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I am currently in the midst of watching, via Internet, the trial of the husband of a dear friend.  This friend was murdered by said husband almost 3 yesars ago, body dumped in a lake, undiscovered for 5 months.  The trial, inwhich the idiot is defending himself, is totally mesmerizing, because of the sheer arrogance and pure evil of the man on trial.

Needless to say, this is NOT an activitiey recommended for those of us who tend to be depressive, or BP 11, or even have any MI.  But I cannot  stop watching, except to go to work, becauae I loved this woman who is dead, and I love her children and she  was the least likely person to be murdered I ever knew.  She was funny and talenteted, and kind and kooky and tho a bit high-maintenance, never knowlingly hurt a soul.  She did not deserve this--no one does, but leastr of all her.

So here I sit, out of some meds due to money woes, and glued to the damn laptop, and saying incantations every time the face of that monster appears.  I want him to be convicted and live a very long time, surrounded by psychic mirrors reflecting back the evil he has sent out.

And my  attitude and frame of mind, which was fairly stable, is in shambles, because of this monster.  I hate giving him this power over me, but I want to see this to the end, to see its resolution, so I continue to watch.

"The world is too much with us, late and soon"--was that Shakespere? Whoever it was , he was right, I need to be at the beach, not thinking about this, but until its settled, here I will sit, growing tenser and angrier and a bit more crazy as the moments go by.

And my head hurts-- a lot--

china ramone, feeling her reality and stablity slip slowly away

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*gasp*

Oh china, just reading this sent me reeling! It just seems too surreal! Oh dear...what to say? I, like you, would be glued to the screen too, much to my own detriment.  You have a vested personal interest.  You simply can't help yourself, I know.  But try, really try not to go too "crazy" over it.  God, what am I saying?

Are you in therapy at the moment? You need to find a good outlet for all of this.  You need to take breaks from it all as much as you can, too.  Who else can you rely on for support to talk about this so you don't explode?

What you must be going through.  I'm so sorry you had to lose your friend in such a senseless and barbaric manner.

Karen

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China, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend, and for all you must be going through. I don't have any good advice for you. I can understand why you feel the need to watch this in spite of the harm it is causing you. I second Karen's suggestion of talking it over with a tdoc. Maybe it would help to get some perspective and to let it all out.

~Faith

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hi, China, sorry i couldn't reply earlier when you obviously needed it....

i have had the personal experience of facing an attacker in court, and thus being able to observe and watch the reactions and facial expressions of everyone around the perp.

if you can't tear yourself away, what i would suggest is that you try to pay as much attention as you can to the other people in court.  watch their faces, look for the indications that they disapprove of what he's saying, or can't wait to get their chance to tear into him.  unfortunately, you're not there, so your view is limited.  but what i found was that although the various officers of the court are dignified and respectful, you can see from their reactions that they aren't buying it, and you can really tell that they agree with you about his evilness.

i'm garbling this, but what i'm trying to say is that if you could really see them, you'd see the small sneers, the looks of disbelief and disgust...the quiet reactions of the law as they respond to an evil destructive individual.  i have no doubt that they can feel and are responding to his arrogance, and not in a positive way.

i found the court to be very supportive, not in a touchy-feely way but instead i felt that justice would be done.  that law and order would prevail.

as hard as it is, please try to remember that he isn't guaranteed to get away with it, no matter how arrogant he feels.

also, have you thought about either having someone with you, in the room, or signing on to chat so you can get some human contact while you are watching the courtroom?

but really, what i wanted to say was that he is not having it all his way, no matter how it looks....he's getting a lot of bad vibes and disapproval, not because he's on trial but because of his attitude and how he behaves.  from your description of him, i can assure you he's not in a friendly environment....and he's doing it to himself.  take heart in that.  he's not helping himself.

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China, I too am sorry that you are in such a rough place.

and you do have a vested interest in it--she was someone you cared about and her death was senseless and evil.

and that is a hard thing to face, there is no real understanding it

but you still have to take care of you

keep talking

we care

spike

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China,

How sad.  I can't imagine having this being brought into your home.  Insult on top of injury.

Don't let him have power over you.

Break away from it and get out of the house, and away from the TV.  You don't have to watch this at all. Justice will prevail whether you watch or not.

Go to the beach, go to a park, go to the zoo.  But, go someplace bright and healthy.

Best,

A.M.

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Thankk you all--fortunately, I have to work, so I miss the afternoon sessions, but I get reports on them from friends, and my dearest friend, the daughter in law of my murdered  frined.  But this has all hit so hard again.  Another little detail--Janine was reported missing the very day my father died, so all this happened at once. And tomorrow qould have been her 60th birtday, which she would have celebrated with great glee and much hooray and celebration.

I do not have a "talk therapist" at the moment" just a med doc, but plenty of suport from my daughter and son, and my dearest friend.  But to think that there is even the slightest chance that this animal will get away with this unspeakable evil--

Plus, of course, becauae of the stress, the Crohn's has reared its ugly head again, and I am virtually crippled because of fatigue and pain from the arthritis.  I am praying that my doc will assist me in applying for disabiklity--my god, its only 18 months till I fucking retire!  Just give me the god damn money and let it go at that!  I sure can't be a nurse, and I worked my ass off for 30 years.  Aren't I due something?

So I just cry a  lot, and my darling husband, who has no idea what the fuck is going on, nor , it seems does he care--"Didn't you cook dinner?"  "Do I have any clean clothes?" has been a "wonderful help" as you can imagine.

But your messages of comfort and support and understanding--I will be re-reading them daily, my darling Ramone family.  Just knowing you all are here and listening and CARING is the best thing I have going right now.  Thank you sems like indadequate words--but--thank you--I love you all for caring so.

Love, china

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China, a friend of mine was murdered almost a dozen years ago.  The creep that did it plea bargained, so he didn't get the death penalty.  I'm still not sure if I'm angry or relieved that they didn't execute him.

I guess in a roundabout way, I'm trying to tell you that I understand some of what you are going through.  We're here for you, and will be all through it.

Ori (who is sending good vibes your way)

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China, unfortunately I can entirely relate. 

;)   (Not sure, but thought I'd throw the trigger sign out there just in case.)

When I was eleven my cousin was murdered. She was a sweet loving, caring devoted family woman, loved by all. Her husband killed her, then he killed himself. There was no justice for the loss of my cousin when he did that.

I remember going to school and telling a classmate what had happened. They didn't believe me. We went to church that day (I went to Catholic School) and I prayed so hard for her I was in tears. And still, nobody believed me.

But then I thought about all the happy things we did, all the GOOD memories. I had to learn to celebrate her life and the accomplishments that she had achieved (she wasn't even thirty). It's not easy, and it's going to suck ass, but that's part of the grieving process.

As hard as it is, tear yourself away from the television, don't read the paper, and don't look it up on the internet. Listening to all the details will just make you dwell on the sadness and loss. Find something to occupy the time- I'd honestly suggest something physical like running or kickboxing, even yoga. It'll help let you vent your anger in a positive way.

Hell, respond to every single post on the boards here! For me, helping others always made me feel better. I've read your posts, you have wonderful words of wisdom and have reached out to tons of people.

My thoughts are with you China.

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