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gizmo

Hitting bottom

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And I don't know where else to put this.

I've been having a depression for a month. It's not getting better. Pdoc suggested trying emergency zyprexa, but it didn't really work. So pdoc upped my Zoloft beyond the 200 mg max dose to 225 mg.

I'm so depressed I'm hitting rock bottom. I slept till 11, then went back to sleep at 1:30, slept until 5. That was 3 hours ago and I plan on going to bed early.

ETA: and that's with taking vyvanse that keeps me awake all day.

I'm so desperate to escape from the reality I'm in right now that I'm ready to take desperate measures. I won't say what it is, because I just can't admit that I've hit so far down that I'm even willing to consider it. I can't even tell my doctors or my hubby that I'm considering this because I will probably get a huge setback in my care and probably a trip to the hospital.

My pdoc is off tomorrow, but I'll leave a message anyway. On one hand, I have so much going on with school and getting my car fixed (finally the gals insurance accepted fault for the claim) and hopefully I can simply immerse myself in these things until the pdoc comes up with an alternative.

Any ideas as to what I can do to get through this? It's the nights that I have the most problems with.

Edited by gizmo

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Gizmo,

I really feel for you. Depression is the pits. As far as getting through the nights safely, are you able to do anything at all to distract yourself? Movies, books, video games, knitting, solitaire are some ideas off the top of my head. Also self-soothing activities, like putting on lotion or perfume, taking a long bath. Or calling someone, e-mailing someone, chatting here at CB. The key is to get yourself through the dangerous time. Are you able to sleep at night at all?

Also, I know you don't want to, but if you are really unsafe you owe it to yourself and your family to tell your spouse and doc, even if it does mean a trip to the hospital. So many people care about you and are rooting for you. Please keep yourself safe, anyway you have to.

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Oh, gizmo. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

mal has some great suggestions. Anything I can do to get myself out of my own head seems to help me. Right now, that seems to be video games.

Setting a small goal for the next day also helps me. I know it's crazy, but even if it is something simple, like picking 3 things from my closet to donate to Goodwill, it gives me something to cling to. I tell myself "you need to get through today so you can do that thing tomorrow, don't forget about the thing." It's a distraction from the mental hell in my brain and that's all that matters. (Tomorrow's thing is going out and taking some pictures in the woods around my house. Just 2 or 3.)

I understand your feelings of not wanting to tell anyone about harmful thoughts. Because if no one knows, no one can stop you. That's a pretty big red flag that you really do need to tell someone. Just the telling, knowing that someone knows, knowing that they will feel betrayed and blame themselves if you do something - sometimes that is just enough to pull you back over that edge.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. My brain goes on short circuit at night, and my anxiety spikes and I have a hard time forming cohesive thoughts.

If you take anything away from this post, know that I'm reading, I empathize, and I want things to get better for you. I don't want anything bad to happen to you.

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I'm sorry you are feeling so bad, gizmo. When I am feeling low, I try to stay in the present moment and not to get lost in my thoughts, specifically negative thoughts and worries. I believe it is called mindfulness. So when I watch TV or read, I try to stay in the present and focus on the plot. The same applies to other parts of life. Just don't allow yourself to withdraw into your head.

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I'm sorry things are such crap for you right now. mal and Cranky had great ideas. If you are able to sleep at night, do it. Try not to stay up ruminating. The more you sleep at night, the less you may sleep during the day. Try to get something tangible accomplished (change the toilet paper roll, wash five dishes, fold three towels) before you let yourself go to sleep during the day. Each task you get done will help you feel better and you won't feel so guilty for sleeping during the day. If you can force yourself out the door to walk around the block, the extra blood flow to your brain will help a lot.

Whatever it is you don't want to talk about, please, please, please talk to your spouse/therapist/pdoc/trusted friend about. Better a trip IP than something horrible happening. I ALWAYS feel better once I tell, ALWAYS. Even when telling gets me taken to the hospital. Being IP isn't so bad-- you can sit around and eat pudding and play Scrabble while wearing comfy clothes. Please tell. Maybe telling us here would be a good step, because we don't have the capability to put you IP. Break the hold the bad thoughts have over you. Give yourself a break. You deserve it.

Be well.

ETA: jt07 has great ideas, too. Mindfulness is a beautiful thing.

Edited by dedoubt

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I'm so, so sorry that you're deep in depression, Gizmo.

I have found chat useful in the past when I had thoughts of harming myself. I'll wander in there if you'd like to chat.

I empathize with you. Depression is just.... ugh. You've been through it before though, you can get through it again. And we're here to lift you up. You've been going through a lot lately, judging by your blog. Try not to be too hard on yourself. As Jt mentioned, try some mindfulness. I've used this before and it helps me.

I think you should tell someone about your thoughts. You could try telling us.

I'm listening and thinking of you. You're often in my thoughts because we started school together, fiddled with loans together and we're both going into health fields. I'm always wondering how you're doing. If there's anything I can do, please let me know. Just typing this out, I realized just how much I care about you. Please treat yourself kindly.

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Thank you for all your kind words so quickly.

School is actually keeping me going right now. It gives me something to strive for and look forward to. Cranky said to think of something to look forward to tomorrow, and mine is going to the math tutor at school to finally try and figure out these problems that I don't understand.

Someone said telling you the bad thing would help. So here goes:

The bad thing is taking lots and lots of my pain pills to get that numb feeling. My Librium is dosed out daily by hubby, but my pain meds aren't because there's no way of telling how much I'll need and when. So I just have free access to them. And I need to keep it that way, because some days are worse than others.

Which is so stupid of me to want to do this, because I have such a high tolerance for all types of pills that I could read War and Peace after an injection of morphine. I think it's just the idea of giving up control of my brain and thinking to something else.

I guess I could buy a bottle of booze, hide it, and get shitfaced drunk in the house. That Carmel vodka does sound interesting.

Thanks again for the thoughts and posts. I'm hoping tomorrow is better.

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Should you decide to drink please please please be careful.

I don't want to know what carmel vodka tastes like coming up, KWIM?

May Monday be a better day and a good start of the week for everyone.

take care,

db

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I'm sorry that things are going so badly. Please don't drink if you are over-using pain medication. It is just too easy to make a mistake. And please talk to your husband. He loves you, and wants you to be safe.

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Hey gizmo. Sorry to hear you're feeling so rubbish and that things are going so bad. I won't really make any suggestions since the others who've posted seem to have covered anything I might have said. Just one thing: I don't know too much about pain pills but please remember, alcohol can make you impulsive. Hope you are safe.

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Is there a way of saying to hub 'This is what I feel like doing, can we talk about it and make a plan to keep me safe without sending me right to hospital/locking up my meds?' It sounds like these thoughts are a fantasy to get you through, because you want some relief. That is understandable and sometimes if you can tell someone, they don't gain momentum in your head. You know right now you are vulnerable, don't make it worse by trying to manage it on your own. Hub loves you, I am sure if he believes that you have come to him early in good faith to make a safety plan, he will respect that.

By not sharing it with him, you're not giving him a chance to help you, and should things go wrong, he will be really hurt by that and you will probably feel pretty guilty.

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hmm...regarding the pain meds? Are you supposed to say, take one or two tabs every 4 hours? (for example) Maybe your hubby could monitor them by setting out the right amount (and max amount) that you are allotted per day as per your doctor. So, if you are allowed 1-2 tabs every 4 hours, it would be a max of 12 pills a day. That way you wouldn't have a bottle full of 90 pills available (or however many you get per month).

I hope that makes sense. I just know how helpful it is to me when my husband monitors my meds like that.

I hope you feel better soon!

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I am sorry you are feeling depressed Gizmo! Just wanted to say that I hope things start to look up for you. Everyone here has had a lot of good suggestions, and I hope maybe some of them will help you!

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Hey Giz,

Everyone's said such good things that I don't know what else to say. I do know that you were helpful to me when I went through my depression this past August/September. Here I am, starting to go through it again and feeling a lot of the things you're feeling.

I just want to say I hope that there's some kind of breakthrough. When depressions stretch on first for a month then two months, it's so painful, I know.

Just know I care and will keep you in my thoughts.

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