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It goes without saying that everyone hates being depressed, it's the worst fucking feeling in the world...I was on Narcotics for so long that my body is still in shock from being off of them -- but I am in legit fucking pain. This is not detox pain, this is muscular shoulder/back pain, how I got on opiates in the first place -- using prescription strength acetaphetamine and IBUPROFEN for pain relief is like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound, very subtle relief.

So I ride the roller coaster of mania/depression. Day to day, hour to hour. I suck it up, put on a smile, say whatever, I can deal, there are people out there whom are way worse off than me blah blah blah, I write about it to vent in my journal every day just to let it out.

I realize nothing is going to take away my physical and mental pain like a Narcotic and I am having a hulluva time dealing with this. It's a rock and a hard place. Do things, keep busy, simple tasks can cause my muscular injuries to act up, then I feel like like whine ass for complaining. I am my own worse critic. My heavy moods bring my partner down, I feel like a jerk for feeling so blah, but it's like fuck I can't help it, I wish I was BETTER at hiding my true feelings all of the time.

She has her own set of issues with pain from a medical condition but refuses to take narcotics, she doesn't like the way they make her feel, and she has PTSD about personal relationships and addicts.

Am I an addict? Sure as shit...but in the sense of, well, instead of taking 2, I took 4, and at one point I was playing around with a very dangerous cocktail and I know I am lucky to be alive...did I ever knock over a pharmacy or steal to score? No. Did I ever buy it off the street? No. Was I ever an IV user? No...but it's all apples and oranges right? If you're an addict you're all lumped in to the same category.

I have no desire what-so-ever to become that again. I just want the pain to stop. I don't want to be Manic Depressive -- I refuse to rely on a life long happy pill, to me, the long term effects of anti depressants are ridiculous, one might argue that the long term effects of narco's are as well, which is valid, however, looking at the side effects of say Prozac VS a Perc 5 (for example) makes me wonder why they stopped prescribing Morphene to depressed people back in the day. I never took a narc that made me bleed out of my ass or gain 20lbs in a week, feel worse (suicidal thoughts/banging head of kitchen counter). Aren't you fucking with your brain/body just as much if not more by taking an anti-depressant or mood stabilizer? I couldn't function on some anti-psychotics I was prescribed in the past -- I became an emotionless zombie...couldn't live life, sorta like being depressed only you don't feel so your not sad, just so sedated sorta like being high, but not euphoric, just dumb. It all seems so hypocritical how one is justifiable but the other isn't (maybe this also depends on where you live and such) so I am nervous about seeing a PDOC these days. I am nervous about an alternative pain management clinic, cause guess what? I want it to stop now.

I don't know how much longer I can tolerate this shit -- Pain = Irritability.


The solution is simple. Yet so conflicting in my situation.

I love when someone says they're taking Lortab for HEADACHES...I wanna come through the computer and smash their fucking skull, got a headache now???

I try to avoid triggers but they're everywhere.

No escape. Feeling hopeless. Fake a smile. Stay calm.


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I'm sorry you're in pain. Physical pain sucks, and of course it affects your mood. I have never been offered pain medication to just have around for my migraines. But I don't resent people who are given it. What good is that doing for you?

Have you ever taken any sort of class on how to handle chronic pain? I already saw a pain psychologist, and it was mostly about practicing mindfulness. Also, I am hearing that bio-feedback works for some people for controlling pain.

And you do realize this is a pro-psychiatry, pro-med site, right? I don't have much interest in rants about the horrors ADs, and how they harm your brain ( bullshit, read something other than Scientific American), or other anti-meds "cures."

Calling medication "happy pills" just demonstrates how little you know about medication. It isn't like ACs and ADs and AAPs, etc. are pleasant or fun to take. The side effects can be really awful, until you find something that works. But I would like to be euthymic as much as possible, so my life isn't just reeling from one chaotic situation to the next. And of course I am trying to avoid the worst case scenario, which is death.

You think taking psychotropic drugs is easy? Fuck you.

If you are not going to be medicated, your life is going to be pretty tumultuous. You may be okay with that. Is your SO okay with that?

Your brain is already sick,. Why would you leave an illness untreated? And many meds are actually neuro-protective, and some even repair prior damage.

Unfortunately, you need to keep trying different meds until you find something that works. It isn't fun. We all have had to do it. It took over a decade of trying different meds until I found a cocktail that finally stabilized me. I basically lost most of my 20s and my early 30s to depression.

And I find it the height of delicious irony that someone who immediately presents himself as a opiate addict, would sneer at "happy pills."

Edited by crtclms
I obsess too much

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Being manic depressive/completely fucking nuts/crazy/your favorite term plus detoxing is no fun. Every now and again I accidentally lose a pain patch in the shower/forget to change it/stubbornly don't take my pills and turn into a 95 year old psychotic bitch who feels like all her joints got lit on fire. It is not fun to deal with pain and be crazy.

But you better bet your ass I take my crazy pills, all 6 or 7 (however many there are these days) and like it. Because except when my opiate runs out (my fault/carelessness), it's what keeps me semifunctional.

My point is, be nice to the crazy pills. Soon enough you will find one that is nice back.

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