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Douse the pain! Santa Claus is dead!


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I mean, hi.

 

I'm gonna have to keep this introduction short or it's going to turn into a dissertation on the existential quandries of my life, because that's how I write.

 

So, I have BP NOS - used to be II, but I get mixed episodes and some of my hypomanias really start pushing the boundary with mania proper, what with the mild psychosis and what have you. It's also unclear if I actually get dysphoric mania sometimes or if it's always just dysphoric hypomania + triggers. Was diagnosed at 18 after Paxil launched me into a suicidal episode that landed me in the psych ward. That was a fun couple weeks. :cussing: In hindsight, I had depressive and hypomanic episodes going back at least to the start of high school. Might have been symptomatic much younger considering my misdiagnosis of ADHD when I was 5 and all the hallucinations I got from the Ritalin they gave me.

 

Complex PTSD on top of that. (Shut up. Fuck the DSM.) That's a more recent diagnosis, but it finally makes sense of a ton of things otherwise unexplained. More hindsight: I probably had some symptoms by age 11, if not earlier. It has some stupid interactions with my bipolar, e.g., triggers can push me over the edge from dysphoric hypomania into uncontrolled violence. It has also utterly crippled my ability to connect with people in RL or allow those I do manage to minimally connect with close. I'm terrified of human contact - hugs make me very uncomfortable and anything more will make me panic. What can I say? Despite providing materially, behind closed doors my parents are vile sadists. But I'm not bitter!

 

Anyway, really didn't give a shit for a long time. Figured I could hack my bipolar, deliberately inducing hypomania to get shit done. Figured I could drink away my anxiety, panic, social problems, and intrusive thoughts. I was wrong, it was only partially effective and wasn't sustainable. I was right that I could get rid of the night terrors, though. 1 oz/month of weed + 20 drinks/day = no dreams! Started college 5 years late on account of CRPS in both legs (now in remission, thank Raptor Jesus), then dropped out after 3 years of wildly inconsistent performance.

 

Back in treatment again and things aren't great, but they're looking up... I hope. Meds are much more effective at dousing the pain than alcohol. ("Don't try to drown your troubles - those fuckers can swim.") Back in school... at 30, but better late than never, right? That's what I unconvincingly tell myself, at least. (FML.) Mostly dicking around in graduate classes I'm not supposed to be taking. Managed to get onto one professor's research team and he wants to hire me over the summer, so I might have some career in the field after all.

 

It's far from perfect. Meds and therapy have been helping, but they haven't remotely made me "better." I'm stable, but I still think of suicide every other day (down from multiple times every day before). Walking across campus is still hellacious - too many people who can see me and can see if I so much as glance at them (it physically hurts when that happens), too many chances for shouts or other sudden sounds behind me to make me jump out of my skin, and too many agonizing reminders of my irreparably wasted life, what never was and never will be. :wall:  But at least I'm kind of functional. I have one friend who talked me down from suicide once and another I can talk to about my issues who's a time zone away, which is two more friends than I'd expect.

 

And... I'm gonna stop now. This is what happens when I try to keep it short. <_<

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Welcome to Crazyboards.  Santa isn't dead---he lives at my house the rest of the year. heh

 

I always ask newcomers to read the user agreement.  That way, you will get an idea of how we operate.

 

It's a friendly bunch here.  Don't be afraid to contact a mod if you have any questions.  We also have an active blog section and a chat room, so jump in and participate if you want to.

 

olga

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I always ask newcomers to read the user agreement.  That way, you will get an idea of how we operate.

 

Best user agreement ever. Saw CrazyBoards mentioned elsewhere, took a look, read the agreement and thought "sounds like my kind of place."

 

I still have a bottle of 10 year old single malt Islay sitting around from before I quit. I'm perfectly willing to share, but not sure how to do that over the internet. Maybe I could pour it in my computer like Kurt Russell in The Thing?

 

Not really into talking about nipple clamps at the moment, though.

 

 

Oh, and thanks for the welcome, Phoenix_Rising. The research job is basically a foregone conclusion unless I have a meltdown. It's just a matter of whether the state is paying for it through work-study, or my professor's paying for it out of our NIST budget.

Edited by misanthropicusername
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