Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

I want to die


Recommended Posts

I am in the mixed state from hell.  Horrid depression coupled with frenetic energy, the kind that makes me have to move at least one part of my body at all times.  I know that everyone would be better off without me.  My seven kids, my husband, everyone.  I'm nothing more than a fuck up that can't keep her shit together for any length of time, even with meds.  I just suck and don't deserve to be alive.  My kids would be so much better off; then they'd have some needed stability.  No one deserves a bipolar mother.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey, now. That is The Mixed State from Hell talking, NOT you. Please remember that these feelings won't last forever, but anything permanent that you do now, will. Your kids love you and they need you- yes, you. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Period. And that is just as true for non-MI parents as for MI ones.

If you took a poll on this board of people who lost their parents to suicide, I'm sure they would tell you, that their parents killing themselves has hurt them more and worse than the depressions that their parents were tackling. I have relatives whose parents killed themselves, who are now in their 60s, and STILL suffer emotionally from that one choice their parents made.

Please call your pdoc. Or go to the ER. The process of finding the right meds & therapy to manage bipolar can take years- that doesn't make you a fuck-up. It means you have to keep trying. For your husband, and your kids, and yourself. If what you're on isn't cutting it, that isn't your fault. It does mean something has to change. So call, call, call.

You absolutely deserve to live. No one with enough love in their heart to parent seven children could be considered undeserving. Please hang in there & get the help you need (and yes, deserve.)

~Faith

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your suicide is not going to provide stability for your seven kids.  They will be in a state of turmoil and grief for an indefinite amount of time.

Please talk to a therapist about this SOON.  If you need to go to the ER do it.  Just please get help.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Waterfall,

I just don't believe the world would be better off without you.

For some reason Jimmy Stewart has similar feelings every Christmas.  Piano practice really bothers him too.  But then he realizes it isn't true, his family loves him, he has freinds, and things work out.  I wonder if he is BP?  He never seems to remember the lesson. ;)

I was pretty spun up and raging around 3 weeks ago. Getting on my meds heavy finally slowed me down and quieted the negative thoughts rolling through my mind.  I've been through this a few times now, and am starting to get the hang of understanding what the symptoms are and what meds to take, and that I need to call my Pdoc.

Lets take care of you:

- Take your medicines as directed.

- Did your Pdoc give you any rescue meds for mania?

- CALL YOUR PDOC NOW!  TELL THEM YOU ARE IN A MIXED STATE AND SUICIDAL

- If you cannot get hold of the Pdoc and think you are going to hurt yourself:

- Go to the ER

- Call 911 and tell them you are suicidal.  They WILL help you.

Don't be embarrased or afraid to get help.  You don't have to be in agony.  The docs can ease your pain very quickly. Don't let the disease win by whispering death in your ear.

Let us know how you are doing, please.

A.M.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your kids need you.  They can't replace you.  I think any child would be better with a BP mother then one that killed herself.  I know how hard it is.  I feel like the world would be better off without me too.  Are you able to talk to your husband about this?  Can he help?  Have you talked to your PDoc? T?  Do you have a PRN you could take? 

Please get help.  If not for yourself then for your family.

Take care

Link to comment
Share on other sites

call your PDOC ASAP. You ran out of Abilify today, correct? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE believe us all when we tell you that suicide wont solve anything. If you cant reach your pdoc head to the ER they will be able to give you Abilify and help you stabilize.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was feeling the same way this past summer and I know how much it sucks, how

much it hurts and how much it fucks with your perception of things.  With 7 kids

this must be so hard to go through, but they love you & would be lost without you.

Please call your pdoc or head striaght to the ER.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm glad you got your meds back and certainly hope it helps.  Koodos for calling the pdoc too.

Listen... when you hear yourself saying things like "I'm a complete fuck up... they would be better off without me...  I just want to die..." it isn't reality talking.  It's the disease and it's nasty little trickster side that comes out to torture on the down slope.  Don't listen to it.  Yeah, I know, easier said than done, but get your brain distracted in a book a movie (can't believe your not distracted 24/7 with 7 kids already!).  Anyway, find a way to shut it up for a while until you get your bearings.

Right now you say you have no way to kill yourself anyway.  When you figure out how to or start devising ways CALL FOR HELP!  I've been to the other side a couple of times and I promise you, waking in the emergency room and then being shipped off to a mental clinic is no picnic.

Big hugs

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks everyone.  I managed to pull myself out of it by sleeping for 12 hours and getting my meds.  I'm still not in a particuarly pleasant mood, but  I'm having a birthday party for my daughter today so I need to pull my head out of my ass.

Thanks again, it really means alot to me to have such great support here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...