ativan taking away negative thinking?

[dancesintherain]

So I have a problem with lots of self-defeating or over-analyzing or generally negative thinking about myself. I know part of it's low self-esteem...rehearsing stupid things that I've said or done (though guessing that others might not remember them), thinking that I'll suck at whatever I have coming up next in my job, etc. It's really bad at the end of a work day, even if the work day's been great.

Today I realized something weird though...it seems like the negative thoughts go away or significantly reduce themselves after I take the ativan dosage. Is it possible that all the negative thoughts are anxiety? And is it possible that the ativan's helping with them? It seems strange, but I figured I'd ask in case someone had an explanation/also felt it happening.

[jarn]

I think it makes sense. I tend to think negatively when I'm anxious, so I experience something similar.

[crtclms]

My anxiety looks kind of like this: I am planning to make Y happen. But what if something goes wrong? I better have a back up plan. What if Y doesn't happen at all? I'll have to do this. What if X doesn't happen, and delays Y? I'll have to do that. What if it rains? What if I get lost driving over there? What if a pig flies out of my ass? I have to have a plan for every possible contingency, and I am always afraid there are contingencies I have forgotten, or haven't even thought of. Because after all, I am a huge fuck-up, so something is likely to go wrong.

I get into my turn lane several (mile-long) blocks before I need to, because what if there is a clump of traffic, and I can't merge? I am the worst driver, I am a menace [this is what I am thinking].

I buy twice as much as I need of everything, because what if something happens, and I can't get back to the store on time? I'm the laziest person ever.

It doesn't sound like a big deal when you write it out, but in my head, it is going a million miles an hour, and I am worrying about a million different things all at once. It is exhausting, emotionally, and physically, too. My body is rigid all the time.

Anyway, that at least *feels* pretty negative to me, maybe that's not what you mean by negative thinking. So Xanax diminishes that a good deal for me, and I can tell if I've forgotten to take a dose. I would expect lorazepam would have similar effects..

[CirclesOfConfusion]

Yes, I feel the same way all day as what crtclms described and exactly like what you, dancesintherain, say about the end of the day. At the end of the day even if I feel like I did an extra good job I often sabotage that positive moment by questioning it with "well, you thought you did good that other time but then got blindsided by criticism so you should play it 'safe' and think of all possible ways anyone could criticize your performance and don't let yourself feel too good about today because it will just make the inevitable next blindsiding worse in comparison". Which feels both logically defensive and illogically exhausting at the time, then just plain crazy whenever I write it out like I just did here.

I don't have a daily Ativan dose, just PRN. But when I take it to shut up the extreme versions of what I wrote above it does go a long way to quieting that stuff down.

[notfred]

Anxiety tends to increase negative internal dialogue.

[FlamelessCandle]

Clonazepam definitely decreases my negative thinking or "worry loops" as my pdoc calls them.

He says that when I worry about the same things again and again (which I do) it's just like wearing down a path inside my brain, so that each time I think those negative thoughts, it's a little easier and a little quicker to make the loop around that well-worn path. At least for me the benzodiazapine reduces the number of times I have the same or similar negative thoughts, so that the "worry path" doesn't get as established or worn down into a path quickly and/or easily.

I don't know if that made sense (you'd have to know my doctor; he is an old-school psychiatrist who does therapy and prescribes meds.... and he's good at using common sense examples or analogies to show me what I'm doing and then why/how I should stop doing it.

[albertolobat]

Clonazepam also does this to me, so I expect that Ativan would also help in that deparment.

The bad thing is that right now I don't find it as effective as it was before.

Maybe I gained some tolerance to this particular effect.

[dancesintherain]

Sorry it's not as effective albertolobat.

Thanks everyone. The thought patterns are the kinds of things that crtclms and circlesofconfusion described. Were it not so far exaggerated, it would just look like I'm a good planner (e.g. leaving in order to be there on time...but that's only because I left five times the amount of time that it's supposed to take, because who knows if every single route is going to be closed, and then I'll have to find a way around...but I suck at directions, so I'll get lost and my phone's gps will die. And then I'll have to call the foster mom and I'll look like an idiot...obviously a trivial example, but you get the point!)

Flameless, your post makes complete sense. I didn't bring it up with my pdoc b/c we ran out of time, but it helps to get a sense of what's going on.