My pleasure (all good feelings) is what I deem as my personal life. I must have that back. Or someone dies. It won't be an innocent person who is trying to help me recover my pleasure. It would instead be someone who mocks me by telling me to accept my absence of pleasure. How could I possibly accept something that renders me and my life of no good value whatsoever? You say that there are other good things in life besides pleasure. No, I do not believe that. Not in the least bit. This is because, from my personal experience of depression and anhedonia, my thoughts and such without my pleasure are just neutral conscious experiences to me. They have no life and are just nothing more than neutral sounds, images, phrases, etc. without my pleasure. Only my pleasure breathes life into those things and makes me and my life good. There is no transcending experience whatsoever from my thoughts and such alone without my pleasure. Again, it has nothing to do with me attributing neutral value to those said things that is making them neutral experiences for me. They really are all neutral in of themselves without my pleasure and it has nothing to do with me attributing neutral value or any other value to them. I live life to experience it and to be transcended by it. I am not some bland person who is fine living a life like some robot or someone who just lives life like a job and nothing more. I am more profound and greater than that. Therefore, I need my pleasure back to regain that said profound and great life.
If you were to make me watch a video of Hitler slaughtering the innocent Jews, I would perceive Hitler as being a bad person. But I would also realize that this version of bad is neutral (fake). Feelings of suffering are the only true bad things in life while feelings of pleasure are the only true good things in life. Therefore, if Hitler didn't have any feelings of suffering and only derived pleasure from slaughtering the Jews, then that pleasure would make him a good person. But since the Jews experienced feelings of suffering, then that would make them bad. Why do I say this? It's not because I am some sociopath or anything of the sort. Sociopaths have little to no empathy. I have empathy. If I saw Hitler or someone harming someone or some innocent living creature, I would feel very sorry for that living person/creature. However, I would realize that the psychopath would actually be a good person for deriving pleasure in harming that person/innocent living thing.
So, again, why do I say this? It is because my personal experience of depression and anhedonia (absence of pleasure) have made me realize that pleasure is the only truly good experience in life. I now realize that our thoughts and such without our pleasure are all neutral and are all neutral conscious experiences. If, let's pretend, I never had depression or anhedonia, then I would truly perceive Hitler as being a horrible person even though he derived pleasure from harming all the Jews. Therefore, you might then say that my depression and anhedonia have distorted my perceptions. But this is false. I now have every reason to believe that pleasure is the one and only true good thing in life. Please refer to my other packets which contain arguments and reasonings supporting this claim.
So as you can see here, we have good, bad, and neutral (neither good or bad). But the version of good and bad that comes from everything else in life besides our feelings of pleasure and suffering, they are all the neutral version of good and bad. In other words, they are the fake verison of good and bad. If this makes no sense to you, then allow me to explain. We would not refer to everything else in life besides our feelings of pleasure and suffering as being good or bad. We would instead refer to them as all being neutral. We would instead refer to feelings of pleasure as being what is the one and only good thing in life while feelings of suffering would be the one and only bad thing in life. Even if those neutral things only served to bring us and/or others nothing but suffering or pleasure, we would still not refer to them as being good or bad. Even if seeking pleasure only brought us and/or others nothing but suffering, we would still not refer to pleasure as being bad since it is always good since it is the true version of good. It is a version of good that is independent of our thoughts and moral values. It is a feeling version of good. Therefore, our value judgments including everything else in life can never define it as ever being bad or neutral. Same concept applies for our feelings of suffering. It does not matter what you say such as that seeking too much pleasure will cause a chemical tolerance and cause you an absence of pleasure and suffering, or if you were to tell me that other things in life besides our pleasure benefit our survival much more. Pleasure is still the only good thing in life since it is a feeling version of good and it cannot be defined as bad or neutral as I've said before. Same concept applies for our feelings of suffering.
If you were to stub your toe and inflict pain upon yourself, then that brief moment of pain would make you worse than Hitler. As a matter of fact, Hitler would be a good person if he had no feelings of suffering and had feelings of pleasure in a given moment from harming the Jews as I just said before and am saying here again to make myself clear in this paragraph (argument) as well.
Also, if I were to somehow perceive me and my life as being good and worth living without my pleasure, then that good perception would not be good at all. It would only be neutral and I would only be fooling myself into perceiving it as good. So people who have depression and/or anhedonia (absence of pleasure) who perceive them and their lives as being good and worth living anyway without their pleasure, these people are only fooling themselves. Everything else in life besides our feelings of pleasure and suffering that are claimed to be good and bad, that version of good and bad is a decoy and people must realize this so that we can find better treatments/cures for depression, anhedonia, and suffering in general since our pleasure is what is the only good thing in life and it is that much more vital that we have it in our lives.
I will add one last thing from my other packets here because this packet is a brief summary and I want to include this important point in this packet as well. This important point I want to make is that we are only in our own minds and not in the minds of others. We can only feel our own pleasure and suffering and we cannot feel the pleasure and suffering of others. The pleasure and suffering of others is only a neutral thought from our own perspective. When we feel pleasure from someone else experiencing pleasure or if we feel suffering from someone else experiencing suffering, that is all our own feelings of pleasure and suffering and we are not experiencing the pleasure and suffering of those other people. Therefore, since we can only experience our own feelings of pleasure and suffering, then it is only our own feelings of pleasure and suffering that matter to us and are the only things that define us and our lives as being good or bad. The pleasure and suffering of others should not matter to us since they are all just neutral thoughts and we cannot experience their pleasure or suffering. Our own pleasure and suffering should be the only things that matter to us in life either in a good way (pleasure) or a bad way (suffering). Other people should not matter to us at all. But even so, my family and other innocent people matter to me greatly regardless of this cruel and harsh truth I have discovered. This is because I am not some sociopath as I said before and I would not treat my family and other innocent people like they are nothing more than slaves to me.
So I was browsing and came across this article in a site I often read. They usually post humor related articles, but with interesting stuff. This is an article by one of their writers who suffers from depression,and pretty much describes in my opinion, what it is like to be depressed. I'd dearly like to give this to some people I know who just don't seem to get it...here it is:
By Alien Navel Cord
So my psychologist performed whats known as a QEEG (Quantitative EEG) on my brain a few weeks ago. He told me the FDA just approved its use for determining the parts of the brain effected by depression and bipolar disorder, on top of seizures, which is what they were already approved for previously.
I was made to stare at an object roughly 12 feet away for my eyes open for 2 minutes, and then close my eyes for 2 minutes while the machine collected the data. He let me view a brief overview of the brainwaves, and preliminary glances concluded that I had beta spindles at the correct Hz for bipolar. He then said he would send it to a panel of neurological experts in Florida who will compile a 200 page report that will indicate what my brain is doing and where, how fast it is running, and what precise medications would be best to target that specific area, thus eliminating the use of the "med-go-round". Also, before the QEEG I had to answer a series of questions that he marked down. He said I answered YES to 15 out of 20 symptoms of seizure disorder, which he says has now been confirmed as a link between bipolar. He said I can find the scientific articles at pubmed.gov and there is evidence now that a lot of people diagnosed as bipolar actually have a new kind of seizure disorder that they've discovered. This explains the correlation between the anti-convulsant medications and the use of them for bipolar disorder.
My next appt is oct 7 so the results should be back. Looking forward to seeing exactly what is going in with my brain!
Hello. Here's my introduction. I am new here and I've been searching for a place to vent and hopefully find someone similar to me. I don't want sympathy; I want others who understand how to live and progress in life in this condition. But first I'd like the community’s advice as to what exactly is wrong with me.
So what am I like? With people, I am usually distant and reserved, unless they are easily dominated. Then I take over the conversation and interaction is easy as pie. I sometimes get in scrapes with authority (not the police though) because of my attitude. I don’t have anyone I’d call a “best friend”, and most of my “friends” are mere acquaintances. There is no one I’d spend time with rather than be alone. I haven’t had someone to my house for “fun” in about 2 years. I put minimal effort in classes, and sometimes go a full class period without saying a word. It’s because, again, I put in minimal effort. Let the others discuss and work. I get by just fine. I’m probably the smartest in my class.
What goes on in my mind? I despise people. I often think there’s no purpose to my life, and what I want to be is impossible. I’m not suicidal, but I wouldn’t mind if I died tomorrow or even today. I often think how if my entire family died, I wouldn’t mind. I didn’t grow up in an abusive household, as far as I can remember. I just don’t care about anyone else.
I love seeing people in pain. It makes me laugh. Seeing destruction brings such happiness to my heart I sometimes think I’d like to be a terrorist just for the destruction. Seeing a person crying is so satisfying. I don’t cry for others, but I cry when I think about why I live and I don’t have any reason. I cry for the lost whatever others have. But I think they’re foolish for taking themselves so seriously; life isn’t worth it.
I’m atheist, and I despise the religious, the moral, the political, the martyrs. But I do have a collection of imaginary friends, I guess, which I call “beings”. They’re kind of a pantheon of gods for my morals. They get me through the day; they help me with my decisions. They’re basically the people I’m looking for on this forum, though I’ll doubt I’ll find any.
I have _ beings so far; I create more when it is needed. Though once created, they rarely leave. I also had some anti-beings, some which probably were my lost innocence. Also my beings have colors. I’ll just put them here because I’ve never told anyone about them.
The first is a male black cat with blue eyes. Its color is blue. It is the being of Ambition. He was the first, and he is my primary consultant.
The second is a woman with blonde hair and red eyes. Her color is red. She is the being of destruction. My fantasies of murdering those close to me often involved her and the black cat.
The third is a king. His eyes are a dead yellow, and his color is yellow. He is the being of power. He speaks very curtly and reminds me of my destiny to rule the world or something like that. He speaks very rarely, but is always there.
The fourth is a girl with red hair and gray eyes. Her color is orange. She is the being of manipulation. She helps me fool people and be nice and caring and normal. She was originally kind-hearted, but she understands manipulation and is empty-hearted like me now.
The fifth is a mirror image of me, a girl with brown hair. But she has green eyes instead, and her color is green. She is the being of hatred. She understands me most, and she is reminds me of how terrible everyone is. She makes me hate them even more than I already did.
The sixth is a male white cat with purple eyes. His color is purple. He is the being of perfection. He helps me achieve what few goals I have. With him I can be perfect.
I also had a fantasy where I’d lock up I guess my true self, the innocent one who cared and stuff. I tried to kill her but I just couldn’t do it. I can’t live without her alive. So she is just unconscious somewhere in chains and wounded and bloody. I forgot about her.
I know one characteristic of sociopaths is their lack of restraint and frequent conflicts with the law. I haven’t ever broken the law, because I try to keep my freedom. This is an irony in my life though because while I’m trying to keep my options as open as possible for the future, I don’t have a future to plan for. This results in a strange feeling of stagnation, and I don’t know what to do about it.
So anyway, this has been a long post. I hope my question will be answered, and comments would be appreciated. Thank you.