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What the hell is wrong with me?


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So, I don't even know where to begin. I'm so tired of trying to seek help and hitting brick walls that I almost wish I would just flip out enough to draw something to me ... like serious help.

 

Being diagnosed with depression around the age of 14, I have spent most of my life either accepting and managing or spiraling out of control. Suicidal thoughts run rampant but I'm too afraid to fail and since now I have children, too afraid to screw them up any more than I already have.

 

Thyroid issues ... hyperthyroid for almost 3 years now. Managing and surviving although I got the eye disease that goes with it so thyroid removal is not an option for me without the possibility of blindness since it will make my eyes worse than what they already are.

 

Currently on NOTHING. Angry all of the time. Pissed at the world. Drove away all of my friends. Almost have driven away my husband (who is a recovering addict that I suspect of relapsing) ... I'm a loner, I panic, I have severe anxiety some days, depressed every day and sometimes my moods elevate and I am the happiest girl in the world and an hour later I'm plotting on how I could kill myself to make it look like a natural death so my kid's don't have to live with the guilt and label of having their mother kill herself.

 

I feel insane. I've searched high and low for a psychiatrist. I have gotten a few quacks. More than my fair share. No one wants to take our insurance even though it's good insurance. Doesn't seem like being a psychiatrist is about helping people, it's more about making money (because they almost always take self pay at the rate of $150 an hour and up). Unaffordable to self pay.

 

I don't even know what is wrong with me. Am I bi-polar? This is just a brief description of what I feel and go thru and I probably would never share all of the thoughts that run thru my brain. Living, sometimes, feels like torture. I have no purpose. I should be happy. Three healthy kids, long-term marriage ... no extreme pitfalls. I just need help dammit and I can't seem to find any.

 

I do well on benzo's. My Dr. prescribed me some (30) about a year ago and i've made them last as he won't prescribe me anymore (he's an endocrinologist, not a psych). I'm usually at least mellow while I'm on them and don't feel the anger that normally floods me. I'm a long-term pothead - yes, I know, some of you will think that makes me a horrible mother but I don't do it around my kids and I would compare it to all of the other mom's who have their weekly glass of wine. Pot does tend to make me feel relaxed and happy but over the years I've become more panicky on it and I think it is because I AM a mom and I don't want to jeopardize my children by doing something illegal. Wish they'd just legalize the shit. I take all kinds of vitamins and thyroid meds but nothing else for my depression.

 

I'm just sad because my kids have to live with me. Mommy stays in bed somedays and doesn't want to get out. Mommy is happy and wants to take them shopping and play with them and giggle and laugh. Mommy screams at them for mouthing off or not doing their chores and tells them to get their @$$ to their effing room NOW!! It's so up and down and they have to deal with that. It's not fair to them. I love them more than anything in this world and I need to get better FOR THEM. Don't get me wrong, they are all taken care of, never unattended, fed well, bathed, clean and loved. They go to church, do many activities and all thrive in school. They're good kids. But their mom is not well. And she needs help and feels like she has nowhere to turn. 

 

What do I do?

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you need to find a psychiatrist, or perhaps a psychiatric nurse ARNP who can prescribe

you need treatment, and I would give pot a break until you can find a med and have a good result

pot can mess with the way your body reacts to psych meds......

 

and a therapist would be good, is there a country mental health clinic somewhere in your vicinity

that might be a less expensive place to start looking for providers

you can do this, you can find treatment

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Hi Angie,

I totally relate to what you posted and I'm sorry you're going through this.

My moods don't cycle that fast normally...Like if I'm having a good day, I don't get nasty and then go back to happy....I generally stay more stable...so maybe it's a bipolar thing?

I take Xanax for anxiety and it's a godsend!!! If you can find a psychiatric treatment place, they can put you on whatever meds you need and monitor you, then send you to a counselor for talk-therapy (which does help--wish I was going again!)

I'm sorry your kids get in the middle of the mood problems...I don't have kids but I yell at my dog for dumb stuff like taking off through the invisible fence...then I apologize...I can only imagine the guilt you feel for yelling at your kids.  It doesn't make you a bad person though--just in need of a way to control your emotions...I'm not judging, because I am the same in that regard...I can't control my outbursts.. I find that my stuff builds up from stress, anxiety, you name it, then I explode on someone for something minor.  They key I'm learning though, is if you fuck up and vent like that, afterwards when you've calmed down, apologize, explain the behavior and try to do better next time.  We're excellent at beating ourselves up for the way we are and not being 'perfect' but nobody is perfect...All we can do is try to do better so maybe one day there won't be the explosions...I know--easier said than done right?

 

I don't know what's going on with you--only your doctor can figure it out--but I do relate to everything you're saying.  I hope you can find someone in your area who can help.

~Broken

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  • 1 month later...

omg your me  :o ......... Angry all of the time. Pissed at the world. Drove away all of my friends. I'm a loner.

 

 

 

I am just finding out that I can become consumed with thoughts of "me me me and whats wrong with me" :wall:    and I am going to stop thinking so much

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  • 3 weeks later...

I can relate to this also, though I don't have kids. I was spiraling a few months ago pretty badly, couldn't keep things up at work, lots of anger, my moods switching very quickly...ect.

I sought out help, and it's ok to ask for help (that one took me a long time to accept). I'd find a psych near you, figure out whats going on. my therapist (pdoc?) and I are still trying to figure out whats going on for me but it makes me feel better knowing I'm hopefully getting closer. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sorry to hear about your struggles. I can relate. I have at points driven every one around me-away with my outright haughty, superior attitude. I was right no matter what I said or did. I have done things that were pretty extreme in front of friends and made them never talk to me again. And these friends were pretty hardcore in a lot of ways... so I knew I must have done something pretty heinous in order for them to write me-off as a friend.

 

What I have done to my family is far worse... without getting into detail.... I have gone as far as to attack a certain male member of my family. All on account of a paranoid delusion and strange thinking brought on by stress.

 

Definitely get yourself a good Doctor and get medicated. Because sadly... these types of things don't go away on their own. But don't beat yourself -up over these feelings. You simply have a chemical balance. I promise you it will get better with the help of a good Doctor.

 

As Bpladybug said- there are always affordable mental health services out there.

 

The best of luck to you.

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Do you feel as though your thyroid issues are under control? Given your history, it might be helpful to ensure everything possible is being done to keep that under control. Perhaps a second opinion from a different endocrinologist?

 

Personally, I'd focus on finding a therapist who can help you navigate the emotions. It's particularly painful -- for everyone -- when your children end up on the receiving end of your pain. There's nothing I regret more. And you're going through hell yourself. It sounds like the pot and the benzos are ways to damp down what you're feeling. And I appreciate the way they can make you feel and the easing -- if only briefly -- of the pain. But it only last so long. A therapist might be able to help sort out what's going on and provide some assistance with learning how to manage your emotions. Given your concerns over finances and insurance, a therapist would most likely be a lower cost alternative as well.

 

I personally would save the psychiatrist for last. It sounds like you've had bad luck with your experiences so far. You don't mention if you've tried psychiatric medications, and if so whether they helped. It's a tough decision.

 

Regardless, I hope you find some peace and relief. I wish you luck and strength in finding the help you deserve. Good luck.

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  • 2 years later...

Stop taking these pharmaceuticals, they are not to help, they are designed to keep you sick, give momentary relief and otherwise worsen your anxiety.

Maybe nothing is wrong with you, maybe the doctor who diagnosed you with depression was wrong. The point is, if you really believe it, if you believe you have it, than you get it. And it doesn't help in any way to be diagnosed with such illness.

My suggestion would be to meditate, stop thinking about all this bullshit, stop taking drugs, be strong, be you and live your life, you only have one. All around you atoms floating in the air. Meaningless. Without us and our consciousness, there is no meaning. You create your meaning and your reality. If you are happy being homeless or sad being mum and a wife is totally up to you. You yourself create your own reality.

If your brain plays tricks on you, check if you have food allergies, check if you have enough vitamins and minerals. Our body is like a chemical plant, if it misses some important element it goes crazy.

Edited by mateusz gwozdz
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Stop taking these pharmaceuticals, they are not to help, they are designed to keep you sick, give momentary relief and otherwise worsen your anxiety.

Maybe nothing is wrong with you, maybe the doctor who diagnosed you with depression was wrong. The point is, if you really believe it, if you believe you have it, than you get it. And it doesn't help in any way to be diagnosed with such illness.

My suggestion would be to meditate, stop thinking about all this bullshit, stop taking drugs, be strong, be you and live your life, you only have one. All around you atoms floating in the air. Meaningless. Without us and our consciousness, there is no meaning. You create your meaning and your reality. If you are happy being homeless or sad being mum and a wife is totally up to you. You yourself create your own reality.

If your brain plays tricks on you, check if you have food allergies, check if you have enough vitamins and minerals. Our body is like a chemical plant, if it misses some important element it goes crazy.

What a load of bullshit you're spewing. This website is pro-treatment and pro-recovery, and that generally means pro-medication. Why would you come to CRAZYboards if you think a mental illness diagnosis is so bad? 

If meditation and "stop thinking about it" worked, don't you think more people would do it? Yea. Maybe some people can meditate and go without meds, but not many. We CANNOT make ourselves not anxious, not unhappy, and whatnot, without some form of help. Do you think people can just think positive and get rid of cancer or diabetes? Mental illness is an illness, and its no different from any other illness. If things worked that way, we wouldn't have or need doctors. 

Christ. I don't know why the fuck you're posting here. Useless garbage that we've all heard before, it doesn't work, so piss off.

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Stop taking these pharmaceuticals, they are not to help, they are designed to keep you sick, give momentary relief and otherwise worsen your anxiety.

Maybe nothing is wrong with you, maybe the doctor who diagnosed you with depression was wrong. The point is, if you really believe it, if you believe you have it, than you get it. And it doesn't help in any way to be diagnosed with such illness.

My suggestion would be to meditate, stop thinking about all this bullshit, stop taking drugs, be strong, be you and live your life, you only have one. All around you atoms floating in the air. Meaningless. Without us and our consciousness, there is no meaning. You create your meaning and your reality. If you are happy being homeless or sad being mum and a wife is totally up to you. You yourself create your own reality.

If your brain plays tricks on you, check if you have food allergies, check if you have enough vitamins and minerals. Our body is like a chemical plant, if it misses some important element it goes crazy.

No, they are not "designed" to keep anyone sick, and if they were, there would be ample evidence that they were poorly designed, because, in fact, they do the opposite.

"If you believe it, you have it"? Well, if true, then the diagnosis must have been correct, mustn't it, halfwit?

No amount of appeal to quantum theory or New-Age Flummery has every cured anyone of MI.  If we could all create our own reality out of the "atoms floating in the air", we jolly well would have done it already.  Instead, we do create our own reality by summoning the internal strength required to face our circumstances and afflictions, seek the medical attention required by our very real biochemical illnesses, and take the medications that make us functional even though the side effects suck ass.  And yes, you nit, we have to be pretty damn strong to do it, thank you very much.

Meditation, admittedly, can be a useful tool.  Kindly go and meditate on pulling your head out of your ass.

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To the OP -

I would second much of what BPLadybug says above.  Here at CB we advocate the combination of medication and therapy as the quickest method to achieve results under the care of a mental health team.  I'm afraid that your experience in looking for a psychiatrist is what one would expect - most of the psychiatrists one would want to visit do not take insurance in this day and age, and $150(US) per visit is not excessive for a quarterly visit.  There are, however, alternatives.  If you see a general doctor, you might start by discussing the depression with him or her - you might receive a trial of standard antidepressants, and perhaps your doctor could provide you with a referral to a mental health care source in your area that is within your budget. In any event, the fact that you are having suicidal ideation is a clear indicator that you are suffering the symptoms of depression, symptoms that can be relieved by antidepressants.  You don't have to feel this way.  Make the depression itself a focus of a doctor visit, and let us know how you get on.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Stop taking these pharmaceuticals, they are not to help, they are designed to keep you sick, give momentary relief and otherwise worsen your anxiety.

Maybe nothing is wrong with you, maybe the doctor who diagnosed you with depression was wrong. The point is, if you really believe it, if you believe you have it, than you get it. And it doesn't help in any way to be diagnosed with such illness.

My suggestion would be to meditate, stop thinking about all this bullshit, stop taking drugs, be strong, be you and live your life, you only have one. All around you atoms floating in the air. Meaningless. Without us and our consciousness, there is no meaning. You create your meaning and your reality. If you are happy being homeless or sad being mum and a wife is totally up to you. You yourself create your own reality.

If your brain plays tricks on you, check if you have food allergies, check if you have enough vitamins and minerals. Our body is like a chemical plant, if it misses some important element it goes crazy.

Why are you here? I hope you realise that it's people like you and your theories that can set off paranoid delusions in people like me. You must be so proud.

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  • 6 months later...
On 8/10/2015 at 1:27 PM, mateusz gwozdz said:

Stop taking these pharmaceuticals, they are not to help, they are designed to keep you sick, give momentary relief and otherwise worsen your anxiety.

Maybe nothing is wrong with you, maybe the doctor who diagnosed you with depression was wrong. The point is, if you really believe it, if you believe you have it, than you get it. And it doesn't help in any way to be diagnosed with such illness.

My suggestion would be to meditate, stop thinking about all this bullshit, stop taking drugs, be strong, be you and live your life, you only have one. All around you atoms floating in the air. Meaningless. Without us and our consciousness, there is no meaning. You create your meaning and your reality. If you are happy being homeless or sad being mum and a wife is totally up to you. You yourself create your own reality.

If your brain plays tricks on you, check if you have food allergies, check if you have enough vitamins and minerals. Our body is like a chemical plant, if it misses some important element it goes crazy.

This is my first post in one of these forums?  YOU SOUND JUST LIKE ME.. JS <3 ALL LOVE IM POSTING 

 I  have suffered from manic depression, dissociation into borderline personality disorder, flashbacks, anxiety, panic attacks etc and whatever else they wanted to label me with since age 14. 

I let them guinea pig me for years and it only presumably got worse after my kids father. I tried all types of medication. Anything they said... anything to try and feel more stable and all it was doing was taking a piece of me away. Now I will not disagree that some people have no problem with the medications and they do in fact help. 

 To the woman who posted this. I have 3 children, they are my life and I was at my wits end... all still in progress

  Let me just tell you what I did to feel better:

THESE ARE ALL THINGS THAT I DID AND I AM MAKING SLOW BUT EXTREME PROGRESS. I still have outbursts but am catching the triggers and calming down a lot on petty shit. Now let me tell you the most beautiful thing about it. IS when your children notice you getting better.... That lifts even more off. You have to realize that when you are having these outbursts that they will go away, they will become less in less with more that you do for you. I am unsure of how old your children are but mine are 6, 10 and 12. Now since my youngest was born I have been healing. IT was FAR worse than today and tomorrow I will only strive to do better because in this world there is ugly, there is beauty... There are unforeseen wonderful anxiety free adventures that will fill you with smiles and hope..   

MEDITATE (your way) 

MAKE YOUR OWN SPACE YOURS (DECORATE IT WITH YOUR FAVORITE THINGS AND HAVE THE KIDS AND YOU MAKE SOME PAINTINGS OR PICTURES TO HANG UP! GET OUTSIDE INTO NATURE!  

MEDITATE (your way) 

;) Write yourself notes, your kids, put post its on the fridge saying have a beautiful day. On the bathroom mirror  etc Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can. Catch your screams quicker each time it happens and be proud of your progress. Pay attention to you more.. 

 Do cool shit with the kids that you can LOOK at and be reminded everyday. Example: Food coloring, white sheet, paper, canvas or something of that sort and squirt guns on a nice day~ When it dries melt some crayons over depending on what material you chose to work with.

LOVE YOURSELF, 

LOOK INTO THE MIRROR AND TALK TO YOURSELF...

Smile for 20 mins a day(DO IT) 

 I am just spouting of different things and I am extremely off subject. That's why I lay down many options. You never know how a person is going to react to something. You just speak what is true to you and they can have a positive or negative out look on it.  I have been med free for almost 4 years. I smoke marijuana as if it were my medicine but that has even gotten very rare once or twice a week.... I quit smoking cigs

 

NAture though... nature is so healing. You may laugh at me but I stand outside at night and just breathe in the sky, hoping to see the moon before I sleep. Sometimes barefoot in the grass just smelling, listening.. taking in my surroundings before I sleep.

CHANGE YOUR DIET, EAT HEALTHIER, EXERCISE, DANCE, LISTEN TO MUSIC, WRITE, Cut people out  that aren't like-minded or have too much for you too handle. No matter the good friend, you need them more then them you. You need help entertaining those beautiful little growing minds. 

YOUR children are your tribe.

 Learn something new for you everyday.

Sorry for the capitals I am not yelling  <3 

WATCH THE LORAX with your kids ~ <3

 

BESIDES ALL of THAT ..... You're doing what you can love, but know you can do better <3 overcome that exhaustion mama and put that cape back on. One day at time conquer yourself with love <3 .  

If my post upset anyone I do apologize that you feel that way.

 I don't think bashing medication is a good thing either because human beings are conditioned to this way of life. YET there are indeed more natural ways to handle it... but those are scary to some people and that's fine... TO think you can't be cured of what lingers inside you is like saying we're the only living things in the entire universe.  It is up to you what is put into your body and what you want to allow your mind to run with.

 

Take care to get better for you. To get better for them. Treat you <3 

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Hi Awaken. Welcome to Crazyboards.

You're far more likely to get responses if you create your own thread; please feel free to do so. If you have any questions about that or anything else you're more than welcome to ask any of the staff here.

Looking forward to seeing your posts around :)

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  • 3 weeks later...

I have spent most of my life either accepting and managing or spiraling out of control. Suicidal thoughts run rampant but I'm too afraid to fail and since now I have children, ??????

 

 

== www.solitairecardgame.org ==

Edited by Champion1
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  • 5 years later...

Okay,this is an old AF post, so...I hope the OP has managed to find the help she needs! And is still alive.

If however you're not thriving, I want you to ask yourself the following questions:

1) have I suffered any traumatic experiences in my life that could be causing PTSD?

2) Have I been tracking my moods and how my cycle could also be affecting them? This is important, because while we throw out "PMS" to every angry bitch we come across because we don't know how to deal with people's issues... PMS is semi-serious and quite difficult. However, you could be suffering from PMDD, which also ducks with your moods SEVERELY... And it also helps you chase all your friends away too (so does above condition as well), and creates problems within relationships and at the work place (if you're a stay-at-home Mom, you work BEYOND Overtime!!!)

3) Is there anything in your diet that could be affecting your Digestive Tract? Research glyphosate and what it does to our health and how to avoid it.

4) Fuck everyone else suggesting you avoid weed, girl, you and women like you fucking NEED to smoke a blunt a day, Minimum!! I'm not myself without it. I have found it helps with pain relief, stress, and depending on the strain (avoid sativa's, hun, they aggravate anxiety), and kudos for at least ensuring you don't do it in front of them. (So, that's not a question, LOL,that's a friendly reminder, Fuck em all) One of my doctor's ADVISED that I smoke more ganja...and he was raised within the LDS church (super anti-everything good for us)

Anyway, try mixing in some CBD too...it helps curb anxiety tremendously, AND it doesn't get you high.

5) Are you utilizing any products that legitimately have the term "fragrance" or "parfum" or "perfume" in the ingredients? These are all essentially the same man-made molecule with varying names, and it reeks havoc on our hormone system, which can affect moods dramatically.

6) have you considered CBT, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

7) Please know that you are loved and you don't deserve to suffer this much, and it's okay not to feel okay, it is okay to admit that you need help, and it is very reassuring for others too scared or any to do the same. You probably ought to talk to your children to let them know your struggles to the best of your ability... Let them know Mommy means well, but she's actually very unwell... And mommy is trying to get help, but meeting dead ends every turn she makes...

Right, well, I hope that helps Angie and any other women/people out there with similar struggles.

Ah yes, another poster actually had some good advice also, mentioning nature, dancing, exercise, and meditation. Yoga could be beneficial as well...even more so if you feel you can't sit still!!

 

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