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Out of nowhere, I just want to cry.

I dont really know why. But I have a heart-wrenchin desire to just curl up in my bed and just cry.

I feel like I just got hit with a brick.

I was absolutely fine as I wrote the post in the forum where you talk a bout yourself  and now I'm just devastated, by seemingly nothing. I know it's just the depression part of the bipolar in me talking. But it doesn't make me feel any better.

I feel like I have to be the eternal optimist. And that if something goes wrong, I need to bury it deep inside myself, so nobody, not even me can find it.

I'm the girl that everyone likes to hang out with at a party, but nobody calls. And then there's an emergency, and they call me, and I make it better.

I often wonder why I don't have a lot of close friends. I keep almost everything to myself, and keep people at a distance. I'm scared to let them close, because I'm scared I might get hurt. I don't do well with pain or hurt.

So in the past I turned to alcohol and pain killers. I've since then stopped them both for the most part. I have the occasional beer or mixed drink, but mostly I just don't feel the desire anymore.

But right now, I just feel like I crashed. That I somehow just go so low, I don't know how I'll get back up.

I didn't want to post this here, in the forum it actually belongs in. I don't like pity, and it won't make me feel better.

I didn' want to post this here because I feel like all my problems are just trivial and mundane in comparison. That my unhappiness just pales in comparison to everyone elses.

I have a habit of putting everyone first, before me. I know I"m not supposed to do that, but I do it anyways. And telling me to not do that isn't going to make me change, it isn't going to make me stop. It's so ingrained in me, I'm conditioned and  I feel like one of Pavlov's dogs.

It's so draining to always be that happy upbeat person. I feel like I have to be that way in order for people to like me. That if I show my true colors, nobody will want anything to do with me.

One night I was out, and I looked sad and not my "usual" self. Everyone kept asking me what was wrong...but how can you tell them that you're not sure what's wrong when you don't even know? So I told them I was sick, they told me they hoped I felt better and stayed away from me the rest of the night.

Sometimes I don't even feel like I should write here, that my writing is just a waste of the board's precious bandwidth. (I have actually in the past been asked not to post as much because I was persoanlly using over 17% of the site's bandwidth.)

Even my fucking signature is positive and upbeat. (And yes, it is from Batman Begins if anyone is curious.) Because to be something other than happy is to be weak. I can't allow myself to be weak, but at the same time...I feel like I'm crumbling...I'm falling...and there won't be any picking back up.

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berelain326,

no pity. ok. none. i understand. how about empathy? the feeling of understanding for how you feel because what you say rings very true with me?

i was never one to be popular. not a reject, but not a focus either. but at the end of the party, going home alone. in my mind and in reality. not that i wanted a warm body for the night, but a soul who saw through my bullshit facade. the smiling face. the funny joke. the goofy guy. but zero.

i didn't learn to cry properly till this year. but oh how i have learned.

i too feel like the eternal optimist. i have this stupid, fucking hope that does just damnwell spring almost eternal. i kind of hate it i think. so many anticipations. so many nothings.

self-medication. yes. alcohol. yes. been there, done that. it's like paving the road to nowhere. painstakingly. brick by brick. i know what you mean.

but, your problems 'trivial'? if so, then so are mine. and yes that's possible.

if you don't show your 'true colours' no-one will know you. and it is safer that way. again, i understand. i finally broke and stopped pretending. within two days i was seeing my gp at my family's insistence.

but for you to think that there is no picking you back up. think again. there is always hope. i honestly don't know where it comes from. it irritates the fuck out of me, but there it is. and it includes you.

to be anything other than happy is weak? this i refute. utterly. the most courageous thing a person can do is to stop while running from something and turn to face it. i don't think there is a truer measure of a person's character. you are here. you are stopping and facing. that puts you on a pedestal of achievement.

grouse.

and as for batman, i stopped watching when they put guns on his 'batcar'. guns killed his parents. he would never use guns.

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Grouse- Wow, I had barely hit enter, and a reply was there. Talk about quick service.

Pity's a bunch of bullshit. Emapthy though, I can deal with empathy. I know enough people here can relate the crap mess I call my life.

I've been popular, I've been a reject. Popular is just abunch of fakeness. At least when I was a reject, am a reject currently in my opinion, the people that I talk to are REAL.

Ahh, my facade, sometimes I wear it so often I start believing it. Scarey. Then I try to go back to being just regular old me, and people ask what's wrong. It really sucks when people ask you what's wrong, and well, there's nothign wrong, you're just being you.

As far as being the eternal optimist...I feel like it's an obligation. The sun has an obligation to rise every morning, and I have an obligation to be the enternal optimist. I can't quite seem to figure out how to "break" that stereotype of myself.

I tell everyone I expect the worst, but hope for the best...well, that's a bunch of bullshit too. Because no matter how hard I try not to expect anything, I always hope for the best, and the let downs have been phenomenal and in some cases, even life-changing.

I guess I just don't feel like I've gone through enough hardships to justify being able to post. People have been through so much more shit than I have, even still going through so much shit on a day-to-day basis...I just feel unworthy of being able to post. I don't want to post people I don't want to take time away from someone who needs it more than I do.

Hope is a funny thing...just when I think I have it, it slips away, like water running through my fingers. I just can't seem to close them close enough for the water to stay.

Waiting for the water to freeze so I can grab on,

Berelain

Yeah, then agai nthey made George Clooney Batman, and Alicia Silverstone batgirl....I just liked the quote....thought it was eerily appropriate at one point in time.

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Berelain -

Are you sure you're not me?  No, really, I'm serious...

I've read most of your posts around the boards and we are eerily similar (ok, I'm not trying to be a stalker or anything, just freaked out at the things you write, because it's like I'm reading my own thoughts...)

God, I feel the same way as you do!  You just put it into words better than I would have...

Plus, we have some other strange things in common... to quote you from an earlier post we both live in "backwoods, redneck towns in North Carolina"  dumped in said towns by the US Military... sitting around waiting for our hubbys to come home from Iraq... just weird...

Gosh, I don't know what else to say... just wanted to let you know that you are most definitely not alone!

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I understand, too. I think a lot of people go through life putting on the happy face to get by or to make friends. But something I've learned the hard way is that the people who won't stand by you or "like" you anymore when you're not happy and upbeat and wonderful, aren't people you really want or need in your life. They aren't real friends, and they contribute nothing to your well being- if anything, they are more harm than any possible good, because it is impossible for them to provide support to others, and yet will often demand that same support for themselves when they're feeling pissy or having a bad day. Can't tell you HOW MANY TIMES I have been through that scenario myself. Yet I still find myself doing the "upbeat" thing on autopilot even when I feel like total crap.

As far as having been through enough "hardship" to be able to post. That's frankly a lot of bull. It doesn't matter whether the worst thing that has ever happened in your life is a paper cut or not getting fries with that.  ;) Seriously, different things affect different people, well, differently. Some of the stuff I've been through would be absolutely NOTHING to somebody who didn't have my particular set of problems. No one's pain is inferior or any less significant than someone else's because of the cause, even if there is no "cause" to it at all. Pain is pain. And I hope you, and everyone else, will always feel like you can speak openly about it here. You are ALWAYS welcome. Like it or not.  :)

~Faith

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Wow.  I read your post and it kind of freaked me out.  Because it completely sounded like a younger version of me! I was exactly like what you describe when I was first diagnosed and just seeking treatment.  But I don't mean to sound condescending in any way--I have no idea how old you are (I'm 35) and how long you yourself have been seeking treatment etc...  Just know that everything you said resonated with me.

I think it's really important that you be authentic.  Whatever that is or means to you.  If it means being in a bad mood (i.e not happy and upbeat) then so be it.  It's okay to do so.  Maybe you just need to give yourself permission.  You sound a lot like me in that you hold yourself to a higher standard than you do others?

Putting other people first? That can be a tough one to unlearn.  It can take some time but it can be done.

It's good to hear that you're not self medicating.  That's really great!

Finally, are you seeing a therapist? It could help.

Karen

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Grouse- Damnit, you make me think. I still have a hard time justifying my posts, unless I'm trying to help someone else. I do fine when it's other people who need help, but then when I need it...I don't talk very well when it comes to my feelings and emotions. I do excellent with bottling them up, and I very rarely "explode."

Cat- I don't think I'm you? Maybe ayounger version...though my DH is Army. ;) I think it's pretty cool that you read my posts, and even more cool that you respond. And I've seen you write, in both forums and pm's, you're able to say what you mean, and sometimes that's more important.

Faith- I try to keep the facade the a minimum.But I have a hard time about being open about my bipolar. It might just be that I don't give my friends enough credit, but I'm not sure they could handle such a thing. I swear they live in the dark ages and fantasy land (most of my RL friends are larp-ers. Or maybe because of that they would understand more.) I'm scared they'll reject my disease, instead of embracing it like I do.

When I was first diagnosed, I had no problem being bipolarII. I knew it since I was thirteen, it just took me a while to get to a pdoc and make it official.

I can't remember who it was that posted that she (might've been a he) just came out and told people that she was bipolar- bluntly so, just to get it out in the open. I'm too chicken shit to do that most of the time.

Though Saturday I told two of my friends, and they weren't surprised. One of the girls is actually mi herself (I believe it's sine kind of social phobia, but don't quote me on that), and her partner already suspected I was bipolar and was glad that I was on medicine. That was a big olf fuckton step for me.

I'm not quite sure it's a hardship about being able to post. I think it's a hardship about me being able to post personal things (though, I am trying in the talk show forum). I have no problems asking questions- but those are typically general and to the point. Or I can post if it's not about me.

My pdoc told me the last time I saw her that she thinks I should become a pdoc. Supposedly I have a knack for figuring out things (though if you give me a rubic cube, I will throw it at you, I hate the same things), my ability to read body language, and I can empathize with just about anyone (not necessarily relate, but empathize).

My pain or feelings might not be inferior, but in my head they are. I can rationalize that's it's just the bipolar talking, not me, but it just doesn't "click" for lack of better words. I'm not quite sure if that makes sense, my words are failing me for what I'm trying to get across (or I could be entirely wrong, and they make perfect sense.)

Groovy- I didn't mean to make you freak out. Maybe I should've put some more trigger things up. I'm sorry about that. Man, maybe I do have older sisters I never knew about....there's you, there's cat...(I'm 24).

I was diagnosed July of this year, give or take. I have no problem being bipolar, like I said, I knew I had it since I was thirteen, so the official diagnosis wasn't a surprise (plus my family has some history of bp in it).

But being myself and showing my moods is hard. I have a very high standard that I hold myself up to. I'm a perfectionist. (Yeah, that's how I was raised too, so that doesn't help. Again, that's touched on in "my story")

I know instrinctly that I'm not alone. I know that because I am part of this board and this forum. But when I sign off...it is just me, and I am alone. I live with a friend (who has been nothing but supportive and amazing, and puts up with all my shit and her daughter), and I feel like I can be normal around her and one of my other friends.

Me and tdocs...well...I tried it, and she was real nice, but I felt like nothing was getting accomplished. Like I was taking a test I hadn't studied for.And I'm not the most trusting person in the world either, so it would take me months, years to even think about opening up to one.

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Hey, I think we had a miscommunication....I din't mean freak, freak...I meant...wow...resonation...ding!, kind of freak.  It's okay.  I can handle reading pretty much anything on these boards so don't worry.  You didn't upset me.

I'm sorry you feel alone and isolated.  To me, that is the worst thing about being MI and it's the thing that hurts us and holds us back the most.  I really hope you can work on getting stronger emotionally by getting weaker emotionally, if that makes sense.  Sometimes you need to make yourself a little bit vulnerable now and then, break down the wall.  Or at least take down that wall, slowly, one brick at a time.  But at your pace.  That's totally fine.

And one more point about the therapy stuff.  I know it's not for everyone but I'm a big fan of it.  the one thing about it is though, it does take a time and trust and the right person and it is hard work.  But I happen to think it's well worth it.

Keep talking.  We're listening.

Karen

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CS- I love the Cookie Monster picture. It makes me want to bake. I had a suitemate in college who would make cookies in the evening, by the time she got back from lunch her cookies would be myseteriously gone, and there would be more cookie mix in the house....mmmm cookies...

Groovy- So I'm supposed to make myself more vulnerable? Sheesh, can it get that way? I mean, having an mi (any kind) makes us all vulnerable, then to go above and beyond...

But how exactly do you break the wall down. I've been using my little facade thing for years, and well, people are going to think I'm fucking nuts (in the not so good kind of way).

I almost think I understand the "I really hope you can work on getting stronger emotionally by getting weaker emotionally, if that makes sense." Yeha, that shit is hard as hell to do as well.

I don't do well in the therapy situations, because I get hung up on all the little details, and everything is a detail. So I can go in there talkinga bout near nothing, and leave still talking about nothing. I have a very high tendency to not open up to "strangers" especially the ones (in rl) trying to help me.

I always feel like they're going to judge me or think less of me. I don't like that feeling. And of course they'll say they're not, but if it was me, and I was them, I'm be like "that girl is crazy" or some such thing.

I think I'm too suspicious of everything, which makes things even more difficult. I have a real hard time just letting go of things. I'm notorious for holding grudges, and I give killer silent treatments. I deal with things passive aggressively.

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I know what you mean about having a hard time breaking down the facade.  It can be scary to let people in.

If you have trouble opening up to a therapist, try opening up here.  This is a safe place, full of people who have gone through experiences similar to your own.  No one here is a doctor or a therapist, but we can sympathize and we're happy to listen.

Feel free to use this place to hash things out to your heart's content.

Take care!

~CS

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But how exactly do you break the wall down. I've been using my little facade thing for years, and well, people are going to think I'm fucking nuts (in the not so good kind of way).

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Trust is such a big thing.  I know.  Are there certain individuals that you can slowly open up to just a little bit at a time? If they're really your friends they won't let you down.  Maybe you're not giving them enough credit?

Karen

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Masks, facades, and being the hyper girl so happy and up.  :) Then I go home and cry for hours. :P Just once I would love for someone to say "I'm sorry you're feeling sad. Is there anything I can do?" ;)

There isn't anything anyone can do but me, but it would be so nice to be acknowlegded in that too light, too loud, too chaotic get the fuck away from me state. To know someone loved me in spite of me.

Okay, gotta go cry now.............................

C@

I almost didn't post this cuz it didn't seem to flow with the thread, oh well.

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CS- damnit I always need cookies when I read your posts. Do you have any idea how hard it is to make cookies while on crutches? (And I don't believe in the kind you get in a box....no no no, must be homemade.)

I don't hava a therapist, I use the boards. (Yes, I know that nobody here is medically certified.) And usually when I"m in the chatrooms someone else is in such a much more precarious position than I am, and I do'nt wan't to take away from them.

Goovy- I"m probably not giving enough of my friends credit. BUt I also know a lot of these people are going to go around my back and talk about it amongst themselves, as opposed to me. So I'd rather internalize things. One of my friend's reactions "Yeah, so you're officially fucking crazy."

Cat- Ahh yes, you feel my pain. It wuodl be nice to hvae someone just for a second realize i'm not supergirl and trust that hey, maybes omething's wrong with her, and I should just ask. But people dont' ask because they're too preoccupied in their desperate housewives world, why mess up perfect? why add in that "extra" crap? Uh huh, riding that same boat.

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Hey Bere, I'll take some of those cookies. I need the sugar rush.

Do you think they don't ask because they're scared? Maybe that they can't fix it?

My HB tries to "fix" stuff. I'm not fixable so maybe that's a little bit of it. Sometimes when I just want to bitch I'll actually tell him "you can't fix this but )(*)(%#$%"

I think he tunes out then.

Yeah it would be nice for someone to maybe take up some of the slack or the reins or whatever so we could have a fucking break from the mask of perfection we try to hide behind. Wow, that gave me all warm fuzzy feelings. Yup but why mess with "perfect". And why ask when they don't want to know the answer? What a bunch of pussies!

{why the crutches?}

C@

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Cookies for everyone!  I can't wait to start making Christmas cookies.  They're so yummy!

For the most part, I don't see anything wrong with using the boards as therapy.  Now, if you have something like MPD (which, I think, can only be helped by therapy), we can't really help you.  But for depression and stuff, the boards are great.  Plus, I think a lot of people are much more honest with their PCs than their tdocs.

A lot of the time, when I ask a friend what's wrong, they'll say "nothing", even when I can totally tell that something's going on.  Sometimes, I'll see a stranger on the bus, crying, and I want to ask if there's anything I can do, but I feel like that's a little odd.  Then again, I wonder if they have a friend or family member they can talk to, and I don't want them to be left without anyone to help them.  I feel like I should wear a sign that says "If you need help, ask me.  I'm here to listen."

I wish I could take away some of the burden.  One of my friends is dealing with a lawsuit, a bankruptcy, a divorce, and BP.  For one person, that's extremely overwhelming.  But for two...two could handle that.  Another friend is being assaulted by compulsive negative thoughts.  It's like there's a monster living inside his head, constantly telling him that he's not good enough, doesn't deserve to be happy, that he's a failure.  I wish I could stand between him and the monster.  Because maybe if I absorbed some of the horrible things the monster tells him, he'd be more able to handle the rest.

Unfortunately, my powers are limited to baking cookies and sharing my warm fuzziness.

So, cookies and warm fuzzies for everyone!

Love,

CS

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Ah. What you wrote takes me back. You seem like a female version of me at 17-25. Your brain is trying to force you to win approval and punishing you for "failing" I mean not being one of the "cool" people; and doesn't that burn because you're a sweet, empathic , sensitive, underappreciated person. But others see the self doubt and treat you like you expect to be treated. Eventually, I realized I was at least as good as everyone else and most people aren't worthy of my empathy. Maybe you already know that.

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I think I must be the prodigal little sibling of everyone here. It's almost amusing, considering I always wanted a big brother or sister. Didn't really care which, either would've been fine by me.

So I tried the trust thing with my dad...it didn't go over so well.

;)   Porbably not necessary, but just in case. :)

Prior to the conversation my dad, myself, and my husband were talking about Iraq (since my dh is there) and things blowing up.

Dadl: <----shooting 120 volts into Janina....howya' doin'?

Berelain326: uhm, maybe that'd shoot the bipolar out of me :P

Dad: (g)

Berelain326: I was officially diagnosed as bp type two

Dadl: huh?

Berelain326: I'm bipolar type two

Dad: was this over one beer or many?

Berelain326: none

Berelain326: I do'nt really drink.

Dad: <---old school

Dad: BiPolar...or just occasionally off the wall...life goes on

Dadl: we lose Marc? (DH was letting me do the talking, he actually was there and watching.)

End of conversation.

Since none of you know my dad, that's a bunch of bullshit.

He knows exactly what bipolar is, because his sister was BPI....the same sister who ran off to mexico (from NJ, and without telling anyone), came back with a boyfriend, and doesn't speak a word of spanish!

Riiiight....thanks-that's my family support, the one who I would think would at least PRETEND to know what the word means.

Yeah, trust...fuck that.

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