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Feeling self destructive


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I've relapsed and now I'm on a binge, I think. I'm thinking about cutting constantly. My skills fail. I tried to ask pdoc for help but I couldn't explain myself well. I gave in a lot yesterday, and today I've given in again. I see pdoc on Thursday, and he said that I could take a little more seroquel PRN than I've been taking. I feel like I need some heavy artillery to help me curb my impulses, because even when I try and distract (meditate or go for a walk or use ice), it just ends up back with my brain on something that feels like an OCD "finish this thing or you won't be able to rest" loop. 

 

I am stuck in a war in my head. I have the skills in my repertoire, I know that they're there, but I feel like there's a barricade and I just can't get to them. The crappy part is now I'm more scarred and BF is coming into town for 10 days on Friday and he'll see them all. Even that can't get my brain off of this loop. 

 

I don't know. The darker thoughts are there too. I just want to get a grip on this stuff before it gets out of hand.

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That sucks, zen.

 

I'm sorry you're in a rotten place.

 

Have you tried urge surfing? Where you watch the urges come and go like waves, knowing that each one will build in intensity then recede, and hopefully give you the chance to come up for air before the next wave starts?

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I'm working on urge surfing. New tactic is to take a seroquel and wrap myself up in a blanket until the need calms down.That's a really nice phrase for it.

 

I am feeling badly about it. Guilt is one of my main emotions in general. I haven't told him yet and he just landed and is on his way to me, so I can't really do that. My instinct is to just hide it as long as possible, even though I know straightforward honesty is the way to go. He's just never seen me in this state of mind dealing with this issue (since it's been dormant for so long) and I don't know how he'd react, so that makes me nervous. I really don't want him to be worrying about me. I know I can't stop him from doing that but I just desperately want to avoid it.

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