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WTF? Depressed? Bipolar? BPD? Just generally fu...


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So I started effexor about a month and a half ago. At first I really liked it. It made me calm, my sleep was going better, my irritability was much reduced. I had a great time meeting my new classmates. I even started feeling like I could let my body image issues go.

But then a few weeks ago it started souring. I didn't feel calm. My sleep started going haywire again - ambien would knock me out, but I'd wake up again 4 hours later and toss and turn with anxiety dreams for the next few hours. I felt like my empathy stores were non-existant. And now it's to the point where I have trouble sitting still at work, trouble sitting in class, doing homework, and am generally going between bouts of instant intense anger, and then the next day I'll be giddy and loud and semi-inappropriate, and the day after that be beating the shit out of myself and thinking my life isn't worth anything. I'm just broken, there is no hope.

I saw my pdoc two days ago and he seemed concerned. We discussed lowering my effexor dose (from 150), but I was going to stick it out this weekend and then give him a call. He also gave me clonazepam. I had to take one at work earlier because I couldn't stop getting up and bouncing, or muttering "you are such a piece of shit" to myself. I almost gave my boss the finger (he absolutely deserves it, but really, I can't be doing that...) Sometimes the moods fluctuate hourly...and I try to remember that, but when I'm in the middle of them it seems unbearable.

My PDoc thinks my mom is BP. My TDoc thinks she's BPD. This matters to me since one is genetic and the other isn't. My PDoc is flirting with the idea that I'm bipolar, but my TDoc doesn't think so. My aunt is a recovering alcoholic and drug abuser who I haven't seen since I was 12. That's the extent of my family so I feel like I have no one to go to. I don't want to freak out my fiance. I just can't handle this anymore. I feel like I'm a piece of shit, some things are just so broken they can't be fixed. My TDoc thinks my mom is BPD, but I think maybe I am, and that's the problem and that's not something fixable...it's just me. Ugh. I just needed to get that out. It's not that I don't have good things in my life, it's that I know I will ruin them, and I can't enjoy them anyway.

Has anyone experienced this before? Should I call my PDoc? I don't want to bother him if I'm just exaggerating this. Anyone have experience with problems like these and then they going away?

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emma

as always, i respond with disclamer, someone with better knowledge, more supportive skills or the like will come along and give you better answer. that is my own mindfuck. whatever.

i can quite relate with what you are saying because i too have had these things thrown at me;

the clonazepam, the effexor;

the borderline label

the bipolar label

my docs have no opinion of my mom that they've shared, beyond the possibility that i came from an emotionally invalidating household. maybe.

celexa 30mg, with depakote, clonazepam adjuncts tried..

celexa 60mg made me go what might be called hypomanic. hospital.

put on effexor and seroquel from there. i was up to 150mg effexr and then i went off everything and that was major suckage.

i'm on lithium now.

anyway.. the message i wanted to relate to you is that you may feel broken, but there is hope. when it feels like there's no hope, hang on.

if you are feeling very unstable and like you might do something to harm yourself then call, page, tell anyone you can. if all else fails get thee to er.

i do know the hesitation not to; i feel like i live crisis to crisis (in part as i ignore the OK times inbetween the crises). i doubt my own symptoms. i hide away from everyone and everything because i don't want to shit on them.

but there is crazyboards, and your fiance, and you can come here to vent and get hugs from your fiance (like nice long calming hugs or something)

and don't think this is the end of your rope or the end of your options. there's LOTS to try. keep fighting.

There are many here who can understand.

pj

<who hopes she isn't being an ass/saying the wrong things>

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Emma,

Sorry I have no experince in any of those areas.  I just wanted to say there is hope.  There always is.  We all have our ups n downs.  Today has been a really bad day for me.  Not a bad MI day but everything else that could happen has ;)  

Maybe you should think about telling your fiance.  You need someone there for you and who is better than him.  He will be your husband someday and he should know about this.  He loves you hence why you're engaged.  I would suspect he'd want to be there for you and to help you through or you wouldn't be engaged in the first place.

Trying to get through this on your own will always be tough.  You need people around you to give you reasons why you are loved.

You can always come here and talk to us.  PM me if you ever need to talk.  I have started a Cymbalta thread in this topic area that really explains whats going on with me.  Over time I have become very open and people have noticed and admired me for it.

I wish you the best!

B

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Emma...

First off, BPD is NOT a death sentence.  It's not "unfixable."  It's a learned coping mechanism which has basically outgrown its usefulness. 

If your Pdoc told you to call him this weekend, or even mentioned it... and you feel like you want to, I would do it.  You're not bothering him- he's already outright told you it would be fine, or maybe even recommended it.

Your fiance is there to support you, and I bet he would rather know about all of this stuff, because he loves you and wants to help. 

I have a really atrocious headache right now and I'm trying to type through it, but I'm not thinking clearly... sorry. ;)

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Thank you for the suggestions everybody. I am feeling a bit better this morning. I did mostly ok last night at a social function too. I thought about it there and thought about the fact that I have some good friends. We're all kind of fucked up in our own ways but we all listen to each other. I have a hard time asking for help because I hate being a burden, and I don't trust my feelings. I feel like I'm just a drama queen hypochondriac. I don't want to talk to my fiance about this because I'm afraid he'll think I'm too fucked up. Or I'll scare him.

Anyway, I have a horrible headache so I need to go, but I wanted to say thank you for listening.

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