Jump to content

Death, life, suicide -> confusion

Recommended Posts



My mind is acting weird lately and I don't know what I ought to make of it. I hope someone here can relate and maybe tell me what to do.


I'm bipolar 2 and have been depressed for about 8 months now. I've been on Wellbutrin since the start of the depression and Due to several unfortunate events the depression worsened couple of months ago. Now throughout the whole depression I only had a couple of weeks that were unbearable. Most of the time I don't really feel depressed but I know it's still there. I don't make much/any fun. can't study, can bearly participate in exercise and everything I loved and lived for doesn't interest me anymore.


So more or less I've been really passive these 8 months and the last couple of months it worsened. Now in general i didn't have much troubles with suicidal tendencies (well ofcourse there were there sometimes but that's normal). 


Last 2 weeks I upped by wellbutrin and quit cymbalta (only used that for a month the latter). The good thing is i'm starting to feel REALLY better again. Sometimes I see myself again.the old, regular no depression me. That really feels great. I even started looking to take up sports again and even thought a bit about my future. Those events haven't occured since I became depressed. So that's a good sign yes.


However, concurrenly with the feeling normal stuff, I'm also experiencing rather severe/weird mood swings.

I must say that it aren't the regular depressed/mania mood swings. It's just that I sometimes feel normal and than suddely I start thinking about suicide again.Suicide in the future not anytime soon. The problem is that this mindset sometimes rapidly evolves in suicide trances that last couple of hours and that are really worrying. I then NEED to commit suicide. I don't feel bad at the time. It's just like some button in my brain that gets pushed and is filled with thoughts and actions to commit suicide.


Now when I'm not in those suicide trances I still think a lot about suicide. However at the same time (sometimes) I realize that I don't have to commit suicide because maybe just maybe there's still some future left for me.


So in conclussion


Objectively I don't need to commit suicide.

I also don't specifically want to die because it's not that i'm extrelemy depresed

On the other hand there's this thought process or whatever you could call it, that does believe I need to die.


Maybe I'm just sick of being depressed. Havng had a high in ages. Still can't really see a future



I don't know whether you guys understand anything from what i said :D but still can't go wrong asking some opionions.


I do believe that something has to be done about this. Because in the past, the only thing that ever withheld me from committing suicide. Now, that doesn't even seem such an obstacle anymore.


And I honestly (sometimes nowadays) can see that there could be a future for me. Happiness. So why the hell does my mind keep pusing me to commit suicide  :wall:  I'm maybe a bit afraid that I will commit suicide in such a trance, while I maybe had such a potentionally nice life ahead of me




Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hit that same point in my life a couple of years ago and that is what prompted me to seek medical help. I spent 2 entire weeks thinking about suicide and trying to talk myself out of it. I went to my gdoc to see if I could change anti-depressants, because mine wasn't helping, and he referred me to a pdoc because he was really concerned.

Once the pdoc made his dx of BPII, my AD was tapered and I was started on depakote and seroquel. That made an immediate difference in my depression, and I felt better than I had in months. It ultimately hasn't been a good combo, but I haven't been that low ever since.

I would definitely talk to your doc about changing meds, it sounds like yours isn't working, and I'd do it soon. You don't have to live with the horrible feelings, and it can be real helpful to talk to others. Don't give up!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well if you're really starting to feel better, maybe you shouldn't fool around with your meds right now; it sounds like the Wellbutrin might be starting to work. Are you in therapy? I too am getting stable but sometimes become overloaded and my go-to automatic negative thought is suicide, and then I remember that there are other ways to cope and work out my problems. Maybe now that your meds might be helping you, now could be the time to really work on your therapy IMHO. However if you do feel out of control then I would call your doc ASAP. 


I would start exercising again if you have it in you. That is a great distraction for me. Good luck and I hope you start to feel better soon. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i think i get it - not depressed *enough* to be thinking of suicide... but thinking about it anyway, and not just pondering... not quite planning, but it's not an abstract thought either (okay i probably make less sense than you think you do).


i've been having that thought for the last few months.  i've also been depressed for the better part of a year now, able to "function" in basic ways like staying out of bed, taking care of myself (mostly), cooking and cleaning, all the stuff a "normal housewife" would do.  but still too depressed to really participate in life, or work, or study.  i'm in limbo i guess.  and i know it gets WAY worse than this.  but still.  it crosses my mind almost every day - that i'd like to be dead.


i don't understand why either.  life isn't bad enough to want to check out right now.  even more, my daughter's best friend commited suicide in February.  so i've been watching what kind of devastation it caused her, and his mother (i don't know the rest of his family).  i've cried many times for that poor boy (his funeral was on what would have been his 21st birthday), i cry for my daughter left with that guilt and anger and deep sadness.


and yet i still think about it.


i haven't mentioned it to tdoc because i don't want to sound any alarm bells.  i guess i should be asking her WTF is this?  if i get an answer that makes sense, i'll share it here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am BPII myself, and when my gdoc was just treating my depression, Welbutrin was one of the meds I cycled through. It worked for the depression, but was rather activating for me, and put me into hypomania/mixed states. My moods did not level out until a pdoc put me on a mood stablizer (lamictal) in addition to a different AD and an AP.

It sounds like you're experiencing what that big warning is for ADs - you know the one where people who start taking ADs should be watched for suicidal tendencies. I would talk with your pdoc.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the responses.


I will talk about it with my pdoc and therapist. Although I already mentioned the situation last week. (I'm seeing my therapist weekly, pdoc every other week, and on top of that every week a  mdoctor but the latter is just because she's a hot chinese doctor lady :P )


I see my therapist in a couple of hours and will definitely bring this issue up because i think this is the main problem right now. I feel that it can be helped. That these feelings are just a disturbed though process as a result of being depressed for too long. And for this first time these suicidal thouhgs actually worry me. Because I don't really feel like I need to die anymore. I can see that there could be fun and happiness and possibly a good future. Despite all these positive feelings I'm still planning my death. That's just not right.


I'm also on no mood stabilizer. I was on abilify for a while but quit it because it didn't seem to work for depression. All it does is prevent me for going high and that's like the only fun thing about this disease  <_<

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm also on no mood stabilizer. I was on abilify for a while but quit it because it didn't seem to work for depression. All it does is prevent me for going high and that's like the only fun thing about this disease  <_<



I would definitely discuss the pros of being med compliant with your tdoc.


Mania is NOT fun. Think of all the consequences and damage it causes.


If you really are BP you will need a mood stabilizer at some point. Unless you like cycling so much.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Create New...