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So confused about my depression


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This may not make much sense, as a warning.

I find myself really confused about my depression lately.  I've been diagnosed with MDD, and from the reading I've been doing it looks like I may have dysthymia, but I've never been diagnosed with that.

I just feel like there's so much wrong with me at times.  I feel like I can't go out in public, sometimes I'm scared to leave the house, when I'm home all day I just sit around and do nothing, I don't make any effort to contact friends.  I don't shower daily, I have one pair of pants that fits and another I've rigged with a hairtie to make them fit (I know, it's actually kinda funny), and moreso than anything I just really hate myself.

And then sometimes I think, "well, why the hell can't I just get it together?" as if it's that easy.  Why can't I just get up and get out of the house, why can't I take care of myself, why can't I find the motivation to move more than from the office to the kitchen and back again, why can't I stop binging, why don't I keep the house clean, why don't I have any libido.. why can't I just quit this and get myself together?  When I'm like this I think somewhere in the corner of my mind that I'm faking it all for attention.  Like I just want something to be wrong with me so I'm 'different' (stupid, I know).  But then something will happen and I'll lose it again and I can hardly get out of bed or change my clothes or wash my hair.

Why do I feel like having a diagnosis validates me?  Is it wrong to feel that way?

My Dr. wanted to add 10 mgs of Lexapro to my Wellbutrin.  I'm so terrified of trying it.  I just keep reading about people who can't/couldn't orgasm on it, and people that gained a bunch of weight.  My marriage is already strained from my lack of libido, and if I gain anymore weight I will likely consider seriously offing myself.

Very, very confused.  ;)

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hi sd,

this makes a whole LOT of sense.

i spent about ten years going through the cycles of plunging into bad depressions, slowly climbing out and then convincing myself that there was nothing really wrong with me.

having a diagnosis is a HUGE validation. i was freaking ELATED when i got my diagnosis because it meant that there was a clear medical reason for the way i am and that i'm not the horrible person depression had told me i was. i had spent my adult life accepting what i told myself about me. what a loser i was, how ugly i was, how dumb, how useless. a never-ending littany of self-abuse. but with my diagnosis i began to appreciate that it wasn't ME doing the abuse. it was depression masquerading as me, using my 'voice' to do it.

DO NOT BELIEVE WHAT DEPRESSION IS TELLING YOU ABOUT YOURSELF. DEPRESSION LIES.

and depression is very, very real. painfully real.

it is perfectly okay to feel confused and scared. it is important to accept how you feel. don't pass judgement on yourself for how you are feeling.

above all else, remember that you ARE NOT ALONE with your depression. you can talk to us here and we will understand what you mean and how you feel.  because we have all been there too. many, many times.

i haven't been on the drugs that you're on, but if you go to crazymeds.us there is a TON of info on a zillion meds, including side-effects.

take care,

grouse.

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Hey SD,

I won't lie--my experience with Lexapro has been that it is indeed sexually incapacitating.  But I've read about people who are wholly unaffected by it.  I haven't gained a single pound from it though.  I read a thread in the SSRI forum where someone said that of the people she knew who took SSRIs, 2 of them gained, one lost, and five were neutral.  So you see, anything can happen!  The only way to know is to try it.  My experience has been that Lexapro makes me feel CCC--cool, calm, and collected--when it is working.

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SD,

Well. It appears we have a consensus. Your post is a perfect description of MDD; so perfect it could be quoted in a psych textbook.

Please read the replies you've already seen here. They are all true.

Depression doesn't necessarily feel from the inside what you would think it should from the outside. (If you understand that sentence, you get a shiny black star.) If you go to the SEARCH feature on this board and put in "shower" as a search term, you'll find that many of us have had trouble with basic hygiene. It feels so fucking lame to not be able to force yourself into the shower. No wonder so many of us feel like lazy fuckups.

Same thing with paying bills. During my last bout I couldn't bring myself to pay bills. The money was in my account, damnit. But I couldn't face the 1/2 hour task of opening the envelopes, stacking the bills in front of my computer and clicking on a couple of keys to make online payments. If you could match up my credit score with major depressive episodes, the correlation would be perfect.

Your worry that you're not really depressed but somehow faking all of this is a classic symptom of depression. How much more self defeating can you get than to believe that you don't deserve help because there's really nothing wrong with you except being defective and lazy. Machievelli couldn't have devised a more elegant method of self-sabotage.

Can't go out in public.          Check.

Sit around and do nothing. Check.

Don't contact friends.        Check.

Lack of personal hygiene.    Check.

Weight gain or loss.            Check.

Self loathing.                      Check.

No motivation.                    Check.

It's pretty obvious that the Wellbutrin isn't the whole answer for you. I've taken both Lexapro and Celexa and did not gain weight on either (and I can gain weight by just thinking about food). Maybe your doc can up the Wellbutrin dose if you add the Lex to offset any sexual side effects. But remember, depression itself is a known libido killer.

And remember, THIS DOES GET BETTER. IT WILL NOT LAST. YOU WILL FIND A WAY THROUGH THIS. It may not feel like it now, but it's true.

Greeny

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Same thing with paying bills. During my last bout I couldn't bring myself to pay bills. The money was in my account, damnit. But I couldn't face the 1/2 hour task of opening the envelopes, stacking the bills in front of my computer and clicking on a couple of keys to make online payments. If you could match up my credit score with major depressive episodes, the correlation would be perfect.
No one else, but another MI, would understand how a credit score can go south with money in the bank...

HB

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I wanted to thank everyone so much for your replies.  I love this place!

grousemouse:

Thank you for sharing a bit about yourself.  It's so nice to have found a place where people can relate to what you are saying and how you are feeling.  And not just relate, but can decipher words that mean nothing to others.  I have checked out crazymeds (that's actually how I found crazy boards... right before the split) and I've read up on the Lex and Wellbutrin.  I'm comfortable with how the wb's working for me, but I'm still so unsure about the Lexapro.  I've read good experiences and bad... it's hard to make a decision, especially considering that the side effects that many people are having with Lexapro are two major issues for me right now.

hollywoodfreaks:

thanks for your honesty about your experience with Lex.  I know that I really need to decide if the chance of side effects is worth it to me or not... I've been so wishy washy lately about the whole thing.  I think more than anything I'm mad that I've been telling my doctor about my libido problems and my weight/eating issues, and he's pushing an SSRI.  It's like the Dr's aren't listening.  I keep hearing how some people gained 10-15 lbs in a month and hadn't changed anything as far as diet/exercise.  I'm at the highest weight I've ever been and I don't know that I'm willing to take the chance  ;)

honkingbird:

I love your way of phrasing things :P   And you hit the nail on the head when you said that 'depression will tell you not  to tell anyone because they'll think you're crazy'.  I've been feeling like that A LOT lately, and a lot of the time I can only describe my emotions as 'close to completely 'losing it''.  I've talked to my husband and I'm going to see a pdoc, rather than just my gp (financial crap... it's not like I had to get permission :) ).  I think it would be good to have someone to talk to that will be able to prescribe meds as well.  Too many gp's I've seen just want to throw the most recent anti depressant at you and push you out the door.  I'll definitely keep posting!

Greenyflower:

Thank you so much for your post.  As with everyone else's replies, every single thing that has been said is just so familiar to me.  I skimmed the post when I got home and it brought tears to my eyes to know that I'm not going crazy (term used loosely) and that other people have been there.  When you said, "Depression doesn't necessarily feel from the inside what you would think it should from the outside" I totally understood (I earned my star, yay!).  I think sometimes people (meaning myself and others) spend so much time inside their own head that things can get very confusing.  It's nice to hear your experience with Lexapro... a good experience (well, as far as weight side effects) for once!  I've read so much bad stuff about the side effects that the good stuff gets pushed aside.  And now that I've used about 40 billion sets of parentheses, I'll sign off.

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Same thing with paying bills. During my last bout I couldn't bring myself to pay bills. The money was in my account, damnit. But I couldn't face the 1/2 hour task of opening the envelopes, stacking the bills in front of my computer and clicking on a couple of keys to make online payments. If you could match up my credit score with major depressive episodes, the correlation would be perfect.
No one else, but another MI, would understand how a credit score can go south with money in the bank...

HB

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I love this! ;)

(too bad I'm taking my husbands wonderful credit with me...)

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Hi SD~

I'm on WB and Lex, and I've actually been losing weight lately.  As for the libido...well, Ms. Right Hand is still quite effective, though I haven't had a real boyfriend in about five years, but that's another story.

Since you're on the WB, which is often prescribed to combat medications that make you gain weight or lower your libido, adding the Lexapro probably won't cause too much of a problem.

Are you on a mood stabalizer, though?  If you're BP, you'll need one to balance the effects of any SSRI you try.

Keep posting.  Good luck with the credit issues...I've maxed out both the Master and Visa, and I'm in college, so I'm also dirt-poor.  I just need to win the lottery, and I'll be all set.  But I can't afford a lotto ticket either, at the moment...

~CS

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