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I'm so tired of thinking bp all day. I feel like it's so unhealthy. Whenever I do something I regret, my first impulse is to blame the bp. Granted it's overtaken some of us who're struggling with meds. But the rest? Well, for me, I think I'm using this as a comforting crutch against my flawed life. What of the protestant ethic (i know, they were probably bp too B) ) ?

I like helping others here...but is there any way to move on from the bp already? and spend less than 50% of the day thinking about/pondering it? What's a healthy amount? maybe 5%?

stymied,

7

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Hi 7.

We've had a lot of people move on from CB.  Sometimes they stop back in, sometimes not.

This can be highly engrossing, and consume too much of one's time.  I have bills sitting on the floor that need paying, but here I type.

I have cut myself off for as long as a month at a time. Then they made me a mod, dang it. Though I do hope that I am helping people.

If you think you are spending too much time here, you probably are. Go live life, CB will be here when you need it.  No apologies needed.

A.M.

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Perhaps visiting less is the answer. Some of us who are still trying to come to terms with our diagnosis... okay... maybe just ME... find that reading other people's experiences here, and simply chatting with some people in a place where I don't always have to be a shiny happy person is helpful.

If I had to make a top 5 list of things about myself (as an introduction, let's say) bipolar wouldn't make the list. It would make the top 10 though. When I'm not here I think less about it.

I like it here. I don't feel like I'm wallowing in my bipolarness here, although I could see the temptation.

Just as I see the temptaion to use it as a crutch, just like you stated.

Just like alcoholism, a MI like bipolar isn't going to go away. AQcknowledging that and admitting I need help with it, and a support system, is a key thing for a loner like me.

This isn't a refutation of your post, simply my take on whether it's healthy for me to hang out here as much as I do.

InfoNut

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I come here to try and accept that I have bp. I'm working on not flinching or making faces everytime I here pdoc or tdoc mention that I have bp. I was feeling a little stuck in a rut of CB being the only place I would go on the iinternet. I decieded that I would visit the parenting message board I went to before I was dx with bp. I think that I may have found a balance. Best of luck with what you choose Seven.

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I come here to try and accept that I have bp. I'm working on not flinching or making faces everytime I here pdoc or tdoc mention that I have bp. I was feeling a little stuck in a rut of CB... Best of luck with what you choose Seven.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Now I feel bad. I Think CB is Wonderful, Absolutely Kicks Ass. I am not leaving.

I just hate having bipolar enter my head every other paragraph or sentence in my head. That doesn't seem healthy. umm, ok, probably typical growing pains.

*slinking off now*

7

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Heya 7,

I've been reading a tonne of books on being crazy since being dx'd crazy three months ago.

I sometimes think that's all I do, learn about craziness.

You're not the only one!

--ncc--

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thank you ncc! Whew, I was starting to feel embarrassed. I love learning about it all, I've even been accused of being a pdoc in disguise at a bp group. ;)

But, do you ever feel like your dx has kinda overtaken your psyche? For me, it started with innocent interest and figuring myself out, moods, causes...now I feel like--it's my shadow!

7

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I come here to try and accept that I have bp. I'm working on not flinching or making faces everytime I here pdoc or tdoc mention that I have bp. I was feeling a little stuck in a rut of CB... Best of luck with what you choose Seven.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Now I feel bad. I Think CB is Wonderful, Absolutely Kicks Ass. I am not leaving.

I just hate having bipolar enter my head every other paragraph or sentence in my head. That doesn't seem healthy. umm, ok, probably typical growing pains.

*slinking off now*

7

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm sooo sorry. Please, don't feel bad. The first month or two I was diagnosed I thought about being bp all the time. But then... I don't know, it just doesn't seem real.

Atsiv

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Does no one else feel stuck, mesmerized, obsessed? How many of you feel you're stable but spend too much time grappling with the idea of bp. Ah, perhaps, it's just me, fascinated yet again by another new toy...

7

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Oh, I was going to describe my wacky feelings about BP but I don't feel I am stable!

I used to feel stable. Does everyone have to keep upping their meds all the darn time?

I am really getting tired of it.

I have a hard time grappling with it because I feel like I am just making excuses.

I feel guilty and crutchy a lot. It was easier when I was just a wacko and thought

I was from Mars.

Sam

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I hear you on the crutch thing.  Whenever I have problems I tend to blame them on my mental craziness. 

I don't have any answers for you because its something I'm trying to figure out as well.

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But, do you ever feel like your dx has kinda overtaken your psyche? For me, it started with innocent interest and figuring myself out, moods, causes...now I feel like--it's my shadow!

I commented months ago that I seemed to have acquired a diagnosis in place of a life. I've tried to break out of this feeling, but it's difficult to find myself and achieve wonderful things (or at least tea with a friend every so often) when I spend 2-6 hours a week in therapy and medical appointments, six hours in class, and ages on end doing (and notdoing) my homework, and must somehow juggle a loathsome, inconsistent, underpaying job on top of it all. I'm too busy trying to find free food which fulfills my dietary requirements and feeling like an incompetent failure to muster more than a half-hearted doomed attempt at wresting my life back from illness.

So everywhere, I am stalked by BP, but I am also stalked by ADD, mistakes, recalcitrant joints, lack of focus, exhaustion, school stress, personal stress, and major, major financial stress. If I'm trying to "have a life," BP isn't the half of what's holding me back.

Any manic millionaires around? I could sure use a scholarship.

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I am not leaving.

Noone's kicking you out.  But how about not visiting so many times per day?  And limiting your research to a few hours a day?

I regularly take breaks from the BP stuff, including the boards, and (except for today when I've been a mess) I try to only check email once a day.  I find that if I spend all day thinking and talking about BP, I become the disease.

It's hard to feel like you have a life if you're obsessing about one narrow aspect of it.  Yes, you have BP, but you're also a unique human being.  The BP has likely prevented you from engaging in all of life.  I know that has been the case for me.  But since my therapist has encouraged me to limit my internet time, and has given me assignments of things to do like hang out with regular people and go for walks and play with the cats and make a point of listening to beautiful music with my eyes closed, I feel more like a whole human being.

It takes practice.  You're still learning the balance.  Patience, grasshopper.

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I went through a mildly obsessed phase when things were worse and my diagnosis was new.  Now I'm starting to have a life again, and most of my energy is going into making sure there's something there in that life.  That said, I'm still having symptoms (anyone wanna watch me rock while I type?), and still reading on here, but less frequently. 

Bipolar disorder *is* fascinating. (In addition to being life-destroying, etc.)  And it's okay to have a hobby.  For me, there came a time when I realized that talking about my meds and moods on lj was isolating me from other people, and that's when I realized it was a problem.  A healthy amount is the amount that entertains you while not isolating you from other people. 

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But, do you ever feel like your dx has kinda overtaken your psyche? For me, it started with innocent interest and figuring myself out, moods, causes...now I feel like--it's my shadow!

7

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Oh my god, 7.  I was just talking to my therapist about this yesterday! I won't get into all of it because it's long and involved and I don't want to bore the community with the minutiae of my crazy life but in a nutshell we were talking about illness and identity (which has also been talked about a lot on this board), the medicated vs. the non-medicated self...all of that stuff.

Anyway, I definitely have a problem separating my healthy(?) self from my diagnosed/bipolar self.  She said instead of focusing on the times when you feel ill because of the bipolar, clue in to the times when you are well and functional.  Get in touch with those moments and identify with them.  By getting in touch with those occurrences, maybe things will even out the scales a little bit and you will identify more as being a healthy person.

I'm going to try and do this.  Maybe you can too.  What do you think?

Karen

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First I want to thank all of you for your wise advice and thoughts. You're all definitely helping me to work through the practical side of getting myself to stop being so bp-centric. And I hope anyone else in the seductive grip of bp will benefit.

Thank you, Atsiv ;)

Noemie, I was toying with the hobby idea as well. You're right, it is ok.

NARS, I'm going to try to be more disciplined about my activities...and hopefully those bp-related thoughts will stop haunting me.

lmnop, when you find that manic *billionaire*, let me know (could use a trust fund) lol

Karen, great set of ideas. i'll try...but I'll confess, it's also the allure of bp mythology, as well as a specific gateway to self understanding that normals aren't often granted, an aggrandized look in a blurry mirror one tries to clear by staring harder, hypnotized. Is knowledge power? Or an unhealthy obsession? I don't separate between my dx and me. As seuss would say, "I am who I am." It's slippery territory, the naming, the overlap, the fusion, the ethics of defining ideals.

:)

7

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