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I started drinking and smoking coz I wanted to try it. Now im addicted and feel even more depressed since the drinking. I wanted to be "bad". I lived my teenage years being "good" and had no joy, no misery, just neutral.

Im making friends out of this, better than no friends I guess.

Im even thinking about trying recreational drugs even though I shouldn't coz I have schiz.

My life is so empty and it seems everyone is busy with "their" own lives.

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I drank like a fish mainly as an escape mechanism. It let me float out of my head and send me off to sleep. It stopped me from thinking. I loved that sensation. I still crave it intensely from time to time. There are times when I'm just a step away from going to the nearest alcohol shop to buy myself some alcohol.

I think if you want to try recreational drugs, you need the right mentality. It's a lot easier to abuse them if you are looking at them as something to fill your life, or to make your life better. Once you start abusing drugs, of any sort, you will end up on a downward spiral.

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I started because I wanted to ease the pain of being raped as an 8-year old. I wanted to forget that he hurt me so much. I wanted a semi-justifiable reason to say "I don't know who I am" and that was easier high than it was to say "he raped me".

I started because I wanted to quiet the voices in my head that were clearly not me; the ones who kept me company, and the ones who hurt me. I started because it was all I knew.

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Ya, the way you are not with depression and what not. Can actually make your highs very bad....Sinking in to drugs for me was very fun....I knew something was wrong with me from the age of 11 to 21....I had enjoyed MJ alot before I started to get into the heavy stuff like MDMA and Meth....Then it was down hill from there.....I would advise not too since this can make your schizo worse....I am on the edge of about to self medicate. Thats no reason for you tho....I will have to take acccount for myself but, If you feel pressured to do something instead of feeling the ah yes, that feels like a good idea! Type of feeling well I think your only setting your self up with disappointment........How did you like drinking?

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I initially started as a way to explore. Mostly. Alcohol, initially, was an escape. But I hated the taste and didn't touch it for years.

From 14 - 16 I was a self-identified psychonaut. Even for weed, I'd only use if I felt I was in the right sort of state. It was to explore my mind or body, to enhance an experience rather than to be one. I did turn down many opportunities to use if I felt too depressed, angry, anxious, etc. I despaired of those around me who I saw using to escape.

Then I found stimulants. Everything went out the window after that. I'd never felt... NORMAL before. Which, yeah, I'd get high with a large amount, more than those around me needed, but low or high dose it just helped me to be more normal, it quieted the voice in my head, it wiped out the social anxiety.

Stimulants or weed became my drugs of choice for self-medication of my issues. I got off the stimulants once, fell into them again, got off them again. I escaped and self-medicated with alcohol, psychedelics, dissociatives. And pot. Copious amounts of pot. For anxiety, social anxiety, depression, gender dysphoria, hyperactivity, being overstimulated, you name it.

When I quit the constant weed smoking last year, I lapsed into self harm. This, more than anything, really showed me that I was self medicating SOMETHING with it.

The right meds keep me away from self-medicating through other means, now. I prefer it, greatly.

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I used ketamine (almost daily 2008-2009) and ecstasy because, well, they were fun drugs. Ecstasy has a hard crash so I rarely used it, but ketamine was my escape from reality, literally. I felt happy and would occasionally go into a "k-hole" (hard to describe, "tripping balls" explains it a bit) and I thought I was connected with the universe, but it was just the drug fucking up my brain. Then it started ruining relationships, finances..

 

I've been off hard drugs since 2010. I do drink, in moderation. Not as much as before.

 

I had flashbacks for a bit. That was NOT fun. 

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I used to smoke weed all day, every day (breakfast being a cup of coffee and a joint) because - and I only realise this in retrospect - being stoned meant that I didn't actually feel anything, not really.  All the highs, all the suicidal lows, were evened out.  On the other hand, I had no motivation to do, well, anything at all, and needed to smoke more and more to maintain that state of numbness.

I haven't smoked (except VERY occasionally with friends) for several years.  I'm somewhat concerned with my alcohol use, though it's controllable.  I know that I drink so that I will be able to sleep/pass out, and also to try to shut my mind up when it won't be quiet.....

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I guess I wanted a chase subconsciously, because that's the only way to describe substance abuse. I fell for the lie of glory just like most others. And now, I've grown wiser. You know, it's so funny how it hits you when you least expect it, dependence and addiction that is. There's always an inexplicable period of lost time, and then, you realize what a hole you've dug for yourself. The magic always fades and you'll always scrape away so hard trying to pick of the finite pieces of the dust, the only magic left. Only, it's a damn bitch to get on your hands and knees, only to attempt to pick up finite specs. Have you ever tried picking up scattered dust with your hands? Does not work. Once you've realized that you've been made a tool, and you take this offense to heart, you can start the process of healing via sobriety, which ironically, is missed, once you know you don't want to have a net worth of a grain of soil as a result of being a slave to the game that was never meant to be won. This is how I feel about my path of substance abuse, anyhow.

 

Drugs latch on to the mind, they sneak into social activities that were never meant to be enhanced in such ways, and they take the pain of not solving the problems that haunt you, the real heavy stuff that's buried far in the mind, for however long the substance lasts. 

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I smoked pot as an escape, because I was being abused at home. When I could get weed it felt like it took the edges of things way down. It also took the physical pain levels down when the abuse did happen.

 

I got into meth partly for the high, partly for the escape from depression, and partly because it suppressed my appetite. I was pretty sick with anorexia. I used meth to go on long fasts. I dropped a lot of weight.

 

Now I smoke weed with a good friend once in a while, but coffee is pretty much it for me. If they ever schedule caffeine I'm fucked.

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I started drinking because all the cool kids did it. Or, really, most people I know. I'm Finnish, alcohol is very common to be abused here. Although that might just be my social circle... 

 

Anyways, I was already drinking for "fun" with my friends, so when bad things happen bad things also happen to my drinking and I can't stop for a while. 

I'm also in a band and... yeah. Finnish metal scene is full of people who drink too much. It's hard to stop here.

 

I smoke weed occasionally, which of course isn't the best way to deal with things either, but it calms me down when depression is eating at me.

 

I also used to smoke, mostly to surpress appetite and because, again, everyone else was doing it, but I stopped after a year.

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I started drinking as a way to escape. It's easier to crawl into a bottle than to deal with all the emotions,feelings,flashbacks,ect.... I started drinking heavy when I was 14 and stopped for three years between 18 and 20. I've never been big into drugs I've tried a few but never anything serious.

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I started drinking at 18, then it snow balled into something much worse. It made me numb and able to block out the rest of the world (even in the worst of situations, blacking out made it "okay"). 

 

Alcohol ruined me for a while, I had to hit bottom and really see what it was like before I could quit. (The bottom for me being, having an incredibly abusive boyfriend who blamed me for his cousin raping me). I was ready to kill myself. I woke up one day and said "I wont let him abuse me anymore...and I'm going to stop abusing myself!"

 

 

It's a tough path to go down. 

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Substance abuse for me can be divided into two categories- or sometimes both. Sensory stimulation or self medication.

 

When I was young I used to take muscle relaxants and dance around my living room when no one was home. I liked the way it made me tingle.

 

When I started drinking I was fascinated with the way it made me feel- now it's a feeling I choose to avoid, generally when you have the spins super bad it means you are rather sick, but the first few times when I knew nothing of the sort I thought it was pretty cool to feel. That turned into self medication and I drank myself silly so that I could socialize in a fashion that I took to be normal. I had no idea at the time really. Cut back when I realized. But since I started on stimulants a few months ago I haven't desired any booze.

 

Pot was a complete sensory overload for me- fascinating at first, mostly just overwhelming to me now. It made me dream- I had never remembered my dreams before then.

 

Next I guess was anti anxiety meds. Don't quite know how I feel about that to this day. I thought I needed them. I probably did. I was going through a lot. My experience with them was very scary honestly. Some I was prescribed, some I wasn't. I feel like they probably changed me for life and had a more lasting effect than anything else I've put myself through. They made me feel nothing. That being said- I honestly don't know what else I would/could/should have done at the time instead. I think that's the part that scares me the most.

 

Opiates I have courted for a good deal of my life now. When I was younger I had frequent chronic respiratory problems that resulted in a cough from hell. Still have them but much better now. Either way, then or now, the only thing that stops it is codeine or stronger. Found much heavier meds and have taken by all accounts probably too much. I take them because they make me feel capable of doing all the shit I expect of myself. I wish I could take them every day- but I imagine my organs would start to fail or some other entirely shitty situation would happen. So I don't. Because I can't. I can't even take them most or lots of days. But I very much believe that opiates are still around because they're one of the most effective medicines our planet has ever seen, and I doubt highly my life will ever be completely without them. I'm at peace with that for now.

 

That being said- to be very clear I'm not advocating it for anyone else. Personal experience here only. I only feel that way because out of everything I've got myself into, (psychologically speaking anyhow, who knows what my insides look like) they've done me the least harm. Probably because I had the most respect for them. Everyone drinks- in public, usually before they're even legal to. No Biggie, just society. Pot isn't that big of a deal right? I saw so many people get high, I knew so many people who smoked, and it was fine for them. Benzos were given to me by a doctor before I ever found them myself. On the other hand my mom told me when I was 9 how supremely addictive and dangerous opiates were and that if she ever found out I'd tried heroin and/or was addicted to any needle drugs she'd lock me up in a room and clean me up the hard way. Then she let me watch requiem for a dream. That kinda stuck with me.

 

Then again, I'm sort of a stickler for rules. They're my own possibly warped set of rules, but I decided when I was little that was a good one to stick to. Forgive my super long answer, I thought this was a really interesting question. Edited a touch for length and redundancy. Also- I think notfred's idea has a lot of weight to it as well.

Edited by vondick
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