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I needs must die


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I am sorry about posting this here...I have no one who will read a last note or hear me crying. I feel really bad burdening you guys with this but I am hoping the delay will make the voice in my head, the one chanting KILL KILL KILL (myself) grow just a little softer...

I have no one in the world. No family, no close friends. My two kids were taken from me last summer and are in foster care because of my husband's cocaine addiction and my mental breakdown.

My husband was all I had left, and I just lost him today. After 2 years of lies and betrayals I had given him an ultimatum: if you are using I need to know. Just no lies. I don't even ask that u give it up if u can't. But I need to know cause it makes him psychotic and paranoid, which was the reason why our kids were taken from us.

He did well for the last four months. A job, no using, being caring and good to me. Gradually I started to trust him.

Today he came to visit (we don't live together-court order) and started using in my bathroom. When I confronted him he denied it. I gave him plenty of chances to admit but he denied it. I can tell when he's high; all I wanted was the truth.

I kicked him out. He later confessed by text message. I said I will not see him again, as agreed previously.

Now I am alone, and no one in the world cares about me. If (when) I die, no one will even find my body until it stinks. I undrstand now I am not loved, and I know I will never be. Too crazy, too shy, too weird.

There is no further point in living, the pain is just unbearable. This is the one person in the world who I felt cared for me, and he does not.

My soul is dead, the voice says. My ugly body is hateful. DIE DIE DIE she says.

I am sorry again to post this. these boards have been all I had when I was diagnosed, and for the weeks since.

What point to this. I don't think anyone here even knows who I am, all the same.

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freesoul,

i am listening to you and i am caring about you.

your world is being torn apart before your eyes. or so it seems. i grieve for how you must experience that. i cannot compare my own experiences to yours and offer you advice.

i understand that you are crazy. i am too. welcome to the way we are. but you and i are not alone. there is a whole community of people who are the way you and i are. crazy, yes, but particularly crazy in the same way you are. and in the same way i am.

freesoul, listen to me. do not act on how you feel right now. your husband has failed you. YOU have not failed. he used. that doesn't mean anything bad about you. and HE is not the 'last' thing you have left. you will always have you. and YOU are worth all the effort, believe me.

do not act on how you feel right now.

i am here and listening.

grouse.

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freesoul-

There are people who care about you.  I care about you.  I may not know you very well, but I still care about you. 

Your husband cares about you, too.  He has problems, and they seem like they're pretty serious- but that doesn't mean he doesn't love/care about you.  It means that his own issues are getting in the way of displaying that care right now. 

You say you were just diagnosed?  Do you have a good psychiatrist and a therapist that you trust?  Are you on meds? 

Please, stick around the boards and chat with me and grouse- it might not be much, but it's at least something.  Like he said, all of us know how you feel.  Everyone here has felt that way.  And (for whatever it's worth), we're all still alive and kicking.  If the 2 minutes it's taken to read my post have helped distract you at all- there are lots of other posts here to read that might help, too. 

If you can't shake the death whisper and feel you are in danger, please take yourself to the emergency room.  You are worth it.

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I have a good pdoc. I am on meds. It does not help, and may be making it all worse it seems...

I have a few deep cuts into my arm now, and then I chickened out...Thank you for caring. I was hoping maybe this little world would keep me going just for today, for now. As you can see I am still typiyng.

I am too afraid to go to the ER. they commited me last time.

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I'm glad you chickened out, freesoul.  I'm glad you're still here.

Like the others said -- we've all felt that way.  Sometimes the only way you can get through the day is one minute at a time...  Don't push yourself.  Take deep breaths.  And hang on.  We're here for you.

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Come on Freesoul, we're all pulling for you. If you can't hang on for yourself, or your kids to see you someday, please please hang on for us, ok?

We're all worried about you. Forget my other message about curing your addiction to crazyboards. Hang out here and post away, ok?

I see you're offline now. Why? Where are you? Come back!

lily

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I have a good pdoc. I am on meds. It does not help, and may be making it all worse it seems...

I have a few deep cuts into my arm now, and then I chickened out...Thank you for caring. I was hoping maybe this little world would keep me going just for today, for now. As you can see I am still typiyng.

I am too afraid to go to the ER. they commited me last time.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

freesoul, lots of us care about you!

and most of us have been in that darkness and take things a minute at a time

it's not just saying words, it's sharing the truth

please let us know how you are

spike

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Freesoul, don't be sorry for posting.  Posting is exactly what you should be doing.  Otherwise we wouldn't know how badly you need all of our support right now.  You did a very good thing for you, please be proud of yourself for that.

Sounds like the coke has gotten it's claws into hubby pretty bad right now and there is nothing you can do to save him from himself.  But your children are another matter.  Further on down the road, when this is behind you, your kids will be so glad that you fought to keep on trying, independent of whether they return to your care or not.  Knowing that you kept on fighting the disease will offer them much more than the legacy of a mom who didn't realize how lovable she was and bailed.

You are a beautiful, lovable person.  It is just so hard to see that through the MI.  And as the others have said You Are Not Alone.  We care about you very much.  Keep us posted on how you are doing.  There are a lot of worriers on board!  Sulu

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I am too afraid to go to the ER. they commited me last time.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Being admitted to the hospital is not a bad thing when it saves your life. I know.

Hang in there, if not for you, for your children. You can get them back. You don't have to give up, and we are here to help you. Many of us have experienced the pain, anguish and utter desolation of what you feel.

Give yourself a chance.

HB

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I just want to reiterate what some have said about your husband's problems. He didn't just decide that the blow was more important than you. I know it might seem that way, but if he's dealing with addiction issues, he isn't in control of his thinking any more than you are in control of yours when you're feeling suicidal and shitty.

He was clean for those 4 months? Are you sure? If he was and this is a relapse, he might not be out of the race just yet. He lied to you, and that's bad. You do need to protect yourself and refusing to see him is a good boundary. It may not be a permanent one though. He lied because he was embarassed and ashamed. He wasn't trying to hurt you, he was likely trying NOT to hurt you. I know that doesn't make it feel any better, but take it for what it is. Addictions and the bad behavior surrounding them, have nothing to do with the people they hurt most of the time. Got that? HIS ADDICTION DOES NOT MEAN THAT HE DOESN'T CARE OR THAT YOU ARE UNLOVABLE! *cough*

Sorry for the yelling. Whether you ever speak to him again or not, this is not the end of everything for you. You are appreciated here, and probably  in the physical space you occupy more than you know. Put your sharps away and take a nap. Call a hotline if you can't sleep. Leave a message for your pdoc and tdoc. You can get through this!

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Thanks for all the love, folks... from the bottom of my heart, thanks. Thanks  for your responses. I could not bring myself to the er last nigth, afraid that they will put me in there again...last time I could not see my babies for two months after wards. And while all other patients have flowers and visitors, I have no one to come see me (the kids are not allowed). There is no words for how that feels.

so I did what else I could think of and took a leftover zyprexa. and I slept all the way till now.

And now...well, now I don't know what to do. My dh called during the night and left a half dozen messages. I had not realized that he may be lying out of shame, since I understood that there may be relapses and was game about them...but all the same, these lies affect me so much that I may have to not speak to him for a long while.

If I can, which I never could before. He is all I have.

Oh, I feel so lost.

And somehow I have to keep working and writing exams and essays, and hide those slashes on my arm, and make sure I dont run for drugs as well. And try and keep sane. Seems like too much, I don't think I can handle it.

Yes, this is not the rigth time to quit CB. I will keep on posting if anyone's listen ok?

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Hang in there.  I know it's hard.  I feel the same way right now.  But we were put on this planet for some reason.  Every emotion passess.  Nothing is permanent, except for your choice to leave.  Please keep posting. 

Sending positive vibes in your direction, I hope you can find some peace for the rest of the day.

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We're listening, we're listening. Post away.

You mean too much to us, ok? I'm ADD too, but as long as you hit the return button every once in awhile, I can read anything.

Come on back, and post often!

lily

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Hey here we are afternoon...made it through the day. The zypreza hangover kept me relatively quiet, and my foster kitty (she's five moths old, playful and affectionate and generaly adorable) gave me some cuddles, and thanks for the words of encouragement and cyberhugs (yes I do like them!) and the positive vibes.

I have a pdoc appointment on Thursday...my current meds are tegretol 400 mg/day and clonazepam, sleep pills prn. They were not cutting it even before this. My doctor was consisdering Welbutrin at one point but I think he is skitish about it because I have a lot of anxiety and mixed states...all the same, I never feel good and would like to try something else.

I have to have the courage to bring it up and insist I guess. Those repetitive evil voices in my head they scare the jesus out of me I hate them but sometimes they go on with their crappy thoughts and I cannot stop them.

I made it to the obgyn today as well...cancer screening. I think the exam was, well, kind of abusive and traumatic. I am hesitant to say more, but I left in shock. Maybe some of you girls can relate.

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Hi freesoul

We're here, we're listening, and we care about you.

Are you on any sort of mood stabalizer?  If you are, the Wellbutrin should be okay.  It might be okay anyway.  I'm pretty sure non-SSRI anti-depressants are supposed to be better for BP-ers.

I think all trips to the OB/GYN are at least somewhat traumatic.  Feel free to post more details.  Just warn the guys first ;) but they'll live.

Don't listen to the voices in your head.  They're lying to you.  Listen to us.  We are telling the truth.  You are loveable.  You have a lot to offer.  You are needed.  We care.  We're listening.  We're all pulling for you.

Love,

CS

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hi freesoul,

no, not running anywhere. but holy christ that guy sounds like such a jerk! how the hell do these people get their medical licenses anyway?

those voices sound really, really awful. do you mean actual audible voices? or more just like negativity that you get all the time from yourself because of the depression? cos i get that ALL the time when i'm in a depression. it's so automated now that i don't even get the thought, i just get the hint of a negative emotion and pow i'm down in a bad spiral.

hope you start feeling better soon.

grouse.

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