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TenantX

anger turned inward

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I had a rough day today. My life is very stressfull. I'm unemployeed and my wife is unemployeed due to health reasons that will not be fixed for several years. I'm looking for a job blah blah blah. Here's the thing I spent the first half of the day trying to figure out how not to lose my house and have me my girl my 2 cats and bulldog move in with the only relative that will take us in, half way around the country, I hadn't been doing so well all week but today was the worst.At some point I became more and more angry at myself for doing a terrible job at taking care of my sick wife(that's true not misguided bipolar thinking btw), for knowing i CAN'T handle moving from my house and finances and health etc. It's like all of that anger became directed inward and the self hatred was overwelhming. All I could do was think about killing myself, how I wasn't fit to be an adult because I can't handle a family or anything. That I should have already followed my grandfather's foot steps and killed myself by now. serious internal RAGE. Constant mental pictures of hitting myself in the ankles with a bat, stabbing my head with a knife but really it was more that I should kill myself. Then got even angrier because I have thought of suicide so many times but chickened out. So my wife wakes up from being in bed all day and wants dinner. She mentions she wants a salad. I know instantly I will not eat because I may be able to starve myself to death. I don't respond because I can't respond. She gets upset that I wont help her decide order dinner. She had no idea of how my day was going. I burst into tears and stayed in bed crying for a half hour. She eventually got me to come out and eat but...she wants to know what's wrong. If I tell her it's less likely I will hurt myself so I don't want to tell her. I want to end it have her get my big life insurance policy so she can be better taken care of than I can do.

 

So this is a first for my suicide ideation out of anger and self hatred. In the past it's been saddness or just wanting the bipolar episodes to stop because I knew even when they go away they will return. Do any of you ever feel this way out of anger and self hatred? Please don't tell me to get help etc. I have docs and meds and all that just freaked out that this happened.

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Yes, I have felt that way before, I'm sorry you are feeling bad right now.

Sorry if I stop making sense after awhile, I just took my Seroquel which is supposed to make me go to sleep instead of me being like a hamster on its little running wheel thing.

Anyways, most of my issues are anger and self-hatred related, I figure, "hey, I can't harm others or I will go to jail, so let's harm myself", and then I feel like shit for doing it, or I do it so that I don't get violent with people. It's a nasty cycle to get into it.  

Try to find as many distractions as possible so that you don't have time to hurt yourself.

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It sounds like you are doing your best in some circumstances that are e little beyond your control. So it follows that you may feel powerless and angry and turn that in on yourself.

 

Truth is, you are your most important resource. In order to get trhough this and be a good husband, the best thing you could do for yourself, even if you are mad, is look after you. She needs you alive. Your pets and kids need you alive. And you deserve to live even if you can't solve all your problems or make money, you are precious beyond the money you make. You are a human being this world needs you because you're one of us who is brave enough to look trouble in the eye and feel the pain and still get out of bed in the morning. There aren;t enough people in the world with that kind of character.

 

It sounds like you need some support of your own maybe beyond a pdoc and meds, though speaking to your pdoc isn't a bad idea. Is there a helpline, or low cost counselling service, or even a friend you can trust to talk about how bad things feel right now?

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Titania said it much better than I could. And we are in a *very* similar situation (except I have a *French* Bulldog). It looks like we have come up with a good compromise, but we were definitely worrying about heading back east and living with family. I hope you are able to find a solution you are happy with.

 

But the more clearly you can think, the better you will be able to handle the shit-storm.

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I have too.  All of this is good advice. 

 

Also, your wife is your ally.  Think of what might happen if you told her "I am feeling really upset with myself for not being able to take care of things better.  I can do it, but sometimes it's going to be really hard?" 

 

I don't know the two of you, but I personally would have had an easier time of staying out of the whole "want to hurt myself" cycle if I had been able to be more verbal about those feelings.  You don't necessarily have to go into specifics.

 

Just a thought.  Best wishes to the two of you, you have a lot to carry.

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