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Suicide OCD (Pure O)?


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Hey everyone I've been suffering from suicidal thoughts for a couple months now but I'm not quite sure if it's actually OCD or I'm suicidal, I've never thought about suicide before the last four months ever in my life. My symptoms are I cannot stop thinking about the thought of suicide and I use to feel anxiety but I don't anymore (which worries me), I also get these urges to jump off balconys or jump in front of trains. I had this "theme" or thoughts when I was finishing school but I would also get constant thoughts about punching people in the face and harming them, that theme has really subsided because all I really think about is Suicide and this is going to sound confusing but it worries me that I'm not worried and I'm actually very confused. When I first got the thoughts I was terrified and was so scared by them now they're not really scary and then I wanted to do some (ERP) therapy and I took a knife to my wrist and got the constant thought to do it but I felt like deep down I didn't want to do it.. I've been prescribed Cipralex 10mg but my doctor told me to start with 5mg has anyone ever had thoughts like this and the feelings to go along with it? Like I actually feel as If I am actually suicidal but at the same time I don't because people who are usually suicidal welcome the thoughts and I become distressed at the thought.

 

 

Thanks! 

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My personal suggestion would be to treat the suicidal thoughts however they are best treated. Then you can tease apart if it's OCD, or if it's something else. Likely based on how they respond to treatment.

 

Does that sound like a good plan to you?

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An example would be telling your care provider (therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor, social worker, GP if that's what you've got) that you have these obsessive thoughts of suicide in your head, and have for four months now.

 

Leave it up to them if it's OCD or not (we certainly can't tell you, here, if that's the case). In the mean time, while they figure that out, work on reducing the suicidal urges so that you don't actually have repeat incidents like the one that you had with the blade.

 

Does that sound do-able to you?

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Hey Carmine! I have OCD and my issue is that I have intrusive thoughts about harming my son, or more like "what if I" this or that. Anyways I wanted to say that for some time I had suicidal thoughts. I even googled "am I suicidal". The main question to ask yourself - do I want to die? If its not a definite "yes yes of course, dieing is my dream!!!!!!", then you're not suicidal and its just OCD playing tricks. This is my advice from my experience. BUT! Regardless of any advice, please tell your doc/therapist/whoever you're seeing, because this is not a matter that is settled by getting online advice. From what it sounds to me - you're experiencing what I had experienced, but I'm not a doc and cannot take it upon myself to guarantee anything. Hope this helps, and hope you feel better soon!!!

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Oh my God, Carmine, thanks for your post. I thought I was the only one on the planet having such thoughts.

 

When saying that, I know very clearly that suicide obsessions are common in OCD. However, from all other boards I've read, people are like "OMG my anxiety is killing me, I get such thoughts and I panic completely", 

 

The thoughts, vary from urges/fears/images of harming or killing myself, like jumping in front of trains or cars, crashing into ongoing traffic, jumping from a balcony (I live at 5th floor and I kid you not, several times I've had to move home to my parents who live in a house), cutting myself, to words, like "I might as well die", "what's the point in living", "you want those thoughts" and so on. The last ones are the worst. They feel so damn real and I almost feel like I don't want to live. Of course this feeling goes away within seconds. 

 

In the beginning (I've had this s*** for seven months now, it was triggered by hearing about a suicide on the news, along with much stress) I felt severe anxiety, didn't sleep well, didn't eat well, couldn't relax, couldn't concentrate, etc, and did a lot of avoidance. Of course, I related the first four symptoms to depression, which I, according to my psychologist, didn't have. I also had some physical symptoms like sweating and tinnitus, but not the classical anxiety I've had earlier (palpitations, hyperventilation). Now, I don't feel that anxious, more some sort of distress, frustration, doubt and a constant worry that I 1) might act on the thoughts, or 2) that I'm misdiagnosed and in fact am suicidal, or 3) that I have some sort of weird death wish which I just deny or am too afraid/stupid/whatever to realize. Therapy doesn't work so well for me when I don't trust the diagnosis (I'm also a hypochondriac and used to doubt doctors :P). I also have worries that I sometime in the future just will "give in" to the thoughts and harm myself, or that my life will be ruined and thus I would feel compelled to harm myself, or that I simply . I suspect I have some elements of GAD as well.

 

ERP can do the trick, but in my case it often ends up being compulsions. I was driving in heavy traffic 10 miles a day for a month just to prove to myself that I didn't kill myself or wanted to kill myself. The problem is two things, 1) it ended up like my old blood-pressure-phobia, I had an obsession that my blood pressure was high, I measured it, it was normal, I was reassured, and next day, rinse and repeat. 2) Your brain might start accusing you of trying to kill yourself, that your exposure stuff is a hidden suicide attempt, and that you, in fact, want to die, you just don't have the courage. I would not recommend putting a knife on your wrist for that reason (sorry if this is triggering exactly the previous mentioned thought....). That's why you should only do ERP like/if your doctor tells you. It's VERY easy to go into the compulsion "trap" when exposing to pure-O.

 

Somehow I realize I suffer OCD, but it sure as h*** doesn't always feel that way. I've thought I had psychosis, dissociative disorder (two personalities, one suicidal and one not), schizophrenia, depression, bipolar disorder, mixed episodes, you name it. I keep wondering what "suicidal thoughts" are, and are not. A friend of mine was suicidal once after suffering chronic back pain, swearing he would kill himself if the surgery failed. Luckily it didn't fail, but he described his suicidal thoughts completely different. In his case, the pain was the problem and suicidal thoughts the "solution". In my case, the thoughts are definitely the problem (even though my brain is telling me otherwise at times). Of course, I have real life issues (nagging girlfriend, stressful job), but I also have a wonderful appartment, a great income, loving parents, and my girlfriend is quite nice after all ;) I don't abuse drugs or alcohol, I have no major childhood problems, no history of depression. In other words, no reason to kill myself, no desire to kill myself and no intent to kill myself.

 

If you are reading this (not that I believe you will have killed yourself by now, but you may have left this forum), please send me a PM if you would like to discuss this further. Or reply here. I think we could help each other through this OCD nightmare. 

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I have suicidal thoughts that my pdoc tells me are ocd.  For me, the thoughts become a repeated obsession and when I have them, they become distressing and I get anxious about them and then he thoughts get more intense.  The thoughts I have are things like cutting myseelf or juming in front of subway trains and the like. 

 

When I have them, I stay away from the kitchen knives and stand as far back on the subway platform as possible because I don't want to accidentally do something and I am scared of my thoughts.  I also tell myself they are just thoughts and won't hurt me, and that seems to help.

 

My pdoc changed my meds up and the suicidal thoughs have seemed to diminish.  What a relief!

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Which meds help treating this crap? Please tell me :)

 

I'm on Zoloft 200 mg. Helps a little, but not much. I've also tried Remeron, which did nothing except to make me sleep better and unfortunately to get fat. I exercise every day and still gained 20 pounds. There are lots of better meds to help you sleep better, than Remeron I suppose.

Edited by issomethingwrong
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Wow! there are so many people with this obsession I've never realized, I am always looking on new boards trying to find people but I haven't had any luck until now. I totally can relate with you guys on your symptoms and everything it's crazy, I'm currently on Cipralex 5mg and about to bump it up to 10mg have you guys had any luck in finding any tricks on how to do erp for this?

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You do it WITH A PROPERLY QUALIFIED THERAPIST AND NOT ON YOUR OWN!!!

 

I cannot stress this enough. 

 

ERP is a therapeutic technique that can be harmful if not done in a setting that is properly managed by a trained professional.

 

Ps- Sorry for yelling on the internet. It really is THAT important.

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I agree with Wooster's CAPSing and I also wanted to chime in and say I have had suicidal obsessions before related to my OCD. I would constantly be afraid that I would jump into the subway tracks or off a building or whatever. It was extremely distressing, Zoloft has helped a lot.

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I agree - but I'll have to stress, the reason is not that we think you are suicidal, but as mentioned, lots of things can happen if you do ERP wrong;

 

1) It will turn into a compulsion "I'll just have to check if I'm actually suicidal - great I was not" and repeat forever

2) Your OCD can start accusing you of actually trying to kill yourself, and your obsession is bolstered.

3) ERP for pure-O is actually fairly tricky. You have an obsession about germs, too bad, you can't wash your hands. When fearing killing yourself you are already not killing yourself, and actually killing yourself would be stupid and counterproductive. So exactly what you should do to expose yourself is something your doctor must decide.

4) The response prevention in pure-O is far more difficult than in typical OCD.

 

So - this is best done when guided by a doctor or therapist.

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