good time to reduce my xanax use

not go cold turkey, but reduce the frequency I take it

if you want other ways to combat stress then work with a therapist

on stress reduction and stress management skills

[notfred]

Addiction is where you no longer have control of how much you take and do things like exceed the prescribed amount or dosing. That does not sound like what you are describing so quit calling it addiction, you are just working yourself up by calling it that. Addiction is often an inflammatory word.

[jt07]

I took 3 mg of Klonopin EVERY day for three years. I did not become addicted to it though I did build up a tolerance to it so it was no big deal to simply quit taking it. I think you are obsessing unnecessarily over it. Your doctor told you that you are not addicted. I would believe him if I were you.

[eldorado]

<snip>

I would find that on days that I didn't take it, I could handle the stress of life just fine. I wouldn't find myself thinking "I need to take it" just to handle whatever stress was going on that day. If anything, the idea of taking it on a day after I took it would horrify me, even if I was EXTREMELY stressed out, so I was effectively addicted to the idea of NOT taking it. But I also noticed that TWO days after not taking it, the stress would become so bad that "as needed" would be, in my mind, completely justified. So I would take it again. Then follow the same process.

I'm feeling for you. The idea of being addicted to not being addicted, do they even have a 12 step program for that?

Listen to you doctor and take they pills, almost all pdocs I've come across are super wary of benzo abuse and addiction, if they say it is helping you, you might want to trust them.