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grumpy and depressed.


Guest Iona Viona as guest

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Guest Iona Viona as guest

i feel like dog poo right now and i just need vent and know that someone is listening or at least reading.

i am depressed, suicidial, self injuring and just all round feeling gross fat and ugly.

two years ago today my friend who was just like me, so much so, we used to fight most times we were together cause we were to much the same to get along. we cared on with the same behaviours and then she  had the strength and courage to do what i couldnt. and yes i know suicide is tragic and selfish but when u feel like sh*t and u see someone else do it u cant help admiring them a little well i couldnt. As sad as it is im just that pathetic.

i just wanted to visit her grave but not alone and i called my ex who is supposed to be my friend but he is two busy with his new girlfriend to go with me. im such a loser he has been with her for more then a year now and was with me for less then that but for some reason i still hold on to this dream we will get back together and have a perfect life where i symptom free. even though this is the ass who gave me an STD which resulted in me having to haqve surgery.

then this guy i was friends with has decided he hates my  guts and sent me a message today saying i am "by far the biggest psycho" he knows. nice hey then he sent me all those real nasty picture messages.

my new boyfriend refuse to commit to me because he is scared of me. all 5'5 of me. im just a little to complicated and have to much emotional baggage for him.

i have put on ten kilos this year and all my clothes are either too small or extremely tight. but do i do anything to make it better. no i stuff my face with food. i binge eat to make me feel bad because i dont deserve to be happy.

And yes i am on meds, yes i am seeing a shrink weekly, yes i am seeing a therapist, and yes my attitude is shot right now.

im angry cause no one around me listens or says they care, or hey its ok to feel that way. i get none of that.

anyways for some reason i have been getting dizzy at night times so im loggin off.

thanks to those who read my rant.

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I've read it, obviously; and I'm sorry things suck at this point. There seem to be a number of bad things going on. That happens, of course. I wish there were someone physically close who would listen to you. But if they won't, that's what we're here for.

tom

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Well, I don't think it's ok for you to feel so bad, because I wish you didn't. However, that doesn't I think YOU are not ok. It's an illness you're experiencing, and it doesn't make you worth less as a person.  It's certainly ok to talk about it.

Feeling that you don't deserve to be happy is part of being depressed. I used to joke, when someone apologised to me: "As long as you feel bad about it, that makes it all better." It doesn't. It doesn't help anything. So there's no reason not to do what you can to feel better. I know that the above isn't going to help directly, but maybe it'll help a tiny bit to think something like this when you are feeling particularly undeserving. I used to spend all my time feeling guilty, ashamed, and embarassed. I don't spend much time feeling this way these days, and I don't act any worse because I don't. It wasn't easy getting to this point; I had to be stubborn. I'm thinking it may have been worth the trouble.

Don't get too upset about the weight thing. Those women in the magazines are all starving to death. Two weeks without food and they'd be gone. There are plenty of attractive women who are overweight, and others who aren't even especially attractive (not sure they'd be so even at normal weight), but make up for that by being fun or interesting. My current s.o. is depressive, overweight, smart, attractive, fun and interesting.

Please be careful how you pick your close friends. Don't get too close to anyone unless they are trustworthy, treat you kindly, and make you feel good. I don't think the other kind is going to help you much. OTOH, your new boyfriend may know his own limits and doesn't want to let you down? I can tell you from personal experience that it's no fun to be bailed out on, especially if a lot of it is because of one's depression.

I agree with the other post. Please be gentle with yourself today.

Hoping for better things for you.

LDO

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hi iona viona,

regarding the weight thing. lord yes. what ido said. the twigs seen in magazines are really not that attractive. they might have a nice face or hair, and that is what is used to advertise a product. but if we saw them walking along the street we'd think they were malnourished or something. THEY ARE NOT NORMAL. you are. don't be afraid of it.

but your depression. yeah, it sounds like you're doing everything right. me too. but you're still feeling like hammered shit because of this goddamn disease. i get like that too. i know your pain. not your particular flavour, but certainly your general state.

it makes me so angry to see such a great person waylaid by such an awful disease. you don't deserve this. you deserve so much better.

take care. you aren't alone.

grouse.

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Models in magazines are also waaaaay airbrushed.

I'm a big fan of ice cream and chocolate chip cookies, so I simply cannot accept someone feeling bad about herself for eating yummy food.  Just an idea--what if you decided you'd let yourself eat all the fabulous unhealthy stuff only after you finish a bunch of carrots or something.  (By the way, it'll make the chocolate taste sooooo much better.)

We're here.  We're nuts.  We're listening.  Keep posting.

Love,

CS

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thanks for listening guys and girls i was just so grumpy and down on life.

and these stupid labels they try to give us, like anyone fits into one box.

i know those models are airbrushed and super sickly but part of me is just like sooooo jealous, like that would make life better. im into that self harm and starvation is kinda a form of that.

i just need to keep talking til i do get into hospital to sort through all thats in my head.

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sent me a message today saying i am "by far the biggest psycho" he knows.

Here, that is a badge of honor.

i binge eat to make me feel bad because i dont deserve to be happy.

Rubbish.  You deserve to be happy.  If you don't, none of us do, and I don't accept that.  Nothing you could ever do, be, think or say could make you unworthy of happiness.

And don't even get me started on the evil alliance between the media and the Cult of Beauty.

No suicide permitted; it isn't an act of strength, but one of weakness.  And no more SI, either - only acts of self-love.

We're listening, and we understand.

Cerberus

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i have put on ten kilos this year and all my clothes are either too small or extremely tight. but do i do anything to make it better. no i stuff my face with food. i binge eat to make me feel bad because i dont deserve to be happy.

Yup. Try putting on near 20 pounds in hmm...2 1/2 months. My weight is in constant fluctuation- always due to how deep down I am in the hole. These days I live in sweat pants and sweatshirts..and like you said, I know I can do shit to make it better- I know I can get out and exercise and I know how to eat properly- hell from all the shit I read I could probably have a degree in health and nutrition. But I don't do anything because it's just too much work and I have no energy. None left at all.

The one thing that makes me feel better immediately is food.  dsdsfhjbsndjiwndeouwandlawnd;saljn!!!

Sorry. I feel like by this post I am dragging you down even more. (It's been a rough week. Months. Year.  ;) )

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One way to help a bit with binge eating is to promise yourself you won't waste your binging on junk food. Eat real food that tastes good:

-nuts (walnuts, peanuts, almonds, whatever)

-raisins (but don't eat more than a couple of ounces)

-fresh bread, maybe with butter, olive oil or peanut butter on it. Even almond butter! Find a good bakery. Try some of those whole wheat things to see if you like them. Don't get that sliced crap made by the millions.

-fruit or veggies that you like (oranges, mangos, apples, canteloupe, corn on the cob, whatever)

-stuff with garlic, spices, etc. in it (try fresh cilantro, even by itself! I can't resist the stuff)

-popcorn popped in oil, consume within a few minutes!

-if you feel the need for something with fat in it, how about cheese? (Hunter's cheddar, Jarlsberg, brie, feta, etc.)

-salad bars are a convenient way to get some of this stuff if you aren't up to it

-I make and eat a lot of granola that tastes way better than commercial cereal. Very easy and cheap. I'm guessing they have commercial stuff that tastes good, too. I must eat six cups of oatmeal a week this way. And a cup of walnuts.

-toast with yummy stuff on it

-dark chocolate, with a bit more chocolate and less sugar, so it tastes more like chocolate

-ethnic foods. Learn some of the easy ones. It's easy to buy tortillas, refried beans, grated cheese, salsa (ok, salsa from a jar isn't the best), etc.

-If you're a meat eater, get away from hamburgers and eat the real stuff . Baked chicken. Stir fry beef. Pork chops with some spice or other on them. (I don't do much meat myself these days. Too many tasty alternatives.)

-fish: salmon, bluefish, tilapia, lox!!!! (YUM!), whatever you like. Some of the oilier ones can just be thrown on a pan into the oven and taste great with nothing on them. Sardines, if you like them. On crackers, but not those hydrogenated ones.

I know some of this seems like a lot of work, but you don't have to do all of it to feel a bit better about things. For instance, it's real easy to heat up a can of chili starter, sprinkle cheese on it, and have with some bread. My girlfriend likes to have quesadillas, which are very fast. Salad bars are easy too, and almost instant gratification. If money is a problem, many of these things are cheaper than the stuff in shiny plastic bags, and much cheaper than Haagen Daaz. If you ever feel ambitious, try making some bread (with yeast!) and everyone within smelling distance will be your friend. But you don't have to be ambitious to make this work some. Just buy different stuff when you buy food. Even if it's just Cape Cod chips instead of Wise.

Don't let food be a drag. Make it another sensual pleasure!

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