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chessierose

Is it just me or...?

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Absolutely. There are a few people I'd love to forget, one in particular, and if I could forget him I'd be a lot more carefree. 

 

Unfortunately, it looks like we're all stuck with getting over people the old fashioned way: lots of time, lots of struggle. But at least this way we will (hopefully) learn from our mistakes and take some valuable lessons with us into the rest of our lives.

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i had a couple of principals i taught under that i'd like to erase, but then i guess working for sociopaths makes working for other bosses something to be grateful about

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I spent the last 78 damn days and nights, trying to teach myself how to forget a man, that one particular, captivating, curious and confusing man and then I see him for one night when out for a mutual friends birthday, and now I can't think of anything else. I adore him so much it hurts, so much that I just can't bear it anymore. I just want to forget.

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Unfortunately, time is the major helper with forgetting.  However, just like the techniques we use elsewhere in life, you can distract yourself.

 

Every time he pops into your mind, be firm and push him out.  Watch a funny movie, or a scary one.  Play a guitar or some other musical instrument.  Put on really loud music and dance around your room.  Call your best friend and challenge yourself to have a long conversation without mentioning him.

 

You will never get rid of him emotionally if you don't work at it.  That's the sad reality.  But when you DO get rid of him, the rest of your life will begin.

 

olga

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My friend managed to throw in a curve ball. We were talking about the situation and he said 'but all these complications that have got in the way of you starting the relationship, they all seem bad, what is actuqlly good about him?' And I trailed off the long list ending with, and he gives me those stupid butterflies, the ones you got when you were a teenager, the ones I havent felt for years..and here are the words he said that have gone over and over in my mind all night; 'C, the problem is, is that you are saying it hurts because you want to forget him, the reason it hurts is because you don't want to have to forget him. If it were me, I'd hold onto that person really tight because realistically you know full well that in your adult life the people who give you the feelings you've descriped are rare to find'

People go on and on about how they want to find that special love, the type that makes you go weak at the knees...but they're wrong, because that's the exact type that causes this kind of heartache, the kind that makes you cry and scream and curse at the world because more than anything, you want them. It hurts like hell...

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I met a person after I started a relationship with my soon to be hubby. I felt attracted to him, and over time, became pretty sure that he felt the same way.

But like Olga said, time will help you forget about a relationship that shouldn't take place, no matter what the reason is. You just have to stop thinking about him when he pops into your head, not hang out with him, and certainly don't put yourself in compromising situations with him.

If you do that, you will eventually feel the same way about him as you do the boy at the McDonalds drive thru, only with a bit of nostalgia.

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The sad thing is, is that I know he feels the same. We had a sort of relationship.

The third person argument we had through a friend the other night said it all.

I said 'certain people need it literally spelling out to them when someone is genuinely interested'

his response 'well yes, certain people do need it spelling out to them, because maybe they are scared of rejection' 

But how obvious do I need to be? I went round his place every night after work, just to make him feel better, spent several nights there. How much more obvious can I be? Then just to top that all off, I got him a job, then I quit my job so he could keep his because my manager didn't want a couple in the office! But when I'd quit, he got so funny with my, got angry at me. Then we barely spoke for weeks, even when my best friend died for Christ sake, all i got out of him was an occasional blunt text. So I pretty much assumed he had ended our relationship. And yet he still decided to get all moody at me all the bloody time, like the night of the funeral, he called me and I didn't answer, just text saying I don't want you to hear me like this and he just replied saying well that's exactly why I was calling because I knew you'd be upset but okay....

Then, when the conversation of what actually happened the other night, he was like well you just stopped calling me....but what the hell, I tried several times but after a while you realise you're starting to seem desperate, back off and let them come to you and all that. And at the end of the day, I was having a complete mental break down, my best friend died and I'm also caring for my sick Grandmother, it's not like I could exactly be blamed for not calling, surely it would have been the right thing for him to I don't know....perhaps be there for me!

I'm really sorry for the ranting and life story here, I just need to get it off my chest. I'm so confused.

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It sounds to me as though the two of you had different ideas on what this relationship was going to be and where it was going. Did you ever sit down and talk to him about it?

Does the fact that you're not currently in one with him hurt because you're mourning that he's not as perfect for a relationship as you would like him to be?

I know it's hard. It sounds to me that the relationship you tried was very one-sided. You got him so much (a job!) And you gave up so much for him (a job again!) And it wasn't reciprocated. That's really rough and no wonder it hurts. Personally I'd have gotten resentful.

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He was never very good about talking about things, we never really had a real conversation about 'us'. We'd start and i'd say something like please don't hurt me and he'd just laugh me off and be like don't be stupid.

 

I understand what you're saying about the mourning that the relationship isn't as perfect as i'd like, but i think it's more him that captivates me in that unusual way.

 

Maybe it's because i know him deep down, and that he hides behind the way he is. He said the other night, he is a typical man except without the sleeping with anything that moves and no morals part. 

 

I'm pretty sure you're right, it was one sided but it doesn't make me feel less for him. I'm also trying to tell myself that I need to remember that strong bonds and attachment issues are part of being borderline. Doesn't make it any easier though. 

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