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I have a hard time trusting people and an even harder time sharing my feelings. I have been reading some of the stuff shared on this site and I realized maybe I don't have to deal with this alone anymore. The normal people in my life don't have clue and when I try to explain I get these blank stares like OMG, I don't want to know this. It is easier for them if they can just pretend I am normal too. They diagnosed me with bi-polar disorder about 4 months ago. I have the one with the crazy highs and the evil lows. I have been self medicating for more years than I remember until I ended up in a hospital within days of dying they say. They said I had taken too many of my happy pills and that I was starving myself to death. Apparantly the only thing I was eating was pills. I don't remember alot of the last few years and none of the three months leading up to July 5, 2012. I detoxed at home with my daughter and husband watching over me, keeping me from pills and keeping me from hurting myself. Two weeks later I was in rehab. Rehabs pdoc diagnosed me. I don't disagree with the diagnoses. It seems right on to me. Now I take Saphris, Lithium, Wellbutrin, and Lunesta. I feel everything and with much intensity. The meds keep me from getting overwhelmed by them mostly. The anger is the worse to pop out and singe those around me. My husband is done, I think. He is not speaking to me, for the last two days. That is not normal for us. But I think I might be done also. I was using prescription drugs to escape from something that was making me unhappy....But I am terrified, what if I crash again??? What is the right answer to any question??? My mind feels like hurricane is loose in it and I am never sure if what I feel is real, or what I think is going on is really going on. What if I am wrong??? My perception is so off. I don't know if I can trust myself or anyone else for that matter. Are the meds not working????

Edited by Treluna67
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Hi, Treluna. Welcome to CBs. I may be biased, but we have a great community here full of crazy people, some of whom are Bipolar, have an addiction history, are having marriage issues connected to the previous two, etc.

Now, I am just a crazy person on the Internet, but you are currently coming off as agitated/anxious to me. If this is a persistent thing, I do suggest contacting your pdoc (that's a psychiatrist around these parts.) It is wonderful that you accept your diagnosis, indeed that you see it as an explanation for many things. I felt similarly when I was diagnosed. Many do not feel as we do, not right away, and so while our path can be far from easy we do have one hurdle cleared already.

I was diagnosed BP about eight and a half months ago, and though we seem to have figured out my mood stabiliser quickly, the pdoc and I are still playing around with my other meds. It can take a while for some to find the right meds, doses, etc. for them. It doesn't necessarily mean the meds aren't working, because as you wrote you do seem to be experiencing benefits, but further tweaking may be required. This is normal, but it is important to keep your pdoc in the loop about your symptom management.

A good tdoc, that means therapist, is also worth their weight in gold. Losing control when I was ill was very traumatic for me, and I struggled with trusting my perceptions, my very self. But I found a wonderful tdoc at a community health centre and he helped me to work through a lot. Do you have a tdoc? They, or your pdoc, may also be able to help with explaining your illness to someone(s) close to you whom you want to try educating.

Whew! Still with me? :3 Good. When you are able, be sure to read our user agreement. You can PM mods and admins with questions too. And, I hope you like CBs.

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Thank you Miron. That all makes sense. I don't have a tdoc yet but I agree I need one and soon. I will also talk to my pdoc about the anger and feeling anxious. I should have when I saw him last week, but I was so tired of changing meds. It did feel better just to put my feelings out there. Honestly I even got anxious that maybe no one would reply, LOL. Thanks again.

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CBs is *your* place to vent, to seek support andcommunity. :3 It is that for all us crazies. Vent in the forums, blogs, and chat as much as you need.

I hear ya on the being sick of changing meds thing, just unfortunately we are all little med guinea pigs until we hit that right combo for symptom management. Nature of the game. And, it is also a good idea to not be switching meds or doses too quickly, to really give them a chance to work or for SEs to go away, unless there are major symptoms that need to be brought under control ASAP, those rare side effects almost no-one gets, other health concerns, etc.

I am glad you will talk to your pdoc. :3 That's what they are for. Good luck with finding a good tdoc. I do not currently see one but am contemplating seeking one out again soon for some stressful anxiety inducing things, ugh.

I know that fear of not getting a response oh so well. But we are good about it here, regular users and staff alike.

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Welcome to CB! I think that Miron gave you some advice---it sounds like you need to be talking to a therapist.

One of the things that some of our folks with bipolar do is to keep a mood chart. It's helpful to go to the pdoc and the therapist with a chart of where your moods have been over the past weeks or months. The more information they have, the better they can do with prescribing the right meds for you.

I hope you like it here and find some good information and advice.


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Hi Tammy, and welcome to CB. Posting here can certainly help you feel less alone, as it seems there is always at least one person who understands what you are going through. Four months isn't very long to be diagnosed, and you may not be on the right medication yet - hang in there, and I hope things get better.

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