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Who the hell am I?


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I made the mistake of posting an intro type of post in the "It isn't easy being green" section, and now I am going to try to write a similar version of what I wrote there in here to get more attention - because I am such an attention hog. Ha! That is so the opposite of true. I am always the one hiding in the corner at my own art receptions (I'm an artist). I think I posted in that other section because I really do love the Muppets, and in fact, I serious have always felt like one. Doesn't that sound so stupid? I'm totally serious though. Not a particular Muppet, like Grover or Beaker, although those two might be my favorites, but everything about what they are. Furry and soft, loving towards little kids and wanting to make them laugh, genderless, innocent, neither stupid or smart, just there, shy at times, mostly purposeless and very cute and childlike. I see myself as this.

 

So I joined a little while ago and started being active in the last couple of weeks. I kinda feel like I'm outside looking through the window at everyone. I live in Los Angeles, CA. Please don't let that make you judge me for the worst. LA has a bad rep, but it is a beautiful city filled with weirdos and creative people. I used to be a pro musician in a different life, got Dx'ed with MS, that life over. Focused on paintings and writing. 

 

My Dx is Bipolar 1-ish/OCD and I'm being evaluated for some disassociation disorder now. I have anxiety too, and a lot of PTSD from a very horrific, abusive childhood, then being involved in a mainstream cult for 18 years, then being diagnosed with MS, then Lupus -- all this before I was 30. I was starting to heal and I even reconnected with my family and forgave them, but when I turned 40, both my parents died. I just feel like I've been dragged over the river and the rocks and now I've been laid out in the sun to dry out. 

 

I'm writing a book about early life incest, three rapes, four molestations, verbal, mental and physical abuse, neglect, displacement, emancipation, celebrities, cults, and other unbelievable antics that all just wouldn't all happen to one single person. 

 

Anyway, I live with my BF of 14 years. I am bi and trans. We have a little dog who is terrified of everything, but we rescued her from a hoarder's house that had 70 other animals in a small, one bedroom home.  

 

I love everyone before I even meet them. I'm funny in real life, even funnier before the meds. I'm trying to lose weight right now and I lost 20lbs recently, but I don't really have anyone to tell because I have lost a couple of my friends in the last 6 months. Sheesh, I sound like the king of victims. I hate that shit. But you wonder what brought me here? There you have it in a long-ass nut shell.

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Hi CJ,

Just wanted to say thanks for sharing your story and congrats for losing the extra kilos. I am not American so I don't know how much it is but whatever it's something to be proud of as it can be very hard losing weight (esp. if you're on psych meds). You're scared dog sounds cute, I wonder how you picked him out of 70 animals? Interesting to hear that you're an artist, I've always been creative and thinking of getting back into painting after a long hiatus.

Hope to see you round the boards :)

Nightbutterfly

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Welcome to Crazyboards.  I always ask new members to read the user agreement, and I imagine you have done that already.

 

It sounds like you have traveled a very rough road.  I hope you receive some support and friendship from our members---they are a great bunch.

 

If you haven't found it, I would like to point out that we have a blog section and a chat room.  And I have to say that I don't think living in California is weird at all.  If you like warm weather, why would you be anywhere else? :)

 

I'm glad you came here.

 

olga

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