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My story of OCD & DP/DR

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Well, to start off I'm an 18 year old male which has had OCD symptoms since I can remember. My first real problem was with trying doors, making sure the fridge is closed, checking under my bed and if I got interupted I would have to start over again and make sure I kissed my dad with the ritual as well, I would go up to him and do this 3-4 times and he would always laugh at it saying what are you doing? & I would always say I don't know but it doesn't feel right if I don't. Fast forward to 2008 I didn't do the rituals as much because my father was dying because he was a long time alcholic/ ampute from alcohol, I was really stressed out through my childhood mom and dad always fighting over alcohol and money and so on.

April he passed away and I only had one deep cry with my mom but after that became a rock for her, I felt like I wasen't aloud to cry and only would listen to music and just think about memories but didn't really think of it as being depressed just my way to cope with it.

2009 HOCD- 2009 I was headed to a amusement park and was hanging with my friends and one of his cousins came along and when I saw him I got the instant though of "wow he's cute" I was instantly filled with anxiety and dreaded it for the rest of the day.. After that day I forgot about it for a couple weeks and then the full blown HOCD was here I was getting urges to kiss guys, weird groin sensations, non-stop thoughts and actually thought I turned gay.

Let's go to 2012, after suffering since 2009 with hocd I accepted the thoughts and they were really there but didn't bother me as much anymore but then I decided to smoke weed and i don't know what happened but something felt wrong and I was terrified, sick and so guilty for smoking weed the worst part was when I was standing on the balcony I got the thought to jump off with an urge while I was high which made me go into panic and had to go inside.

Just like the HOCD I forgot about it and didn't pay much attention to it until i started getting thoughts about jumping off bridges when I was going over them, urges to jump out of moving cars and just non stop thoughts about it, seeing plaques about suicide remembrance gave me anxiety and so scared.

While this was going on I was getting thoughts about harming my mom and friends but that subsided for this new theme because I'm not as scared of that then this suicide ocd..

The feelings that come with this feel so real and actually make me feel like I'm suicidal but go into panic when I actually start to think about it. I'm currently on cipralex 5mg but I only just started them

Guilt from childhood

I'm going to be straight up and say I've made mistakes when I was younger, stealing, bullying, and just being down right disgusting when I was younger. I can't take it back but I just really wanna move on but the guilt from it is holding me back and I'm truly sorry. Any advice?


My depersonalization/derealization started when I was filled with anxiety on day and was lying on my bed and suddenly started to question how my body works how I'm moving and how the world works I felt mentally ill, I still am suffering from this for the most part but has drastically been decreased because I've been ignoring it but the suicide ocd picks on it saying "who cares if you kill yourself you're not real anyways" these thoughts are very depressing and I think I've fallen into minor depression from all this but finally seeing a OCD specialist.

Last night I woke up in a panic from suicide thoughts, heart beating fast, scared, and utterly confused. So frustrating!

Thanks for reading this, more of a vent/random parts of my life.. Any replies would be nice :D

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