Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org
Sign in to follow this  
CirclesOfConfusion

Questions re: specificity of therapy approaches

Recommended Posts

I managed to drag myself out of bed and make it through class. Its a 3 hour class. Now I feel just exhausted, rather empty, still anxiously overwhelmed and jumpy, and still very very irritable. I feel that agitated buzzing in the back of my head and upper body. I just took another .5mg of ativan (can't do more all at once because its a 45 minute drive back) and ate some lunch in my office.

I have a p/tdoc appointment on Tuesday. Normally I have been doing every Friday for the last 2.5 months, but not this week (t'giving). I don't know if I should call in today or what. I doubt he will have any remaining openings today. Tomorrow I work the entire span of his office hours. Mondays he doesn't take outpatient appointments. I don't know if this is urgent enough to ask for special accommodation. I don't know what to say that will get anything but the chronic frustration the last 3 visits have been. I don't know if this is a good time to be messing with start-up effects of any new meds to squash this. Most of the time he's seen me high functioning and mostly anecdotally heard about the lows. I don't know if he will finally take me seriously about things feeling more complicated than the vague MDD-ish non-Dx he's always based everything on. I don't even know what *THIS* is.

Somehow I have to get my classes through finals in the next 3 weeks and grade all their work. I'm already behind on grading because I have not felt in the right mindset to pass the appropriate judgement consistently across 60 portfolios of work. I've crashed during semesters and dragged through it before but there are certain higher stakes in the game this time around that feel like they're sliding toward lost causes. I just really feel like shit and feel overwhelmed by the sense that whether I'm doing well or not impacts a lot of other people. I feel guilty for that on top of everything else that's just me fucking up my own life.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think he needs to see/hear about the agitated buzzing/irritability.

You sound like you're in a horrible place, and I hope something helps.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks, Red. I'll keep in mind the other stuff we talked about too.

Instead of going straight back to my other workplace to take care of stuff I was supposed to do, I went home first intending to take a short power nap to try to get through the rest of the day. I ended up knocked out for most of the last 13 hours so now its 5am, I'm still in yesterday's clothes, I've flaked out on yet more stuff that needs doing, and just still feel pretty crappy. I have to be back in class 4 hours from now to teach 6 hours straight. I feel slightly better than 24 hours ago, I'm not bawling right now and the agitation partially subsided. I just feel like an irritable pile of apathetic mush that's hard to pry out of bed for another day. I guess that means I should call p/tdoc even though I really don't want to.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So Wednesday was a horrible clusterfuck (multiple contributing factors) and I blotted out all 24 hours of t'giving with ativan because there was no way I was going to be chilled out and cheery for holiday dinners.

I am losing my employer-based insurance January 15.

This kills nearly all potential for changing p/tdoc anytime in the foreseeable future. I can get COBRA but then my insurance premium will cost 3-4X as much and at the same time my salary drops 1/3. (COBRA payments will eat up nearly half my paychecks) Welcome to insane academic hiring/firing/shuffling/oops-we-made-a-scheduling-mistake-and-didn't-tell-you-til-2 months-too-late-to-do-anything-about-ti. This was entirely preventable if someone had not made a mistake about their own schedule, and had not neglected to fix it in a way that didn't fuck me over completely. I could have made alternate arrangements in 3 other ways within the same employer system that would have retained my full time status. *IF* I had known in time. This is not my opinion, this is fact from the people who would have welcomed those alternate arrangements. Oh, and an apology would have been nice but that party holds mainly to the idea that they're doing me a favor with whatever leftover scraps of a schedule I happen to get. Beggars can't be choosers, eh.

If I sound bitter it is because I am right now.

I can't afford to pay more and I can't afford to pay 2 different docs. Seeing a 2 in 1 who had frequently given me pro-bono visits is the only way I've had ANY treatment at all for long stretches of the past several years. Ineffective as he is in helping me move forward right now, I have to believe that at least he is a safety net and point of contact with some sort of mental yardstick.

And this is only one of three major triggers to go off in one afternoon. Getting verbally accosted by someone with no right to even butt in on the business at hand let alone proceed to reprimand me with an incomplete set of information and an agenda of their own (note: I am technically in a position of authority over this person) blew the lid off any remaining shreds of emotional control for me. I cannot get into details publicly here but a few CBers know some of the back story here. It is a FUCKED UP situation.

This on top of feeling fucked up mood-wise and still with no reasonably defined course of treatment action to rely on as a guideline is making me feel far more crazy than really is necessary. I am sincerely confused about whether to treat certain issues I have that overlap Dx criteria in various ways. P/tdoc is perpetually in a "wait and see" or "lets talk about it some more" mode. I can't just keep living the same crazy episodes over and over again indefinitely in his passive way. I need to DO something and have some sort of guidance I can trust there along with me.

Is this too much to ask? I am not saying I am some special one-of-a-kind snowflake. What I am saying is that I am generally quite high functioning but I most definitely need help to treat the distinctly less well-functioning parts of me that threaten to bring down the whole house of cards. Those ill-functioning parts have already majorly fucked up other past opportunities and thwarted achievements and I see them threatening to swamp the whole boat if I don't get at the root of the problems better and sooner.

I feel backed into a corner or up against a cliff like a small animal and prone to lashing out irrationally like such. I apologize in advance if I look like I'm starting to do that. Call me on it firmly but logically and I will back down, I am a house-trained animal in that regard.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, fuck. I am so sorry. And angry. And I don't even know the half of it.

Now, it is triage time. You are right that you need some safety net for meds and a reality check. Maybe that is all for now. I look back and wonder whether my wheel-spinning therapy was not significantly worse than useless, especially the parts I spent saying "can't you look past the depression and see what else is wrong with me?"

I don't think that all of the standard emotional outlets are enough, but they are a safety valve, and they might carry you a long way toward a place in which you were covered for more thorough help.

If I had it to do over again, I would not medicate every potential second diagnosis as such, but I would also insist on a therapist who acknowledged every symptom and worked on the assumption that it would end up very well controlled, at a minimum, and possibly even healed. Much easier said then done. That is why, in your copious spare time, you might cast a wide net for less-qualified cheap or pro bono counseling of some sort, to act as moral support until you get in a better insurance situation, which I hope will be possible.

I actually think you are kind of a rock star for bearing up under that professional strain. I am glad for your loving BF of 10 years; I hope he is helping you with it.

I feel bad for being AWOL on this. We had a family situation. I know you have tons of support here, but I wanted to say "thinking of you."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

OK, so after all this serious reconsidering of p/tdoc situation and what I *think* I should be looking to get out of therapy and which MI-ish issues/symptoms I think are my most disruptive problems... a curveball.

Yesterday's visit started with another discussion about the massive amount of things I feel are overwhelming and out of control right now. And somehow I ended up leaving with a highly unexpected suggestion of inattentive ADD as an underlying problem and a 20mg Ritalin script in hand. :blink:

When I have time later today I do have questions related to that that I will ask in the appropriate forum. In terms of the original purpose of this thread, well, since I am losing my employer insurance in a month the prospect of changing docs is a moot point for the moment. I am stuck with him for the near future on a reduced frequency schedule just for dealing with meds. COBRA premiums are nearly 3x what I pay now (plus my salary will be lower) and will eat up any money I would have been able to use for separate tdoc copays. Awesome.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

  • Similar Content

    • By Blahblah
      Just bailed on my teletherapy with a new therapist.... I'm trying this online therapy site (due to quarantine) and I really want to quit. Every week I dread the call and feel like it's not helping me. I don't feel upset, I just feel avoidant, bugged, apathetic, like I'm not "in the mood" to talk at all.... Yet I know it's "good for me" and I'm stuck. Feeling guilty...
      The initial therapist I had (6 sessions with) said she is making a "career transition" and is suddenly no longer be available. She was nice & whatever, but really too green,( I was about to switch anyway). They assigned me to another person  and I don't really connect with her profile (haven't talked to her yet) I just feel so much resistance right now....
      Maybe I'm not committed enough at the moment. I don't know what's going on...?
    • By Blahblah
      I've seen dozens of therapists for 20+ years, it feels totally counter-productive at this point (at least for chronic depression). I always end up feeling worse (before session and after session)....I've read most of the books they suggest, tried all the CBT, DBT, Mindfulness....Longterm therapy is also a huge financial burden. 
      I'm feeling really done with processing shit, repeating stuff over & over. All the talking and tracking moods makes me much more self-absorbed than I already am. Then nothing really changes!!! Despite my efforts.
      Meds are not helping either, so I feel like a hopeless case. Maybe I just stick to the emotionally numbing meds and just accept that this is my life and I can't change?
      What are your experiences?
    • By Blahblah
      I regret not dropping this tdoc after the 2nd session. There are great therapists and terrible ones....just because they have a PhD and experience, doesn't make them brilliant or amazing. Who's on your bad therapist list? The patronizing, blaming, insensitive ones? Or ones that don't listen, understand, or communicate clearly? They make assumptions, judgements, no clue.
      I kept my cool, dignity and respect, despite getting shut down with an earful of patronizing comments (obviously trying to trigger me or chase me out of the clinic, one of the two). Invalid assumptions about me, none of which resonated at all, not true to my experience and dude left me no space to interject. Simply expressing disagreement with him means I'm "oppositional" Hmm. OK.
      2nd session was told I have a "lack of commitment and effort" toward my mental health. How insulting, great. Are you f&cking kidding me? 20 years of therapy, loads of self-help, discipline, hospitalizations, med compliant, healthy lifestyle. I've DONE a lot of work. Stuck with all therapists consistently. I keep going and continue to try. WHY ELSE WOULD I PAY AND COME SEE YOU 6 TIMES?
      The reply....."(gives exaggerated sigh) Obviously, you've never had any therapists that have challenged you before, they probably let you talk... this is why you haven't recovered. I'm experienced, LOADS of my clients fully recover in 3-6 months"   How presumptuous, you know nothing of my previous therapists or me yet, maybe I'm not like "all your clients."  🙄 
      [Edit : Endnote] The session ended on a most dis-empowering note. He said (with a pity look in eyes) "Maybe you won't and can't get any better, or change, maybe you should give up, you shouldn't even try...."  I have never in my life had a therapist encourage me to give up and not try.
      In fact, that comment is exactly what pushes a vulnerable client AWAY from seeking help. A client like me, who has struggled with decades of hopelessness. Thanks for nothing insensitive asshat.
      Many ways to lose a therapy client. End of Rant.
       
    • By Blahblah
      I wonder if I have too high expectations, am jaded or a hopeless case. But I've only had 1 Therapist in 20+ years of regular therapy that I felt was pretty decent, who helped me progress & feel better (and I've seen at least 15).
      Beyond obvious traits like: good listener, observant, empathetic, caring, dedicated, positive, clear communicator, transparent, proactive, validating, non-judgemental, intelligent (and someone who simply just understands & "gets" you.) Nobody's perfect, but..
      What other traits, qualities, behaviors make a great therapist? Have you ever had one that totally meets your criteria?  I am so sick of settling and trying to find someone who can really help me. I give everyone like 4-5 session trial at least. Maybe I just need to quit altogether, go at it alone and try harder to help myself 😢
    • By Inanlae
      Mine is radical acceptance.  It centers me.  I had a ring made, with the initials "RA" to remind me.  Honourable mention to "ride the wave" and "opposite to emotion action."  More reminder rings to come.
×
×
  • Create New...