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I needs must die


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I am sorry about posting this here...I have no one who will read a last note or hear me crying. I feel really bad burdening you guys with this but I am hoping the delay will make the voice in my head, the one chanting KILL KILL KILL (myself) grow just a little softer...

I have no one in the world. No family, no close friends. My two kids were taken from me last summer and are in foster care because of my husband's cocaine addiction and my mental breakdown.

My husband was all I had left, and I just lost him today. After 2 years of lies and betrayals I had given him an ultimatum: if you are using I need to know. Just no lies. I don't even ask that u give it up if u can't. But I need to know cause it makes him psychotic and paranoid, which was the reason why our kids were taken from us.

He did well for the last four months. A job, no using, being caring and good to me. Gradually I started to trust him.

Today he came to visit (we don't live together-court order) and started using in my bathroom. When I confronted him he denied it. I gave him plenty of chances to admit but he denied it. I can tell when he's high; all I wanted was the truth.

I kicked him out. He later confessed by text message. I said I will not see him again, as agreed previously.

Now I am alone, and no one in the world cares about me. If (when) I die, no one will even find my body until it stinks. I undrstand now I am not loved, and I know I will never be. Too crazy, too shy, too weird.

There is no further point in living, the pain is just unbearable. This is the one person in the world who I felt cared for me, and he does not.

My soul is dead, the voice says. My ugly body is hateful. DIE DIE DIE she says.

I am sorry again to post this. these boards have been all I had when I was diagnosed, and for the weeks since.

What point to this. I don't think anyone here even knows who I am, all the same.

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freesoul,

i am listening to you and i am caring about you.

your world is being torn apart before your eyes. or so it seems. i grieve for how you must experience that. i cannot compare my own experiences to yours and offer you advice.

i understand that you are crazy. i am too. welcome to the way we are. but you and i are not alone. there is a whole community of people who are the way you and i are. crazy, yes, but particularly crazy in the same way you are. and in the same way i am.

freesoul, listen to me. do not act on how you feel right now. your husband has failed you. YOU have not failed. he used. that doesn't mean anything bad about you. and HE is not the 'last' thing you have left. you will always have you. and YOU are worth all the effort, believe me.

do not act on how you feel right now.

i am here and listening.

grouse.

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freesoul-

There are people who care about you.  I care about you.  I may not know you very well, but I still care about you. 

Your husband cares about you, too.  He has problems, and they seem like they're pretty serious- but that doesn't mean he doesn't love/care about you.  It means that his own issues are getting in the way of displaying that care right now. 

You say you were just diagnosed?  Do you have a good psychiatrist and a therapist that you trust?  Are you on meds? 

Please, stick around the boards and chat with me and grouse- it might not be much, but it's at least something.  Like he said, all of us know how you feel.  Everyone here has felt that way.  And (for whatever it's worth), we're all still alive and kicking.  If the 2 minutes it's taken to read my post have helped distract you at all- there are lots of other posts here to read that might help, too. 

If you can't shake the death whisper and feel you are in danger, please take yourself to the emergency room.  You are worth it.

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I have a good pdoc. I am on meds. It does not help, and may be making it all worse it seems...

I have a few deep cuts into my arm now, and then I chickened out...Thank you for caring. I was hoping maybe this little world would keep me going just for today, for now. As you can see I am still typiyng.

I am too afraid to go to the ER. they commited me last time.

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I'm glad you chickened out, freesoul.  I'm glad you're still here.

Like the others said -- we've all felt that way.  Sometimes the only way you can get through the day is one minute at a time...  Don't push yourself.  Take deep breaths.  And hang on.  We're here for you.

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Come on Freesoul, we're all pulling for you. If you can't hang on for yourself, or your kids to see you someday, please please hang on for us, ok?

We're all worried about you. Forget my other message about curing your addiction to crazyboards. Hang out here and post away, ok?

I see you're offline now. Why? Where are you? Come back!

lily

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I have a good pdoc. I am on meds. It does not help, and may be making it all worse it seems...

I have a few deep cuts into my arm now, and then I chickened out...Thank you for caring. I was hoping maybe this little world would keep me going just for today, for now. As you can see I am still typiyng.

I am too afraid to go to the ER. they commited me last time.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

freesoul, lots of us care about you!

and most of us have been in that darkness and take things a minute at a time

it's not just saying words, it's sharing the truth

please let us know how you are

spike

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Freesoul, don't be sorry for posting.  Posting is exactly what you should be doing.  Otherwise we wouldn't know how badly you need all of our support right now.  You did a very good thing for you, please be proud of yourself for that.

Sounds like the coke has gotten it's claws into hubby pretty bad right now and there is nothing you can do to save him from himself.  But your children are another matter.  Further on down the road, when this is behind you, your kids will be so glad that you fought to keep on trying, independent of whether they return to your care or not.  Knowing that you kept on fighting the disease will offer them much more than the legacy of a mom who didn't realize how lovable she was and bailed.

You are a beautiful, lovable person.  It is just so hard to see that through the MI.  And as the others have said You Are Not Alone.  We care about you very much.  Keep us posted on how you are doing.  There are a lot of worriers on board!  Sulu

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I am too afraid to go to the ER. they commited me last time.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Being admitted to the hospital is not a bad thing when it saves your life. I know.

Hang in there, if not for you, for your children. You can get them back. You don't have to give up, and we are here to help you. Many of us have experienced the pain, anguish and utter desolation of what you feel.

Give yourself a chance.

HB

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I just want to reiterate what some have said about your husband's problems. He didn't just decide that the blow was more important than you. I know it might seem that way, but if he's dealing with addiction issues, he isn't in control of his thinking any more than you are in control of yours when you're feeling suicidal and shitty.

He was clean for those 4 months? Are you sure? If he was and this is a relapse, he might not be out of the race just yet. He lied to you, and that's bad. You do need to protect yourself and refusing to see him is a good boundary. It may not be a permanent one though. He lied because he was embarassed and ashamed. He wasn't trying to hurt you, he was likely trying NOT to hurt you. I know that doesn't make it feel any better, but take it for what it is. Addictions and the bad behavior surrounding them, have nothing to do with the people they hurt most of the time. Got that? HIS ADDICTION DOES NOT MEAN THAT HE DOESN'T CARE OR THAT YOU ARE UNLOVABLE! *cough*

Sorry for the yelling. Whether you ever speak to him again or not, this is not the end of everything for you. You are appreciated here, and probably  in the physical space you occupy more than you know. Put your sharps away and take a nap. Call a hotline if you can't sleep. Leave a message for your pdoc and tdoc. You can get through this!

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Thanks for all the love, folks... from the bottom of my heart, thanks. Thanks  for your responses. I could not bring myself to the er last nigth, afraid that they will put me in there again...last time I could not see my babies for two months after wards. And while all other patients have flowers and visitors, I have no one to come see me (the kids are not allowed). There is no words for how that feels.

so I did what else I could think of and took a leftover zyprexa. and I slept all the way till now.

And now...well, now I don't know what to do. My dh called during the night and left a half dozen messages. I had not realized that he may be lying out of shame, since I understood that there may be relapses and was game about them...but all the same, these lies affect me so much that I may have to not speak to him for a long while.

If I can, which I never could before. He is all I have.

Oh, I feel so lost.

And somehow I have to keep working and writing exams and essays, and hide those slashes on my arm, and make sure I dont run for drugs as well. And try and keep sane. Seems like too much, I don't think I can handle it.

Yes, this is not the rigth time to quit CB. I will keep on posting if anyone's listen ok?

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Hang in there.  I know it's hard.  I feel the same way right now.  But we were put on this planet for some reason.  Every emotion passess.  Nothing is permanent, except for your choice to leave.  Please keep posting. 

Sending positive vibes in your direction, I hope you can find some peace for the rest of the day.

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We're listening, we're listening. Post away.

You mean too much to us, ok? I'm ADD too, but as long as you hit the return button every once in awhile, I can read anything.

Come on back, and post often!

lily

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Hey here we are afternoon...made it through the day. The zypreza hangover kept me relatively quiet, and my foster kitty (she's five moths old, playful and affectionate and generaly adorable) gave me some cuddles, and thanks for the words of encouragement and cyberhugs (yes I do like them!) and the positive vibes.

I have a pdoc appointment on Thursday...my current meds are tegretol 400 mg/day and clonazepam, sleep pills prn. They were not cutting it even before this. My doctor was consisdering Welbutrin at one point but I think he is skitish about it because I have a lot of anxiety and mixed states...all the same, I never feel good and would like to try something else.

I have to have the courage to bring it up and insist I guess. Those repetitive evil voices in my head they scare the jesus out of me I hate them but sometimes they go on with their crappy thoughts and I cannot stop them.

I made it to the obgyn today as well...cancer screening. I think the exam was, well, kind of abusive and traumatic. I am hesitant to say more, but I left in shock. Maybe some of you girls can relate.

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Hi freesoul

We're here, we're listening, and we care about you.

Are you on any sort of mood stabalizer?  If you are, the Wellbutrin should be okay.  It might be okay anyway.  I'm pretty sure non-SSRI anti-depressants are supposed to be better for BP-ers.

I think all trips to the OB/GYN are at least somewhat traumatic.  Feel free to post more details.  Just warn the guys first ;) but they'll live.

Don't listen to the voices in your head.  They're lying to you.  Listen to us.  We are telling the truth.  You are loveable.  You have a lot to offer.  You are needed.  We care.  We're listening.  We're all pulling for you.

Love,

CS

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hi freesoul,

no, not running anywhere. but holy christ that guy sounds like such a jerk! how the hell do these people get their medical licenses anyway?

those voices sound really, really awful. do you mean actual audible voices? or more just like negativity that you get all the time from yourself because of the depression? cos i get that ALL the time when i'm in a depression. it's so automated now that i don't even get the thought, i just get the hint of a negative emotion and pow i'm down in a bad spiral.

hope you start feeling better soon.

grouse.

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Will report the creep. You have just validated my concerns.

Some of the world is safe...thanks for reminding me. Please know that I do not hate it all, just feeling bad rigth now.

gm: My doctor calls the voices "the internal critic"...anyone knows what that means in laymen's terms? anyways, they are part of me but don't sound quite like me, not quite hallucinations, not quite just thoughts. Like somewhere in between, if that makes sense.

Music is great, CS, and I am very fond of it, but it makes my anxiety much much worse for some reason...I guess the overstimulation. In fact when I get in nasty whatchacallthem mixed states, I am known to scream at my family members to shut up, shut up shut up!, not cause I'm a nasty bitch (well maybe I am, objectively, but the point is I don't wanna be) but because it just bugs me so much I cannot stand it.

I'm sorry again to spread so much gloom. For now, this is it.

I'll make a point to come back with sunshine some day, if and when I can.

Thanks for listening.

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Not running anywhere on this end of things. I think it's pretty lame that you had to have an obgyn visit while you're already feeling crappy. Even without having doctors you don't know doing things they shouldn't be doing, those are sucky. I'm not saying you shouldn't have those exams, but I wouldn't fault you one bit if you rescheduled for a time when you weren't feeling so badly. I'm impressed that you got up and went at all! That's very good! I hope you have the strength to report the creep too!

Please keep us updated on how you're feeling. We all want you to feel better soon!

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hey, no worries freesoul.

i know EXACTLY what you mean about the internal voices. that's what mine are like too.

do you like classical music? and if so, have you tried listening to some of grieg's lyric pieces? i used to get anxiety nightmares (really bad ones) when i was entering puberty and my mom dug out a tape of grieg's lyric pieces and i'd listen to it as i was falling asleep. they're VERY soothing. the only problem was with the tape recorder cos when the side ended the 'play' button would pop up with a really loud KACHUNG!! and wake me up. but i'd still be relaxed so it wasn't that bad.

if you're interested i could email you a few mp3s and you could give them a listen.

take care,

grouse.

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Yeah the internal critic..I hate that ******..Always telling so many lies. You gotta block that thing out..Sometimes meds help. Sometimes it's a matter of writing those thoughts down and challenging them. Catching yourself every time you hear the words lazy.fat.unworthy. Because you are NONE of those things..Replacing the cyclical thoughts with positive reminders..yeah if I could only take my own advise all the time..But it does get easier the more you practice.

You sound a bit better? Not like on the edge anymore. Am I correct?

I for one love giving and getting cyber hugs

{{{{{{{{{freesoul}}}}}}}}} So here is a gigantic one..Just know you are important! Here in our little community and in your own life too..I hope this post finds you feeling much better..And good luck with your pdoc appt. tomorrow..I hope he can help you find your way back..

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Yes, not on the absolute edge anymore...these freakouts come over me like waves, and I turn totally dangerous, In a few hours I am done, but they always happen again. If I die by my own hand it will probably be during one of those. I rage and scream and si or nearly step in front of trucks/trains...(shudders)

Zyprexa is a good crisis med for me, the pdoc once gave me a sample pack and I cannot take it regularly cause it is too sedatiing, but I have kept them and they did come in handy, they will keep me quiet for 2-3 days. Does that mean I'm psychotic? such a scary word. ((((So, feeling better for now, rein, thanks))))., returning the lovely cyberhug.

I have a hard time knowing when to take the meds, the ones that are "as required"...I will be having major anxiety and klonopins on hand and just not think of it. I credit grouse and one more of you here who suggested a nap with making me think of inducing sleep the other nigth... could that be because I'm too used to think of drugs as FUN. anyways.

Grousemouse, by all means send out the music! I have a so called relaxation tape but, actual music that is relaxing is much better. My budget does not stretch to tunes for now, feel free to share...oh, that is so very sweet of you...

( yeah and I remember the old taope machines with the kachung that'll make you jump two feet and then bounce bounce on the matress just as you are falling asleep! lol...)

SG...u got a point, I should have rescheduled (or better not gone at all). Those are no good even on normal times (those good old times, normal, now just a distant memoryl) but I have this anal thing about appointments. That somehow does not extend to classes or getting out bed. Oh well.

To end on a sweet note....break and bake cookies sound good. For now, it is cookie dough ice cream. To give the finger to that evil critic.

See ya all soon

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To end on a sweet note....break and bake cookies sound good. For now, it is cookie dough ice cream. To give the finger to that evil critic

Now there's an attitude I can get behind! Man do I miss cookie dough ice cream..Can't get it here in Norway ;) ....I hope this post finds you continuing on the upswing. Yeah we know it plunges the other way without warning. I just try to cherish the good days..As many as I can get, and sometimes there are just not enough of them..Thanks for the hug Freesoul. I need em too!

Sleep well sweetie..Lisa

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Ditto what grouse said.  PM me your e-mail, and I'll send some things.  I'm big on music relaxing me.  I'm actually majoring in music at grad school.

Post sunshine when you have sunshine, and shit when you have shit.  We'll still be here, and we still care.  I'm glad the Zyprexa helped.  It doesn't necessarily mean you're crazy; a lot of people benefit from antipsychotics whether they have symptoms of psychosis or not.  So, while they don't call it "CrazyBoards" for nothing, taking an antipsychotic doesn't automatically define you as a complete and total whack job. ;)

Take care!

~CS

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Does that mean I'm psychotic? such a scary word.

It really is a scary word with a lot of negative connotations behind it. When you think of axe murderers and mail bombing terrorists you think of psychotic. Yikes! Really though, psychosis is whenever you lose touch with reality. That's it. When you're convinced that you're a giant piece of crap unworthy to live, and you cite distorted reasoning as evidence for this, you may be having some psychosis. If you hear, see, smell or feel things that aren't there, you may be experiencing psychosis. Do you know what the entire basis for my bipolar with psychotic features dx is? (Well at least pertaining to the psychotic features) It's because I sometimes feel sure that everyone I know is talking about me behind my back and occasionally I hear whispers or what sounds like a radio on in the next room. The end. I'm psychotic.

Sometimes they use scary words to describe us. The words they use don't change the experience though! If you are on an antipsychotic.. or if your doctor uses the word psychosis, it doesn't mean you have become "worse than you thought" or somehow evil.  It just means you have a different reality sometimes, and that's a lot more common than you might think.

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To come back to the subject that started this thead...

It seems hubby did not use coke on that fateful nigth. He was on, wait for it....lsd! I'll be dammed.

He, uhmm, gently reminded me that I had been an awful bitch all day (yes...dysphoric mania. soooorrry. it was a crazy day) He says he had such a bad trip he didn't know how to defend himself anymore, wanted to go home...the coward. To think that I migth have died over that. If this sounds too drama queen, such is the irony of my life.

I forgave him of course. Couldn't not to, after he apologized for the cowardliness and promised to never, ever do it again (lie, that is. Not use, I know better than demand that). We have been together 13 yrs and I have forgiven him much, much worse. I love his eternally messed up ass.

And my pdoc had a two hour case history on my crazy week this morning...

I made a grave mistake in saying that the zyprexa helps. Instead of treating the obvious overwhelming deppression or taking me off the patently useless Tegretol he puts me on full time zypreza! ARRRRRGGGG! I am a binger too. and chubby. and I have, repeat have to go class and write erudite essays on academic nonissues. Staying awake during a 1 1/2 hour lecture on some obscure german sociologist is hard at best, and now, not a chance! And writting essays on Shakespearan plays? ohhhhh woe is me. This is SO not gonna work!

Don't worry if I'm barely around. I'm either asleep or eating. Until my next pdoc appointment, when I can refuse any further of this sleeping-beauty-with-lotsa-caramel-apples stuff. noncompliance, here I come! But I'll give it a week to be fair.

Oh yeah, and I called an assault center re reporting the creepy ass doctor.

Anyways. that's it. For now.

Grouse, thanks a lot for all the beutiful music.

CS: wanna send some too? I love recieving music files!

REMOVETHISlexfreesoul@yahoo.ca

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  • 2 weeks later...

I care, sweetie.  I hope you are doing better.  Please remember that no matter how horrible you are feeling at any one time, feelings are ALWAYS temporary and you WILL feel better at some point.

I hope this won't sound trite, but have you thought about getting a pet?  Sometimes I feel very lonely and unloved, but I know that my cat loves and needs me.  In fact, I am pretty much his whole world!  It makes me feel better sometimes to know that no matter what, there is at least one creature in the world who absolutely adores me and depends on me.  It's just a suggestion ;)

(((hugs)))

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