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Do you ever get embarassed because of the way you act in psychosis


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I'm just getting over my second episode and I have to say it was horrible. It was very religious oriented and very scarey,  I felt as though I was Jesus and the devil was trying to posess me. It was so scarey I couldnt be alone at all. I went into the hospital and was acting very bizarre. I would just look at people all the time because I thought I was a telepath and we were all talking through our minds. I thought all the men were in love with me but wanted to rape me so I never took a bath. People were actually really nice to me though. I was pretty open to them so they were really understanding and loving towards me which made me think they were speaking to me telepathically all the more. The thing is I acted so bizarrely  I just feel kinda ashamed about what I did there. How I was staring at people and stuff. It just wasnt me. The thing is I'm still new to all of this. I'vel been dealing with this for almost 2 yrs now and I'm just not use to the way I act when I go into an episode. I'm a very reserved and hidden person emotionally but when I am going through this its like I hide nothing. How do you deal with the resulting embarassement after an episode and how do you prevent another one from occuring. Its just the episodes are so real. Its hard to tell what is real and what isnt. It takes its tole on my whole family. I just never want it to happen again. I have to say the reason the second one happened was because I stopped taking my meds for 6 months. I'll never do that again. I know I need to be on meds for the rest of my life. I'll tell you one thing with this you need to accept yourself 100% because it will bring up every issue you've ever had with yourself or your past and throw it in your face.

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I can relate. I act all crazy paranoid to my husband and then when I come out of the psychosis a little bit I feel so damn guilty for what I was doing. Also, when I hear voices I sometimes can't be alone. So I need my husband to come home. Well he has a guys night out every week and sometimes I have had to have him come home when the voices get really unbearable. I feel guilty for this too.

 

I act loopy or bizarre too and it worries my family/husband. I hate that and that is just more guilt!!!!!!

 

Yes, I do think staying on your meds is a good idea. I know it's a good idea for me too. I know I will need them for life too. I've been dealing with this since I was a kid. Only taken seriously about 6 years ago.

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Goodness we're alot alike but I have been dealing with this for 2 yrs almost. I couldnt imagine dealing with this as a kid. Its scarey enough as an adult. I dont like to be alone too when the voices are bad so I would sleep with my mom and she would make me feel protected. Thats the thing I always want to be so independent and this stuff makes you have to rely on people in a way I'm not use to. It also sucks because they dont know what your going through so you become a burden on them in a way.

 

It makes you feel very guilty even though its not your fault. My dad always tells me how I should just control my thoughts. Think of good things etc.... it's easier said than done. Its hard to contrl your mind when your mind is whats messed up.

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Thats the worst. When people realize your crazy. Theres no coming back from that. You will forever be labelled the crazy one. But hey at least they know now. You dont have to hide it. Maybe talk to them about why you were acting so out of it. Tell them you've been going through a hard time emotionally and tell them about your schitso affective disorder. They may end up being closer to you for it and will tell you when your acting up so you can reign it in.

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I can relate. During an episode, I told my friends that the sun was watching me and I accused my therapist of stealing my thoughts. At least it was my therapist, so she understood. But, my friends were understandably freaked out. 

 

Psychosis can be very embarrassing. I'm also so embarrassed that in +30 C weather, I was wearing a hooded sweatshirt with the hood up, for fear of the sun implanting ideas in my head. I was sweating profusely and looked like a paranoid weirdo on the bus. 

 

I try not to be too embarrassed now. I was sick. People get sick and do weird things all the time. For example, physical illness can make you delirious, which is like psychosis. 

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The last time I was in psychosis I thought I was in control of time and it was whatever time I said it was all the time. My mom would argue with me that it wasn't, as I kept leaving messages on my pdocs phone, screaming at the phone that they didnt care and that the receptionist wouldnt call me back and I was calling because I thought it was time for our appointment when it was really saturday morning and I had been asleep for three days. My mom had to call and apologize for the 15 messages I left and the screaming. And I actually missed the appt which was ironic, but the receptionist waived the $140 fee because in 7 years I never missed an appointment.

 

I am in psychosis frequently. Controlling time is a theme

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When I had my worst years of being in psychosis constantly, for literally about 6-7 years (I didn't take meds like I should have, didn't admit I was hearing voices, etc), I did/said a lot of shit that I refuse to talk about now because of how embarrassing the things I did/said were.  I never want to remember them.  Never.

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It just wasnt me.

This.

Remember that. It's not you it's a chemical imbalance in your brain.

I suffer from psychosis too and it is triggered by hypomania/mania or depression.

I have tried to do rolly pollies in my underwear at home and stripped down to my underwear at hospital. Not me. My broken brain fucking up the signals (again).

I've had delusions about being God's messenger - and I'm an atheist.

I broke down crying in the shower once, fully clothed. My flatmate at the time looked after me and got me into my pjs. There are real angels out there if you're receptive to them.

Embarrassment is natural but don't let it eat away at you. You weren't in control of your faculties at the time.

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OMG when I go through psychosis I am mortified. However, throughout my first psychosis there was this inner voice (not a hallucinatory one) in the back of my head that doubts whether my senses/beliefs were real.

 

For example, I thought a boy named Dan I had a one night stand with was stalking me and sent him a text basically saying "You don't have to do this, I still really like you. I'm going to the mall today, coming?" Making a joke that he was going to stalk me there anyways.

 

He replied, "Please stop this. This isn't going to happen".

 

Before I sent my first text, I had already come up with an answer for such a negative reply, "OMG I'M SO SORRY! I meant to send that to my friend Dalin we're in a huge fight. I can delete this number if you want. I must sound psycho."

 

Psychosis to me is a lot like chess. You gotta think two steps ahead. It engaged and intrigued me. If it wasn't for jigsaw puzzles in the psych ward as a replacement I don't think I would have ever wanted to take my meds.

Edited by Narcissisticlyricist
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  • 2 weeks later...

That is so understandable.  After an episode, I'm ashamed of how I've acted and felt. And scared, really scared.  I'm scared I'll act out towards someone I love, and scared that they will see me in a bad light.  That is what now keeps me taking my medication, but it took me quite a few years to get to that point, I was so paranoid and arrogant.  I also didn't know how to work with my doctor and how to stand up for myself when I was poorly medicated, so I had to learn to be more responsible and aware.  It's hard when you're ill and not aware of what is real and what isn't all the time. 

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Is it the psychosis or that you were abnormal in front of other people that is embarrassing?

 

For me, it is both but in different ways and recognizing that these are two different reactions helps. The actual psychosis is brain chemistry gone awry. We can't help that, so there is some comfort there - we were not ourselves. Anyone who knows us knows that something was wrong when we start to get out there. The other has to do with other people's reactions. Our behavior may have lead to their response, but they own what they did and how they reacted, not you. Some people understand MI and can help because they have knowledge. Other people automatically respond with empathy and compassion. Still others freak out because bizarre behavior is an unknown which means it can be scary. It is up to them to learn better coping skills. You can help reassure your friends, but it is still on them to want to understand as well as they can. When we act strangely in front of those we don't know, and especially in front of those we won't see again, we have to just learn to let it go. Their response has no bearing on our current lives, so, eh, it's their issue. (Yes, easier said than done, but still, it is the healthy response. This also is a healthy response to lost friendship, job, whatever. We cannot control other people. We may have acted in some way, but it is them who chose whether or not to learn and forgive if necessary and accept. If they chose not to, that is their choice to own. We need to accept that it was their thing, not so much ours because we were just being human.)

 

When I read that your father would tell you to control your mind, think happy thoughts it occurred to me that he may have been reassuring himself more than you. It's tough being powerless.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm always very embarrased by myself when I'm psychotic. I'm "lucky" enough to have mainly visual hallucinations though, but my reations to some of the stuff I've seen has been really embarrasing to me. I recently started crying just by remembering one episode where I'd been acting weird.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am totally embarassed about the things I've done while psychotic. I've talked about thoughts of slitting my room mate and her wife's throats. I've done some other things I won't get into here but they were totally awful. I was a danger to the animals in my house, and probably the people, too. I am not psychotic now, but I worry about what will happen if I go into psychosis again. My room mate has told me flat out that if I repeat some of the things I did before, she will call the cops. I worry about what will happen to me. :-/

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I'm very quiet, introverted, and never talk about what's on my mind so when I'm psychotic (mainly just delusions) other people can't really tell.

Though one time, I ended up sending a Facebook message to my brother explaining my new philosophy/religion. I ...discovered... that I was a effectively a lab rat being experimented on my whole life by people who have not made themselves known. That my real its was 100% controlled by them and they monitored my reactions to their stimulus of life. Obviously I was delusional, and luckily he ignored my message as it's generally not known to him that I'm DXd with SZA. So yeah, very embarrassing.

Other than that, admitting my delusional thoughts to my therapist can be extremely embarrassing as well as a little liberating.

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I can soooo relate to the topic of this conversation. Although I barely talked to other people about my delusions (and so had to stay psychotic for days until finally brought to a hospital), I did contact some friends via e-mail or social media while I was convinced WWIII had started. Realizing I had contacted my friends, telling them nonsense, idiotic and sometimes even offending things almost made me psychotic again from all the embarrassment when I came out of the hospital.

I have since contacted some of them, tried explaining and apologizing. Some understood (and have become very special to me for that) and some did not. I do not have any tips on overcoming the embarrassment, just wanted to add my experience; feels good to read I am not the only one to have scared friends away. I can only hope I do not contact anyone except a psychiatrist next time...

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I acted somewhat bizzarrely in the hospital and on the streets while psychotic. I used to look at people all the time because I thought they were always secretly looking at me, which ironically made them actually look back at me and reinforcing this thought as well. Some people definately must have thought I was weird, but I was paranoid everyone did and knew all my embarrassing situations. But the hospital at the time seemed to be full of people who were able to handle their illness much better than I did.

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I'll tell you one thing with this you need to accept yourself 100% because it will bring up every issue you've ever had with yourself or your past and throw it in your face.

 

I was re-reading the first message and noticed this line. It is so true. One way of describing the themes of my psychotic episodes is that it seems like if all my fears (even the ones I wasn't aware of) had become true.

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