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OCD + Fear [My OCD - Possible Trigger]


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This is gonna be a bit of a ramble, so...

 

....

 

I'm a strange case of OCD & Phobias.

 

I have OCD (the 'washing' kind - hands. body, etc.), and Mysophobia (fear of germs/contamination) + Emetophobia.  

 

I've had OCD pretty much all my life, and didn't know it 'till about three years ago, one of my friends got sick & told me about it, and I ended up disinfecting just about everything in my room/house for...well, months. Bleach, Lysol, Alcohol wipes, etc. Nothing was untouched by these.

 

After my constant anxiety died down, I stopped cleaning as much, but I still have issues with washing my hands & cleaning/disinfecting everything when someone is sick - and especially if someone is really sick.

 

Even if there isn't any real illness around, I still end up cleaning/washing when I think about it, or if there's the slightest possibility of someone being sick. (Sorry if I'm not getting into detail with the ailments, it's kind of triggering for me.) 

 

But now that I'm on meds, and there's no news of sick people, I'm just fine...even though hand washing has become a pretty good (and bad) habit of mine. 

 

I also have what I call 'good and bad days.'  Some days, things bug me more than usual. I'll see raw meat on the counter, or see something really dirty, I'll refuse to go near it, and go wash my hands, pretty much just because I looked at it.

Then there's better days when I can clean up the dirty stuff, but I don't deal with raw food though, not even eggs. -_-

 

...

 

Oh dear, I didn't even bring up what I'm like when there's a sick person in the house.

 

4 people live here, and everyone's a ticking time bomb to me - including myself. And we have a lot of 'house traffic' people come over a lot, so...yeah. It's a good possibility. 

 

I'm so afraid of the next time someone gets sick here...the last time someone got sick I stayed away from their room and the bathroom for 5 months. I wouldn't step a damn foot near either of those two places, (compare it to like I was gonna catch on fire if I did -  but THANK GOD there's more than one bathroom in this house!)

 

I'm afraid if something did happen, I'd relapse like Hell and go fucking crazy again. The last time this happened, I didn't go to the hospital - I lived with this for three years before I could do anything about it, because I guess everyone assumed that it wasn't a problem, and it would just go away, so I had to wait 'till I was 18. (I'm still 18, but only till next month. Yay to birthdays!) :3

 

Anyways, the last time someone here got sick, I pretty much lived in my room - only leaving it to go to the bathroom, shower, and bring food & cleaning stuff to my room. I didn't eat cooked food, only wrapped up stuff. I think I did this for a month or so.

I didn't sleep much because of the anxiety; I was constantly anxious of getting sick, and when I thought I was going to be, I would get anxiety/panic attacks, and they would last for hours. 

 

After the illness was out of the house, I stayed constantly anxious for a few months after, even though I knew I didn't have to. It was a 'just in case' thing, I guess, even though at the time, I wasn't aware of it.

 

I was able to dodge this ailment...but I always wonder, what about next time?

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